Unblocked

Uh, hi. Soooo...how are you? Glad to hear it. Me? I'm good, I guess. What? Oh, yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I meant to call, and then I thought you might be busy, and then I got really busy. And then I lost your number. But I meant to call! Really!

Okay, so it's been awhile. I'm not sure why. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel moved to write. And it turns out that writing is kind of like exercise- the more you do it, the more you want to do it, and the easier it is. Part of the lethargy is a result of spending so much time on Facebook, with its immediacy. Part of it is just life rolling on.

I think the main thing was that the last 5 months (eep!) have really been a trough for my family. 2009 was Annus Horribilis anyway, and this fall was really the low point. Bruce's severance ran out from the firm and while he started to have interviews, they never seemed to pan out. Caetlin started preschool in October, and as a result all of her behavioral issues seemed magnified. When the teacher meets you at the door in the morning talking about how Caetlin has a problem with listening, you feel like about the worst parent ever. You can tell yourself that she's the youngest person in the class, and that the teacher seems to have a stick up her nether regions, but when it's time for those little chats, all you hear from the teacher is, "You suck as a parent." I went back to work after maternity leave and had a hard time adjusting- the idea that going to work was somehow permanent seemed like an unbelievably heavy burden. Added to that was the fact that I had no work at all, many days billing nothing or 0.25 hours or on a good day 1.0. That's not a situation that makes one feel comfortable and secure. With Bruce being unemployed and me feeling uncertain and both of us dealing with major changes in our roles in the family, we went through a rough time together. It's just been a hard few months.

But then it all started to change. The beginning was when Bruce accepted an offer to teach at a local law school. He's going to be a law professor next year! I can't tell you how proud of him and excited for him I am. He was never happy in his profession, openly admitting that he did it for the money and security; this offers him a chance to really change gears. I think he's going to be a great teacher, and I envy the flexibility, the ability to do the research that he'll be able to do, the chance to study for a living, essentially, that the job brings with it. It's quite a step down financially, but it is higher pay than I expected, and we certainly will not starve, especially since my job seems a bit more secure at this point.

However, in the "When it rains, it pours" category, Bruce has also applied for and been accepted into the Foreign Service. While he still has to pass his medical and security clearances, and has to wait until they call him for a post, which would probably be at the end of this year at the earliest, it's a huge success to have made it this far into the process. If and when they call him, he and we will have a decision to make. Should he stay with his teaching career or embark on a completely new and different career as a diplomat?

The other comforting news is that we're planning to put our house in Charlotte on the market next month, at a price to make it move quickly. We are both ready to rid ourselves of the albatross that is that house. While it's been rented until this month, and that has defrayed the carrying costs, the time when the tenant was going to move out loomed large over us. Rather than trying to rent it again, we're ready to just sell it and move on, unencumbered. When it's sold, it won't matter what Bruce's salary at the law school is; we'll do fine on just my income, and his is just gravy- or more accurately, savings.

My job seems pretty secure at this point, at least as long as the firm remains committed to a real estate department here. We had an associate leave to go in-house at the end of the year, and that takes our numbers down to critical levels. We only have 3 associates to 2 partners; two big deals staff us up completely. So unless they plan to eliminate my department (and they have repeatedly indicated that they actually want to GROW my department), I think my job is safe for now. That's comforting, though of course I don't take that for granted. Stranger things can and have happened, and the upper workings of the firm are as mysterious to me as particle physics.

I've taken my health in hand and joined a boot camp at the beginning of December. You can see the program here. It's pretty intense and I'm pretty out of shape, but after two months, I can see real improvements, in my wind, my strength, and my body. I've lost inches off my waist, my tummy is starting to flatten back out, and most entertaining of all, I've got guns! I saw almost immediate definition in my biceps and shoulders. It's hilarious and encouraging. Most of all, it's something I feel like I can stick with. And, inspired by my rapid improvements, I had a few moments of temporary insanity a few weeks ago and signed up for a triathlon in late June. 600M swim, 14.2 mile bike, 5K run. Seriously crazy, but a fabulous and motivating goal to have. I've always wanted to be a triathlete (as opposed to doing a triathlon), but, alas, the only way to be a triathlete is to do the work. I'm at a place now where doing the work doesn't seem so incredibly impossible.

The other thing is that I joined a choir at church, here. I have always loved to sing, but have never had any training and the last time I sang with a group was 4th grade chorus (5th grade, as I recall, was the year they split us into advanced and not-advanced chorus, and when I didn't make the advanced chorus, I dropped out). Anyway, it's a wonderful group of seriously talented people, and I'm being a complete poser by joining them every week. So far they haven't caught on that I don't belong with them, so I'll keep going as long as they'll let me. I have so much fun being with a performing group again, and being a musician again (though in my case, I use that term somewhat more loosely than as it pertains to everyone else) is so uplifting for me. I missed making music (I was a band nerd for many years in high school but mostly put it down after that- I wanted to define myself as something else, and that has been a big regret of mine, that I didn't somehow continue to play even if I didn't throw myself into it completely), and to make music with a different instrument, my voice, brings so much joy to my life. I've also started singing lessons too, to learn some technique, so one day maybe I'll be worthy of my choir-mates.

The girls are great, growing as ever. Phoebe is nearly a year old- she turns a year in 5 weeks. How is that possible? She's showing no signs of being interested in walking, but knowing her personality, I have no doubt that as soon as she decides to walk, she'll be doing it within a few days. She is the most determined baby I have ever seen. When she wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. Where Caetlin was and is easygoing and pliable, Phoebe is decidedly carving her own path. Because my own passivity, reflected in Caetlin, is something that I really dislike about myself (and by extension, about my daughter, I'm sorry to say), I'm delighted to see Phoebe's drive and determination. It makes her a challenge to care for, though, as she will inevitably beeline straight for the most choking hazard/nasty thing/dangerous thing in any room and immediately put it in her mouth. And she's fast! She's hard to keep up with as a crawler. She's got one word, cat. She says other things that we think might be words, but it's so hard to tell right now. I really look forward to her talking more, though.

Caetlin is also doing really well. We had kind of a rough start to 3- it was like the minute she turned 3, she went from being my sweet girl to this cranky, whiny, testing child that I didn't know- and really didn't like very much. I understood that it is totally developmentally normal, but holy cow was it a challenge! She seems to have mostly come through to the other side by now, though. And while we still have our tough days and tough afternoons and tough moments, she seems to have emerged as a fun and funny kid who is eager to please. She started preschool, as I mentioned, and that seems to be going much better lately too. She's deep into a princess/ballerina phase, and is the most girly-girl ever. I bought her one of these more or less on a whim, and we can barely pry her out of it. We've ended up buying her 3 of them, because she's going to wear it out soon and we better have replacements before Old Navy stops carrying them.

So, that's basically what's happened since Caetlin's birthday. It's only been five months, but somehow it feels like it went by in an eyeblink, and also that it was a long time ago. It's hard to remember when being back at work felt strange, when it was hot outside, before the rains came, before the snow and ice came, before the holidays were behind us. Before Halloween was distant on the horizon and everything was all "Back to School." So much has happened in 5 months and yet things have been strangely static. I feel like things have been moving in slow motion, and suddenly they have started back at normal speed lately.

There have been other things too, of course, but these were the highlights. I'll try to fill in more details in the future, of things like Christmas, and Caetlin giving up her pacifier, and the issues I have with Caetlin's preschool director, and the amusing things Phoebe does every day, and the Sunday School class I teach. I also am committed to posting again regularly. Like music, this has been missing from my life for too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and stories here, complaining and commenting and basically dumping my head onto the screen. It's the cheapest therapy around, and I miss sharing some of the details of my life with my friends and family, in more depth than I can accomplish through Facebook status updates. Basically, I'm unblocked, and ready to roll through 2010.

News and Notes

A scattering of random facts and anecdotes from the No Math house:

- My thrush appears to have cleared up, thank goodness. I'm still on medication for it, as is Phoebe, but it's kind of how you take antibiotics long after you stop being sick- it's still working even though the symptoms are all gone. And frankly the symptoms were what I really cared about. That shit hurt. NOT recommended.

- Phoebe turns two whole months old tomorrow. How is that possible?? And she's started outgrowing some of her 0-3 month clothes. Scary. She otherwise remains the smiling-est baby on the planet. I will have to try to take some pictures so you can see the gorgeousness that is her smile. She's also sleeping really well at night. Last night she slept for 5 hours, had a feeding, and then slept another 5 hours. We're starting to lose that haggard look that comes from too many interruptions in sleep for too many nights in a row.

-We all seem to be healthy around here for right now; everyone please say a little prayer that we can stay that way for awhile. I love all my care providers, but I am really ready to not see the inside of a hospital for as long as possible.

- Caetlin has decided that she loves pretty dresses, and it's been mostly warm enough to let her wear them. It is with some small embarrassment that I admit that I think she has basically every style of dress that my local Target sells for toddlers. What?? I'm trying to make sure she has enough to rotate through the week. Really! Anyway, it's awesome to see her twirl around in front of the full-length mirror in our bedroom. She looks at herself, dances around a bit, looks at herself again, and tells me, "It's a pretty dress, Mommy!" I love making her that happy with something so simple as a dress.

- Caetlin has also exploded musically lately, and will often sing herself to sleep. Favorites include "Itsy Bitsy Spider," and "Pop Goes the Weasel" (which is "Hop Goes the Weasel" if she's not paying attention), "London Bridge is Falling Down", "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" and the always-popular ABCs song. It also leads to some interesting displays of personality. Her nanny told us about one day last week when Caetlin was singing Itsy Bitsy Spider and her ABCs at the park, and getting all the "Awww"s and smiles from the assembled grownups. Her little friend Mary, who turned three in January, chimed in as well, and started getting her share of attention. Caetlin apparently decided she was not going to be shown up, and launched into an operatic "Baa Baa, Black Sheep," which Mary didn't know. Caetlin's nanny said Caetlin was clearly all, "Top that, amateur."

- We have started a hard core push on potty training. She's pretty good on pee, though we have to make her go when she's in the middle of something. The poop, however, is a different story. She has pooped in the potty in the past, but for whatever reason, refuses to try these days. We'll be putting her in underwear soon, so she can feel the mess she's making when she goes in her pants, pee or poop. It's going to be a long summer, I think, filled with bodily fluids. Y-A-Y.

- Speaking of summer, we joined the Atlanta Metro YMCA this week, and got Caetlin signed up for parent-tot swim classes that start at the end of this month. I am hoping to spend a few days at the beach with the girls this summer, and I want Caetlin to be at least comfortable if her head should go under or something like that. Plus as much as she loves the water, she needs to learn how to swim, pronto. I'm excited about taking her to the classes; I think it will be fun time for us together.

- Bruce and I both took advantage of the wellness programs at the Y as well, starting a 6-month series with a wellness coordinator who set us up on the weight machines and showed us how to use the FitLinxx system. I walked on the treadmill for the first time today. It's Day 1 in my quest to lose weight, firm up, and make my heart healthier. My diet is better than it has been in a long time, and I feel like it's a diet I can maintain, so the next thing is to add in the exercise while I have the time to get hooked on it. Wish me luck.

- On the work front, Tokyo appears to be officially dead, so that's a decision we at least don't have to face. We have informed the nanny that Bruce could be laid off at any time, and things don't look great for him, and she should probably search for another job, given the economic climate. I think she doesn't want to hear it, and has stuck her head in the sand and refused to look for anything else, but that is not a decision we can make for her. I think we have acted in good conscience in this situation. We have given her all the information we can, and she can choose to act- or not- on that info.

- Completely as a lark, Bruce and I have both registered for the Foreign Service Officer Test to be given in June. It's a lark because the odds of either of us becoming foreign service officers are pretty small, and the process takes a really long time, at least a year. I'm actually enjoying the process of studying for it- test taking is something that I am good at, and I'm enjoying feeling mental muscles stretching out that I haven't used in awhile. It would be a huge deal if one or both of us made it, but I'm not even thinking that way at this point. It's much more about the fun of taking the test and seeing how I do. I've needed an intellectual goal for awhile now, since I'm on leave now and before I left work there wasn't much for me to do anyway.

- Finally, Caetlin was super adorable when she came in from the park this afternoon. I had just finished feeding Phoebe, who was asleep in my arms in the same position she had nursed in. Caetlin picked up Cheer Bear (I think I have written about Cheer Bear before, how she's completely annoying but Caetlin loves her so I love her) and said, "I'm feeding Cheer Bear, Mommy," and held the little pink bear's face to her chest. She sat like that as long as Phoebe stayed in my arms in that position, occasionally telling me how she was feeding Cheer Bear. It was adorable to watch her "nurse" her bear.

So, that's about all there is from here. Life rolls on, more or less uneventfully these days. We like uneventful. Uneventful is good.

Three Funny Stories

Okay, enough with the depressing for a minute. I have three different, funny, true stories from my life the past few days.

1. The Footwear Incident
Friday, I met Bruce and a good friend with whom I work for lunch. It was nice to get out of the house and see my friend, with whom I had lunched pretty regularly before I went on leave. She drove Bruce to the restaurant and I met them there, but I ended up driving Bruce back to the office afterward, just for a few more minutes with my hubby.

In the car, Bruce looked at me and said, "Did you know that when I left the house this morning, I was wearing a hiking boot on one foot and a dress shoe on the other??"

When I caught my breath from laughing, I looked down and saw that he had put on white sneakers that had been in the car. With black pants and a polo shirt. It made me laugh all over again. At least they matched, I guess. Each other, anyway. After I stopped laughing again I had to assure him that I had most definitely not been aware when he left that morning of his, um, shoe situation.

2. The Full Moon
I have mentioned over on Facebook that Caetlin is going through a phase where she's taking off her clothes and diaper in her crib. Partly it is a potty training thing- we're deep into it now, with her regularly going on the potty, if not terribly reliably. And part of it is a sleep-delay tactic. She's giving us and her nanny fits, requiring three sheets changes per nap, and covering all her sleeping accouterments- Elmo, Flat Bear, her two blankies, her pillows, and her covers, plus whatever other stuffed animal may be sleeping with her at the time- in the waste product of the day. This is an awesome stage, I must confess.

So last night, we put her down, and while we normally watch her on the video monitor to make sure she's not taking her clothes off, the monitor battery was dead, and neither of us felt like getting the charger for it. We didn't hear much from her room anyway, and we knew she was really tired, so we assumed she fell asleep pretty quickly and left it at that, attending to the details of feeding Phoebe, feeding ourselves, watching TV, relaxing from the day, etc.

A couple of hours later, we're trooping back to the bedroom to try and get some sleep, where we finally plugged in the monitor. I turned it on and peered at the picture, checking on Caetlin. What confronted me was startling and hilarious: my daughter's bare bottom, a full moon, glowing into the night vision camera. She had passed out face down, completely naked, a result of taking off her one piece pajamas in order to take her diaper off.

We went in and changed her and changed her sheets, which were sopping wet. Caetlin had to have been cold- we keep it cool in the house and I have no idea how she was sleeping so deeply on cold wet bedding, naked. She went back to sleep immediately, and I was left to continue chuckling over the picture of her bare ass that greeted me when I turned the monitor on.

3. The Church Do-Si-Do
I took both the girls to church with me this morning, to give Bruce some kid-free time and for me to get holy. I had intended to put Caetlin into the nursery, but I was running late and I wasn't sure where the nursery was, as we've never taken her there, and so I just took her with me. How bad could it be? I thought.

(Aside: never, as a parent, think, "How bad can it be?" and then continue to do whatever you're thinking about. If you think, "How bad can it be?" the answer is, invariably, much, much worse than what you're prepared for. Just stop if you think those 5 little words. Really. Not worth it, ever.)

I wasn't dumb enough to try to take both girls to the cathedral Mass, so we instead went to the Mass held in the parish hall, which has a higher than average proportion of children and is easier to get in and out of. I had Phoebe in a sling at my hip, and Caetlin motored under her own power. Everything was great at first. Caetlin was glad to be hanging out with me, no matter how many times I asked her to use her whisper voice, and she was really, really good, staying confined to our little two-chair area, playing with things she found in the diaper bag, etc.

Then the homily ran long. I knew we were in for it when I looked at my watch, and 50 minutes had gone by, and we were only at the beginning of the Eucharist. Of course I hadn't been able to pay much attention to the homily because of wrangling Caetlin, but I figured I could still take Communion, which has always been central to me. Caetlin had started to melt down a little, starting when I took my lipstick from her that she found in my purse. I had let her play with it for a long time, actually, since she wasn't hurting anything, and it would cause more of a scene to take it from her, but when I realized she was getting it all in her hair (at least it was a good color for her), I just grabbed it. That, predictably, didn't go over well.

Then they called our row with no advance warning, sending us up the center aisle instead of down the side as expected. I had to usher Caetlin, who was feeling contrary, out and into the procession. She decided that she wasn't going to go, and laid flat down on the floor.

I tried to get out of the way of those behind me, Phoebe swinging loose in her sling from my hip as I bent over Caetlin with murder in my eyes (not very Godly, I admit). I ultimately had to pick Caetlin up and carry her to the priest so I could receive Communion. I had 9.5 pounds of Phoebe on my right hip, 30 pounds of Caetlin on my left hip, and I was on a mission; I was going to take Communion if it killed us all. Caetlin smacked me all the way up the aisle, too, on my arm and on my face, over and over and over. I marched grimly on.

I reached the priest, finally, and he blessed Caetlin and gave me my piece of the host. I tried to direct his attention to my hip, where Phoebe slept in the sling, pulling the sling open with my non-Caetlin-holding hand, trying to mumble around my mouthful of dry host, "Can you bless her please?" Meanwhile, Caetlin's hands are reaching out for the piece of host that the clueless priest is holding out, and he was about to hand it to her, and I realized at that minute that Phoebe wasn't getting blessed today. I whisked Caetlin away, her grasping fingers closing on empty air instead of the proffered piece of bread, seeing the bewilderment and confusion in the priest's eyes at just how weird that little interlude was.

I reached our seats with something like gratitude smothered in murderous rage at my brat daughter. I picked up our things and took us out, before the end of the service, needing to get out, feeling as though everyone had witnessed my strange little Communion shuffle (of course, they hadn't). What had I been thinking, taking both kids and not insisting that Caetlin go to the nursery? How bad could it be? Worse than I imagined. At least Caetlin didn't start screaming. That would have been much worse. She did, however, decide to lie flat again in the middle of the hallway outside. I saw a nice man stoop to try and help me, before he realized that no, she wasn't hurt, just being obnoxious. He backed away like she had the plague. I couldn't really blame him. I wanted to do the same thing, myself.

A Couple of Notes

Something I meant to mention awhile ago: a week after Phoebe was born, Bruce ended up in the emergency room with excruciating abdominal pain. After a number of tests that ruled out the big things like cancer and a heart attack, the emergency room sent him home with a referral to a GI specialist and prescriptions for Vicodin and Nexium, which more or less controlled the pain. While the pain faded after a couple of days, and we were pretty convinced that he had just had a really bad case of food poisoning, he had an ultrasound of his gall bladder done last Friday. The results came back yesterday: gall stones. His GI doctor is recommending removal. He's having a surgical consult to investigate his options, as the potential side effects of removal worry him greatly.

We took Phoebe to the doctor this morning. She worried us with several episodes of vomiting, which my crack internet searching revealed might be a symptom of pyloric stenosis. The nurse at the pediatrician's office wanted to see her for at least a weight check; if she had pyloric stenosis, she wouldn't be gaining weight appropriately. Our concerns were quickly alleviated at the doctor's office, as the scale showed she weighed 9 pounds even. She's gained 22 ounces in 13 days. As my friend Kelley says, I am a milk machine! The doctor looked her over, and she looks perfectly healthy, so the diagnosis is overfeeding. She isn't terribly good at telling me when she's finished, and I have so much milk that she overeats and then occasionally vomits it back up. The doctor is of the opinion that she will learn when to stop, plus the sphincter at the top of her stomach will also get stronger soon, so we should see a decrease in vomit soon. Thank goodness. I don't know if I could take it if another family member needed surgery.

Finally, we may be moving in the very near future. Our lease is up at the end of this month, and we recently saw another house for rent that we both liked very much. The new house is in the same neighborhood, and is essentially the same price, but is much bigger. We haven't entirely decided whether to take it or not, but we are leaning that way. It's really a perfect house for us, head and shoulders above our current place. Our main calculus is whether we should look for something cheaper, or try to negotiate a lower rent on our current house. The main drawback of this house is that it is the same price as our current rent, so we aren't exactly cutting costs, which would seem to be important at this time. Anyway, more details as decisions get made.

Sorry for the headline-news feeling of the last couple of posts. That's kind of the way life is for me right now.

News

Some few pieces of news from the No Math household:

1. Caetlin has become ever more adept at using the potty! She has both urinated and pooped on the potty in recent days, some days more than once. We've been inadvertently helped by a really bad case of diaper rash, caused by the antibiotic that is treating her ear infection. (Yeah, she had an ear infection, diagnosed about a week ago. We can't seem to keep the child healthy.) Anyway, she's had a really terrible time with the diaper rash, and it has made her reluctant to urinate in her diaper, because it stings on the rash. So she holds it and goes in the potty. Voila! Toilet training through pain! I should write a book.*

It's been interesting to see Caetlin's response to the diaper rash. She's had it this bad before- the girl has a sensitive bottom. But she has never put up this much of a fight about changing her diaper before, where she wriggles and screams before anyone even touches her. Beyond being heartbreaking, it is also evidence, I think, that she is anticipating the pain, meaning she is starting to think about the future. With previous diaper rash incidents, the pain was immediate and then she forgot about it. This time she remembers that it hurts and anticipates that pain when it's time for a change. Very interesting to me.

2. Caetlin can also read a couple of words. This isn't actually new, so I might have posted about it before, but she can read her name and a couple of other words. They are sight words; she isn't quite ready for phonics and sounding words out yet, mostly because I don't think she grasps the concept of being able to read by herself. When she gets that and wants to read, it will be a snap to teach her, I think. She knows all her letters and the sounds that many of them make already. Anyway, Bruce was skeptical when I called it "reading" that she can recognize her name and a couple other words, but as I pointed out to him, reading is nothing but pattern recognition, and she recognizes and puts meaning to the pattern that is "Caetlin." Just because she can't sound words out doesn't mean she isn't reading these two or three sight words. I think it's pretty cool, regardless. And I'm reasonably confident that she'll be reading before 4.

3. Japan news- things appear to have stalled on the part of the client company. We do not think the position is dead in the water yet; as soon as the firm becomes convinced of that, we think Bruce will be laid off, which hasn't happened yet. However, as the economy continues to go south, both here and in Japan, the prospects for Bruce remaining employed, whether here or there, are looking grimmer every day. I just try to take things one day at a time and not focus on the insecurity. I especially try not to worry about my own job and try to have faith that I add enough value and that the firm wouldn't be so cruel as to lay us both off. I'm also hopeful that maybe when I return from leave, things will have picked up a bit. Fingers crossed.

4. Phoebe's hair is falling out. It remains to be seen whether it all falls out or just some of it. We're having pictures made tomorrow, so we can at least memorialize her birth hair, in the event that she turns into a bald baby. She is otherwise fine, growing like crazy and still an easygoing girl.

That's about all the news fit to print around here. Other than job and economic worries, we are all fine. Bruce and I are a little tired, but otherwise all is well.

I hope to have more pictures of Phoebe soon.

*I hope I don't have to clarify this, but making light of my daughter's painful diaper rash and the unintended (good) consequences thereof don't mean I'm glad for it. I fervently wish it had never happened, as I can't stand to see my big girl in so much pain. But sometimes one needs to find the funny where one can, you know?

Settling In

I have to say that so far, managing two kids has not been as challenging as I thought it would be. *Frantically knocks all wood in immediate vicinity* Seriously, though, I am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop with Phoebe. She is so far a tremendously easygoing baby. She sometimes cries when we change her diaper, and she cries when she's hungry. Very occasionally, like once in 11 days, she's cried for a minute or two because she had gas. If I can get to her before she's melting down with hunger (not too hard at this point), she might cry once per day. So far, there have been none of the random newborn freakouts. Caetlin was an easy child, but nothing like this. I'm sure the fact that my anxiety level is way, way down helps a lot.

Anyway, we'll keep our fingers crossed that Phoebe maintains this even temperament as she grows. And now, some random observations from chez No Math:

- As I mentioned, our anxiety level is way down regarding care and feeding of a newborn. I have none of the worry that we won't be able to keep Phoebe alive, like I did with Caetlin. That makes spending time with her and the rest of the family far more fun and less scary than I ever imagined it could be.

- As a corollary to the lowered anxiety, I don't have Mom Ears tuned quite as sensitively as they were with Caetlin, which is actually a good thing. Phoebe sleeps kind of loudly, making all kinds of grunts, snores, and squeaks in the night. I manage to sleep through most of that. With Caetlin, I woke up with every little noise. Now, I'm getting more sleep than I had hoped for.

- Nursing is going so much better than I ever expected, thanks to some timely intervention by a lactation consultant that I was smart enough to go see the day after we left the hospital. I was quite sore, and she helped me learn how to get Phoebe latched on well, so as to not hurt nearly as much. The initial first days caused a bit of soreness that is mostly healed now, which is a good thing because Phoebe is a nursing fool. She cluster feeds during most days, so by the end of the day I'm a little sore again, but it also means she sleeps for decent stretches at night- 5 or 6 hours- and I recover then. I nursed Caetlin, but I used nipple shields with her and she and I never learned to latch on correctly. I am convinced that is part of why Caetlin stopped nursing when I went back to work. I am hopeful that will not happen with Phoebe.

- Because of her voracious appetite, Phoebe is visibly growing. She's also pooing about every 30 seconds or so, often mid-diaper change. Awesome. Thankfully, breastmilk poop doesn't smell bad, a fact that I am grateful for when it comes bubbling out of her as I'm trying to clean her tiny bottom.

- Caetlin is apparently enchanted with "Baby Phoebe." She loves looking at her, and touching her occasionally. She talks about her all the time. She's also clearly thrilled that I am up and about and interacting with her more. She's a joy to be around (beyond being a typical 2.5 year old pain in the booty).

- Caetlin started just today calling me Mom and Bruce Dad. Where did she get this? I have no idea. Not from us; we've always referred to ourselves as Mommy and Daddy. She hasn't dropped Mommy and Daddy, but Mom and Dad have started to work their way in, and it makes her sound older than she is.

- I had my first post-partum alcoholic beverage tonight, a beer, and it tasted like nectar of the gods. So incredibly yummy.

- I feel wonderful. Really, really good. I have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating, because I just feel that good. I am happy that I can hang out with Caetlin without worrying about her hurting me, or that I'm doing too much. I am happy that I am sleeping better. I am happy that I can eat a turkey sandwich without worrying about listeria, that I can drink that aforementioned beer, that I can imagine going out to a restaurant and having a great glass of wine that completely complements the meal. I no longer have heartburn. I don't hurt from giving birth, haven't had a single pain pill. And there's this other thing. I'm a little embarrassed to say this, because I am so happy about it, but it's so atypical and I had nothing to do with it, but I still remain really happy about it.

Okay, I'll whisper it:

I'm back into non-maternity clothes. And I'm only 9 pounds off my pre-pregnant weight.

I don't mean to throw that into anyone's face. Again, I had nothing to do with it. I'm just lucky this time. And I'm so happy about it, no looking a gift horse in the mouth for me. It helps me feel better all over to feel like I look good physically.

Anyway, that's what's happening around here these days. It's your average brand new baby, second child, toddler parenting situation, and we're happy. I'm happy. Things are good.

One Thing Down

Well, we got Caetlin's surgery behind us today. It was a very quick procedure, as promised, and the surgery center was actually running ahead of schedule, so we went home at 1:30 this afternoon, after having arrived at 10:30 that morning.

She woke up early purely by chance this morning, though we needed to get her up early anyway so she could have some Jello and juice for breakfast (no solids allowed), which she had to finish by 8:30. We had talked about going to the doctor, and how they would help her have a nap and when she woke up Mommy and Daddy would be there, and maybe her girl parts might be a little sore, but I'm not sure how much of it sunk in. She was super cooperative at the surgery center, though, especially in taking the vitals. When the nurse pulled out the blood pressure cuff, she stuck out her ankle and pulled up her pants leg (they mostly took her blood pressure in her leg when she was in the hospital, as that was usually more accessible). The nurse was amazed at how good she was, and we had to admit that it was because of her recent hospital stay.

They only let one person back with her when they put her under the anesthesia, which by default was Bruce. They said there may be gases in the room that would be problematic for the baby, so I was not allowed back. He described it as a typical operating room, brightly lit and with four or five people in there. He laid her down on the bed and she started getting really scared, and crying a little, especially when they put the mask on, of which I guess she had little warning. Then to watch her go under was kind of freaky, as her eyes rolled back in her head and she was gone.

We were led to a small post-op room to wait. The procedure itself only took 10-15 minutes, and when the urologist came to see us after, he told us that her right ureter was pretty badly misplaced, possibly worse than the tests have so far indicated. They corrected it with the injection of the Deflux material, and now it is a waiting game to see if the material stays put and holds fast over time.

After another 15 or 20 minutes, they brought her in on a bed. She was crying, clearly scared and upset, almost hysterical, which I had expected. Her condition was actually better than I expected it to be, post-anesthesia, frankly. The nurse helped untangle her IV and got her to me; she was basically standing on the bed climbing me to get away from the nurse, so the hardest thing was making sure the IV wasn't going to be pulled. Her gown had fallen off mostly, and she just sat on my lap, her head on my shoulder, covered by a blanket to keep her warm. We had the foresight to bring her blankets and paci and her stuffed tiger, and these things gave her comfort too. Eventually her sobs trailed off, and she fell asleep on me.

She slept that way for a good half an hour, while the nurse came in and discussed discharge instructions and mentioned that she wanted to see Caetlin drink some juice and keep it down before we could go home. At 1:15 we woke her up, and she drank half the sippy of juice we brought with us. She kept it down just fine, and besides being a tiny bit scratchy-voiced from the breathing tube, was basically herself again. The first thing she asked for was that the IV be taken off (completely understandable!), and when the nurse came to let us go home she was completely compliant in letting her pull the tape off, even going so far as to point out the remaining tape to the nurse.

Other than being a slight bit cranky, she's entirely herself, though it's unclear whether the cranky is because she's tired or a lingering effect of the anesthetic. She even went to the park with Bruce this afternoon and had a great time. She went down early and immediately- there weren't even any bedtime stories because she was just too tired. We were told there may be some slight burning on urination for the first couple of times, and we've witnessed that a couple of times this afternoon, so hopefully that's all behind her. There's a small risk of ureter obstruction over the next couple of days, but otherwise she should be completely fine. Diet and activity levels are all allowed to be normal.

We go back to the urologist in one month, to check her via ultrasound, and then will follow up with another of the dreaded VCUG exams in 2 or 3 months. Hopefully that will show that the abnormality (check out the photo at the link for a good picture of the problem) has been corrected by this procedure. As I may have mentioned, it won't stop her from getting UTIs, to the extent that she is susceptible to them. It should, however, stop them from getting to her kidneys. Assuming a normal VCUG, we can also stop giving her the prophylactic antibiotic, which we've all come to hate at this point (the new one tastes terrible, and we've had to resort to giving it to her in a small amount of ice cream every day).

Anyway, that's one thing down before Segunda. I see my regular OB tomorrow, at which point we'll nail down an induction date. I have something to do every day this week, so it is a busy week at this point. Saturday I am registered for a breastfeeding class that I am really hoping I can attend, so knock on wood that my health stays good and Segunda stays inside until Saturday afternoon.

In other news, I believe I've caught the cold that made its way between Bruce and Caetlin, despite not touching either one of them and having basically worn away the skin on my hands washing or alcohol-sanitizing them for the last 4 days. I'm so freaking annoyed at this, and worried about what it means for labor and delivery, and tired because I'm not sleeping enough, and generally cranky and tired of being stuck in my house, that I'm really not in a good place about everything right now. So it's nice to have one less thing to worry about, for once.

Of the Short Term and Longer Term Issues

So, in order according to the issue that will impact us soonest: Caetlin, Segunda, and Tokyo.

Caetlin had to go back to the doctor today, for a catheterization to give the doctor a urine sample to make sure that the infection has been vanquished prior to her surgery next Monday. How I wish she were potty trained, so we didn't have to go through the catheterization process! She hates it, and fights it, and I have to help hold her down, and even though I know it is the right and necessary thing to do, it makes me feel like such a horrible Mommy. I'm supposed to keep her safe from everything that hurts her, and here I am facilitating pain in my dearest girl. I could have taken the easy way out and not gone to the doctor today, but I felt like I had to be there for her. Through her tears and screams, she had her eyes open and she was looking at me. Did I offer her comfort by being there, even though I was holding her down for the torture? I hope so. I really wanted to offer her comfort and make her less afraid. Anyway, the minute it was over, she was fine, of course. I hope she forgives me.

On the practical side, she has her surgery next Monday, assuming her urine is clear (it was immediately clear under the microscope, but they are also going to culture it too). It is, as I may have mentioned, outpatient, though she will have to be under general anesthesia. I asked her pediatrician about whether I should be freaked out by her being under a general, and she said absolutely not, the anesthesiologist is a pediatric anesthesiologist and does nothing but dose children all day long. She said the hardest thing will be seeing her come out of it, which wasn't terribly comforting. Here again, I could take the easy way out- it's probably not good for my blood pressure to be anxiously waiting for my daughter to come out of surgery- but I won't. I'll be there for her to hopefully help ease her through whatever terrible transition awakening from the drugs will mean for her.

On the Segunda front, I visited the doctor again today, and things appear to be the same. My blood pressure is still up, but comes down with rest almost immediately. If I really could do nothing but spend time on my left side, I would be golden. Unfortunately, of course, that is not feasible, so we are playing a game of chance. Can my pressure be sufficiently controlled with rest, to the point where it is not more harmful to me or the baby to leave her inside? It appears that it can, at least as of now. I am probably not taking my bed rest seriously enough, especially not during a three-day weekend where it was important to me to attend a good friend's daughter's baptism (I am her godmother, for crying out loud!), where I felt guilty and lazy for allowing Bruce to do all the Caetlin wrangling, where I felt I didn't see Caetlin enough as it is anyway, and where I simply couldn't bear to let my messy house and unwashed clothes remain messy and unwashed any longer (nor could I let Bruce do it all; see above for guilt).

My doctor remains out of town until early next week, and then is out of town again at the end of next week, so it looks like my probable induction date is March 4, if I haven't gone into labor spontaneously by then or if something hasn't happened to suggest that I should be induced even though my doctor isn't around to deliver. I said March 2 a few days ago, but apparently the call schedule has been rearranged. Anyway, when I see my doctor again next Tuesday, we will discuss it. I go back on Friday to see the other doctor I've been seeing while my doc is out of town.

We spoke a bit about my particular circumstances, and how they will affect my labor and delivery, and even if I start labor spontaneously, there is no possible way I will not be hooked immediately and continuously to the fetal monitor. That being the case, I will be confined to bed immediately on my arrival to the hospital. I had hoped to attempt a drug-free labor and delivery this time, and being more or less immobile is going to make that difficult. I know that, because I was monitored continuously with Caetlin too, and even though I was not attempting anything drug free at that time, I still felt confined and unable to really get comfortable. Anyway, it feels to me like I shouldn't even go in with any expectation of a drug-free birth, because it is just going to be too hard to try it under these circumstances. No walking around to labor, no changing positions to labor, no hot showers...it just seems like so many options are going to be taken away from me. And while I am no crunchy, Rikki Lake-style believer that an unmedicated birth is the only true way to have a baby, I had wanted to give it a try. At least a shot, to see if I could do it. And the odds are now pretty stacked against me being able to do it, which I'm not really surprised by. But I am still kind of disappointed.

That is all if labor actually starts spontaneously, which I'm not so sure that it will. If I am induced, that will be even one more thing keeping me immobile (the IV for the Pitocin), and one more thing making drug-free even harder (the Pitocin makes contractions come more closely together and more painful). I am hopeful that if I am induced, they won't break the amniotic sac right away, which they did with Caetlin, which also makes it more painful. Anyway, the reason I am not confident of spontaneous labor is because at today's cervix check, there is nothing happening. No change. Zip. Zilch. Nada. For all that I feel like I could go into labor at any minute, nothing is happening to actually make that a reality.

And finally, Tokyo. Here's the rundown on Tokyo, about which I haven't written much. Late last year, in the October-November time frame, Bruce was approached about a secondment with a Tokyo client. A secondment is a job at the company for a specific time frame or assignment, arranged in concert with the law firm. The firm gets a strengthened client relationship (assuming the lawyer does a good job) and the lawyer gets another professional avenue to explore. It's like trying on an in-house counsel job without having to actually switch jobs. And in this case, the job would be in Tokyo.

Bruce went through several rounds of interviews with partners in the firm, making sure he was a good fit for the firm to recommend to any potential client who might want a secondee. We were led to believe that there were several clients who had a need for someone. There were also discussions about me, and finding a secondment for me as well, for the whole family relocating to Tokyo. We researched typical ex-patriate packages, and it looked good, like a potential raise. It looked like a way out, a way to revitalize Bruce's career that is fading as a result of the market mess we find ourselves in.

I didn't write about it at the time, because I wanted to wait until it was a done deal, until we were leasing an apartment in Roppongi and looking for day care for Caetlin. But it looked good. It looked really, really promising.

And then the market continued to slide, and the emails grew more non-committal, talking about whether- not when- any client actually had a need to be filled, suggesting that the opportunities were drying up. There was also a problem with what to do after, as the Tokyo office wasn't making any promises to take either of us on, which may have required us to come back to the Atlanta office and fit back in somehow (when he has never managed to fit in here to begin with?). And as time went on, it looked like it was a dead issue. It had been exciting to contemplate, and scary, but ultimately it went nowhere.

Then, Bruce was told, unofficially but not rumor, that he was being laid off. And then it didn't happen, and we've been left to wonder why. There is a new department that has been formed, a department that Bruce could possibly join, has asked to join, but he hasn't been formally reassigned, even now, nearly two months after discussing it with the head of the office. I know things work slowly in the firm, but it has been a source of anxiety trying to figure out what Bruce's place is in all this. Is he on the brink of being laid off, and that is why he hasn't been reassigned?

And so, a couple of weeks ago, the answer appeared to have presented itself. He has been offered a secondment, for a year, in Tokyo. At a significantly reduced salary than we originally expected, courtesy of the freefalling market and a huge number of laid off American lawyers flooding Asia looking for work. There is no discussion of me, except to say that there is no room for me in the Tokyo office. There is no guarantee of any office for Bruce to return to, after his position. The bottom line, though it hasn't been spelled out in so many words, is that his choice is Tokyo or be laid off. We both think this is why he hasn't been reassigned. And they are going to be offering the client a real deal, an experienced attorney who is so much cheaper than anyone in Japan would ever expect. The firm has little or no incentive to try to work with the client to increase the comp offered (which includes $0 for cost of living, because apparently it's comparable to live in Tokyo versus Atlanta), since Bruce is more or less disposable to the firm at this point. If he says no, no harm done. He'll just be fired. This is our reasoning, anyway, though it has not been confirmed to us.

We don't feel as though we have any choice but to take it. I will have to stay here, because I can't give up my salary, since his salary will not be enough to support the family in Tokyo and I have no job in Japan. And given the current market, it just feels irresponsible for Bruce to give up on his law career when we still have a house in Charlotte that we can't sell, and no way of knowing what the financial outlook is. It is us basically operating on a premise that things are still going to get worse for us, and we can't afford to give any ground in the event that things really do get worse. If that Unknown Something Terrible happens, we will be in better shape if Bruce continues working, even at a reduced salary (reduced because it will have to be maintaining him in Tokyo on the same amount of money. He's also getting paid in dollars, which is even worse since the dollar is so weak against the yen right now), than if he were not working at all.

So...I'm likely going to be a single mom for a year. It seems like it should be workable- after all, tons of parents do it every day. My mother-in-law has offered to move up to help, which will be a huge thing, and I love her so incredibly much for it. I think, given the financial squeeze, that we may let the nanny go, though the flexibility that we have with her is a huge benefit.

I...can't write about this any more now. You may guess from the tone here that I am kind of down; it's been a bit of a tough day. The process is going to take a few months, so I'll have time to fill in the details later.

My Health, Caetlin's Health...The Saga Continues

So, my blood pressure is up and looks to remain that way for the remainder of my pregnancy. At my last doctor visit last Thursday, my doctor clearly didn't want to push me to take some time off work, but he also pretty clearly wanted to recommend it. I told him I wanted to take the weekend and decide, and given how low my pressure gets when I literally do nothing- lay around in bed and watch TV or read or surf the internet- it seems a good move to go ahead and take the leave. It will be covered as short term disability, which will continue my pay at 100% of my salary until I have the baby and start maternity leave. I go back tomorrow morning and will likely go ahead and ask for the recommendation. I don't have much happening at work, but the little that I do have can certainly be done remotely. I cleaned my office last week and did filing and labeled the stacks of stuff remaining. I need to find someone who can take custody of the plants I have in my office, or at least ask my secretary to calendar watering them into her schedule, but mostly, all is set for me to be away for a number of months. There is no reason, other than personal, that I should continue to show up to surf the firm's internet when it would be better for my health and that of Segunda's if I spent more time at home. (The personal reason is just because I envision being cooped up at home most of the time, and I would miss the personal interaction at work.)

Caetlin started her new prophylactic antibiotic on Thursday, and by Saturday afternoon it appeared that her innards were reacting very badly. She spent all day Saturday having the worst diarrhea I have ever seen from her, and she clearly wasn't feeling well, though she remained happy and energetic. It was more that her bottom and possibly her tummy was troubling her. We got diaper cream on her as soon as we could, and have laced her baths with baking soda, but she's still a little rashy. Anyway, we called the pediatrician last night, more because I worried about the diarrhea being a side effect of the drug than that I was specifically worried about the diarrhea itself. She was not acting cranky or lethargic and she was drinking a lot, though the pediatrician was concerned about her output and suggested that if it kept up in volume the way it had been (she was putting out more than she was taking in, for awhile yesterday afternoon), we might need to take her- where else?- back to the hospital for some IV fluids. It didn't get to that, though, as she didn't have a bad diaper all night last night, and her poop has firmed up a bit over the course of today.

We did not give her the new antibiotic today; we're going to leave off for another day or two and then start her back to see if it is just bad timing with an intestinal bug of some kind, or if it really is a reaction to her antibiotic. My money is on the drug, but we'll see. It is yet another reason to schedule the procedure soon, if she can't tolerate this new drug.

She's otherwise really good and really happy. She's also gotten really snuggly and affectionate over the last few days, which is of course my Kryptonite for trying to enforce any sort of order. I went in to her room this afternoon not long after Bruce put her down for her nap, with the goal of trying to get her to lay down so I could cover her with her blanket and hopefully help her get to sleep. She stood up and just started hugging me, holding me in her arms and nuzzling her face into my chest. We stayed like that for 15 minutes, because I couldn't bear to end it. Sap that I am.

Anyway, we're getting back on the phone with Caetlin's pediatrician tomorrow, and I'm back at the doctor's office tomorrow morning as well. We're all tired of being at the doctor's, I think, even as much as we love them.

Update on My Health and Other Matters

So, I may have mentioned that my pregnancy induced high blood pressure appears to be back. It was elevated, for the first time in my pregnancy, when I saw the doctor on Thursday before Caetlin got sick, and I ended up having to go back twice last week while Caetlin was in the hospital. Without rehashing details I've already written about, suffice to say my pressure has stayed elevated. No pre-eclampsia, thank goodness, but definitely high blood pressure.

I saw the doctor yesterday and had a fetal non-stress test- basically, they hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor, which also measured contractions, and gave me a Jeopardy! style handheld clicker that I was to push every time I felt Segunda move. I stayed strapped up to the machine for maybe 20 minutes or so, at which time the doctor came in and looked at the readout and pronounced the baby, "Perfect." So Segunda is in no distress at all from my condition.

My pressure wasn't high enough yesterday to make my doctor order me out of work, but he did recommend that I buy a blood pressure cuff and start charting my pressure through the day. He also said he is going to see me twice a week from now on. The point right now is to monitor me for any dangerously high spikes, and see if it is trending upward or if it appears to be higher during the work day, at which point he will certify that I need to stop working.

The doctor said the baby would be completely fine if we delivered her right now, though she would probably have to stay in the hospital an extra week or ten days. I would personally prefer that she stay in until the end of the month as she is supposed to, for her sake, for my sake (I'm not ready yet!) and for leave purposes. For a variety of boring reasons, I really want to have her as late as possible, so I can stretch out my leave for 4 months, until the beginning of July.

Anyway, today was the first day of monitoring, and so far it does seem as though my pressure is higher during the work day. I don't really want to be certified as short-term disabled, but I'd rather that than having to deliver the baby right now.

Anyway, that's all there is on that front. I go back to the doctor on Thursday.

Caetlin is doing marvelously well. You'd never know, looking at her today, that she was so sick a week ago. For example, I was standing in the laundry nook off the kitchen tonight, putting a load into the washer, and she was running around and around the circle between kitchen, dining room and living room, yelling, "I run and go fast, Mommy!" every time she made the circuit. She saw her pediatrician today, who thought she looked great, and is happy with our treatment plan. We are seeing her urologist tomorrow, to discuss having the outpatient procedure done that will more than likely fix her reflux and stop any future UTIs from infecting her kidneys. Hopefully we can have it done before Segunda comes. The procedure is a complete snap as I understand it, involving more or less a large needle and an ultrasound machine, I think, so I hope it won't be too hard to schedule.

(Adorable non-sequitur: the firm sent a lovely basket of books and toys and a balloon, and one of the things in the basket was a Mickey Mouse activity book, including Caetlin's beloved stickers. She's been asking for Mickey Mouse stickers, and I have to indulge her as much as I possibly can, since she calls him, "Wickey Mouse." Which I think is seriously the cutest thing ever and I make her say it as much as I can.)

I pulled all of Caetlin's newborn size clothing out of storage today, so it can be washed and made ready for Segunda. I cannot comprehend how those clothes ever fit Caetlin, how they were even a little big for her.

Finally, Bruce has received an offer from the firm's Tokyo office to go work for a year for one of their Japanese investment bank clients. I think the weird limbo that we've been in regarding his job status has something to do with this offer, like it's this or being laid off. The compensation isn't exactly what we would like, and Bruce has asked if anything can be done in that regard, though our hopes aren't high. Plus there is the whole Bruce-living-in-Tokyo-for-a-year thing, the whole single parenthood thing, from my perspective. It's not ideal, but if Bruce wants to continue being a lawyer, he basically needs to take it. At the current offer, we'll lose money over what we're making now, but not nearly as much as if Bruce loses his job altogether. It's unclear when they will want him to start, if he accepts it; most likely sometime in early summer.

Anyway, I can't write much more about that, in part because I don't know where my thinking is. It's just one more area of upheaval and stress. Awesome.

Maybe Life Wants Me on Bedrest

So, after yesterday's excitement, I think I'll be generally staying in bed most of the day today.

Wait, I guess a lot has happened since I posted yesterday afternoon. Yesterday when I posted, I was getting ready to meet Bruce and Caetlin out for lunch at the local Chik-Fil-A, which is newly remodeled and has an indoor playground. I was going to go into the office at that point (you'll notice none of this is exactly close to bed rest) and then maybe go have my nails done. Caetlin was going home to take her nap, and if all went well, I would get home right as she woke up.

At Chik-Fil-A, Bruce and I kind of discussed that Caetlin seemed a little under the weather, a little not herself, and while I was there, she seemed to get more and more out of it. We dosed her with Tylenol there in the restaurant, as she felt a little warm, and Bruce ended up taking her home early.

I had only been at work maybe 30 minutes when Bruce called me. "She's had a seizure," he said. "The paramedics are on their way." I told him I would be right there, and they were on their way heading out the door when I got home, ready to ride to the hospital. Caetlin attached herself to me when I got there, having apparently just thrown up much of her lunch.

Most reading here will know that we've had these kind of issues before. Caetlin has a history of febrile seizures, brought on by a quickly spiking fever, lasting a very short time and doing no neurological damage. So we're kind of used to this, and I even sort of expected that we might not go to the hospital this time, but the vomiting sealed the deal. So I hopped into the ambulance with her, the paramedic strapped me onto the gurney with Caetlin falling asleep in my arms, and away we went.

A few hours later and a dose of Zofran for the nausea and Motrin for the (now 103.5 degree) fever, and we were on our way. They took a urine sample to rule out a UTI as the underlying cause of the fever, but it was clear under the microscope. They will culture it, but all of us expect that Caetlin has a pretty virulent strain of the stomach bug that is going around. (The urine sample sucked, as the nurse had to try three times to catheterize the poor baby. Even though the cath is tiny, it was really, really unpleasant for Caetlin, who spent the evening screaming and holding her crotch whenever she urinated.)

Anyway, we know the drill- alternate Tylenol and Motrin every three hours. With the hospital Motrin in her, she seemed like a different child, running and talking and playing around the house completely normally. We gave her a pretty bland dinner of bananas and Jello and put her to bed early, since she was sick and had no nap.

She fell asleep easily, and rested comfortably for awhile. But after a few hours she was breathing a little huffily, a little bit like panting, in her sleep. She didn't sound congested, exactly- more like she just didn't feel well. We dosed her with Motrin, and all of us slept badly until about 2 a.m., when we gave her Tylenol again. At about 2:45, Bruce was watching her on the monitor and said to me, "She's having another seizure."

I got dressed and told him, "We're going to the hospital." He asked me if we should call 911, and I said I thought we could get her there faster ourselves. We packed a few things in the diaper bag and took off down the highway. Caetlin was in her post-seizure passed-out phase, which to me is almost scarier than the seizure itself.

So, 12 hours later we found ourselves in the same ER, in the very same room, as a matter of fact. They took her temperature and gave her Motrin, and we waited long enough to see the doctor that it had kicked in by then and she almost didn't even look sick when she was seen. She was talking, awake, laughing and smiling, cooperative, everything. We were sent home with the exact same discharge instructions, after the exact same drugs and examination results. I had been hoping for something else to do to control her fever, besides just the Tylenol and Motrin, but the doctor said anti-seizure medication isn't really called for here, and that was about all he could do. We asked if we should even bring her in if she has another seizure, and the nurse said to call the emergency department directly. 9 times out of 10 they will say to come in, but we might be number 10, if by some horrible chance she has a third one over the next few hours.

She has never had two with the same illness. That's new.

Anyway, we're all at home, I'm about to pass out, and Caetlin appears to be resting comfortably for the time being. She's due for Tylenol at 7 a.m., but hopefully she will sleep through it. The Tylenol seems to be doing nothing for the fever anyway.

To top it all off, carrying her around this afternoon meant I strained some of the muscles in my groin, and so I'm walking around like an old lady, groaning when I have to get into bed or try to turn over. I forgot the pain when it was time to get her to the hospital the second time, but it's back now with a vengeance.

I still have work to do today. This has not been an ideal way to get my blood pressure down, I must say.

Anyway, must sleep now.

Bittersweet

So, the estrangement from my extended family that I have alluded to a few times continues apace. I'm starting to feel better about it; certainly time is doing it's legendary healing of all wounds. I won't say I'm happy about it, or that I don't wonder whether we'll ever speak again or be close again, but it's not taking up huge chunks of my brain power any more, and for that I am grateful. I'm learning to fill those holes in my life with other things, and I think on balance it is a good change that I've had to make.

It doesn't change the fact, though, that sometimes things are a little poignant. This afternoon, Bruce, Caetlin and I went to lunch at a casual restaurant that we usually have visited with my sister and brother-in-law. On the way inside from the car, Caetlin says, clearly remembering the times we've been there with them, "Aunt [Sister] gone bye-bye."

Bruce just said, yes, baby, you really don't know how true that is. Aunt [Sister] is gone bye-bye in so many more ways than one.

And then a minute later she followed it up with, "And Uncle [Brother-In-Law] gone bye-bye too."

And Bruce said, yes, sweetie, he was truly unfortunate collateral damage and he's gone bye-bye too. Bruce had thought of Brother-In-Law as a friend, and has been terribly disappointed that in the turmoil between my sister and me, Brother-In-Law seems to have written Bruce off as well.

We moved on, swinging Caetlin between us ("One...Two...THREE!"), and into the restaurant for lunch, even as we moved on in our conversation and our thoughts. But the short exchange stayed with me, funny and sad, wisdom from the mouths of babes, etc. We are- I am- moving on. I'm still sad that I have to, but yes- my family is gone bye-bye.

A Good Day's Work

Bruce and I spent the day working to get ready for Segunda today. My hormones have not left me alone lately, urging me to nest, whispering that we're not ready. If I'm honest and realistic, the car seat is the only truly necessary piece of equipment; if we had to bring Segunda home yesterday, it would suck for Bruce because he would have to do all the work that we did today by himself, as well as all that still remains, but it would have been okay. Yet the car seat still required a bit of work; it's been stored in our yucky basement, along with the cats and the various vermin, for the last nearly two years. It had cobwebs on it. It needed some TLC.

And that goes for all the other various baby gear that we still own but which has been relegated to basement, attic, various closets, etc. Not to mention the small things- clothes, bibs, bottles- that Caetlin no longer has any use for but that we'll need for Segunda. Also not to mention the various furniture that needed to be shifted around. You can maybe begin to see why my hormones have been prodding me.

So, we sent Caetlin with a babysitter today for most of the day (after going out to breakfast with her, at which she ate a truly prodigious amount of food. Girl loves her breakfast), and set to work getting these things done.

Here are the things we accomplished today:
- We moved the glider and footrest into Segunda's room. This was harder than it sounds, since the doors in this house are pretty narrow. It meant taking the glider apart and putting it back together.

- We moved one of our big comfy chairs and ottoman into Caetlin's room. We still read to her in the chair, but the rocker was essential for nursing purposes with Caetlin, and Caetlin isn't exactly sitting still to be rocked these days. A stationary chair that is big enough for us to sit side by side really fits her style much better nowadays.

- We finished packing up all the stuff in Segunda's room, which had formerly been the guest bedroom/junk room. There's almost nothing in there now except baby stuff and the guest bed. Bruce heroically lugged a number of boxes of stuff down to the basement.

- We brought up a couple of plastic boxes of baby stuff. Thank goodness I have packed away Caetlin's old things in plastic instead of vermin-susceptible cardboard.

- We also brought up from the basement or down from the attic the following items:
- Bassinet
- Car seat and base
- Bumpo baby seat
- Portable swing
- Full-size swing
- Baby bjorn
- Baby sling
- Nursing pillow
- Bouncy seat
- Snap n go stroller

All of these items need their covers washed and their non-washable parts wiped down.

- We washed all covers that we could remove (the bassinet is stupid and the cover can't be removed, so we're going to try to Woolite it) and wiped down almost all the gear.

- We trekked to Babies R Us for nursery gear for Segunda. We originally agreed on a pink and brown and green set with butterflies on it, but we ended up going with a gender neutral farm animals set that was on clearance for less than half the cost. I now need to see if I can order any of the other accessories online, most specifically the adorable cow-shaped rug that goes with it.

- We set up Segunda's room in terms of placement of crib, guest bed, glider, etc. We also unwrapped the new mattress for Segunda and put it in the crib, ready to be made up with sheets, bumper, etc.

That was a lot of work! Still to do is a substantially shorter list that involves putting various covers back on various pieces of baby gear, getting the car seat installed, and shifting some baby things like receiving blankets, etc. into Segunda's room from Caetlin's. We are at a place where Bruce could conceivably take care of everything that still remains while I'm in the hospital (note to Segunda: this is NOT an invitation to make your appearance at this time Another 6.5 weeks or so, please).

Anyway, the little voice in my head, driven by hormones and my own anal nature, is much quieter now. I'm tired, but incredibly pleased at how much we got done today and how little truly remains to be done. And it being a long weekend, I don't even have to go to work tomorrow! It's win-win all over the place.

Now to settle in and watch the game. Go Steelers!

Belated: In Memoriam

Something I completely failed to write about at the time it happened this past fall needs not to go unheeded. In October, our wonderful kitty Kabuki went on to the great litter box in the sky. In retrospect, it seemed like we should have seen the signs. He wasn't sick for very long- whatever killed him, did so quickly- but in hindsight we could definitely put some of the strange behavior puzzle pieces together.

It all started, at least when we really started paying attention, when he didn't come home for a few days. And then he did, and we thought he was just having a long jaunt away. He was always more comfortable as an outside kitty, and we indulged him that here. He was a smart cat. He rarely left the yard, and he was extra cautious around cars. Of our three cats, he was the one best equipped for any outside adventures.

Not long after the three-day absence, he just didn't come home again one night. We felt sure he would turn up, as he always had, though even the three-day hiatus was extremely unusual for him. When he didn't show, we called for him, and listened for his cry, and dashed to the door whenever one of us imagined his plaintive wailing outside. He always sounded so full of ennui. Bruce always made me smile when he responded to a seemingly-despondent cat cry with, "Live, Kabuki! Live!"

About a week after he had last been seen, we had started trying to come to grips with the idea that he was probably gone, though Bruce was making a half-hearted attempt at searching local animal shelters. Then I happened to see a notice on the telephone pole immediately across the street from our house: "Found: black Persian cat. Please call" and it listed a number. Bruce called and concluded from his brief conversation with the woman on the other end that the cat in question was not Kabuki, but as the days went on with no sign, something about it didn't feel right to me. I asked him to call her again, and on the second call he elicited the relevant information.

The woman lives across the street from us, apparently. (I told you he wasn't a wanderer!) Early Sunday morning she found Kabuki lying in her driveway, clearly ill but purring when she picked him up. She tried to call emergency vets, but couldn't find any that were open, and as she held him, he had some kind of seizure or spasm and died in her arms.

We didn't reach her in time before she had disposed of his body, so we don't have 100% confirmation, but she gave enough details, particularly of his white undercoat that was so distinctive, that we are pretty sure it was him. And once we learned he had been so sick, a few other pieces fell into place. Like the times over the last few weeks that Kabuki had not eaten when food was put in front of him- very unusual. And the time we exited the front door to find a large pile of newly-regurgitated food hanging out on the front stoop. Also not like Kabuki, who (unlike Hobbes, our orange kitty with the nervous stomach) had never been a puker. And the general standoffishness he had been displaying, coupled with some unusual neediness. I know that sounds contradictory. I can't explain it any better than that.

I feel I failed him, not seeing these subtle signs of his illness for what they were. I failed him, and I let him be with a stranger at the end, not with us who cared about him so much. At least he wasn't alone. I take some small comfort in that.

It took a long time before I stopped looking for him when I drove up, or listening for him to come running when I walked up the steps to the house. And for a long time I didn't write about it because I just felt too bad about it. Not in the weeping, grieving sense, though I did mourn his loss. But just feeling bad about how he died, how we missed his sickness, how we failed him. He deserved better from us, though I don't know how we could have given it. Even in hindsight, the signs were subtle. I'm so sorry, Wookiee.

Anyway, Bruce asked me to update my year end post to make sure his passing didn't go unmarked, and I realized he needed a full post. He was a good kitty, the sweetest boy ever who would have been the perfect cat if he would just have used a litter box. He had a big head that was just right for scritching between his ears, and lovely big paws that were adorable. He was all black, but he turned rust colored as he aged. It was his way of going gray, I guess. And he had that white undercoat that made him turn mostly white when he got wet. He was always good for a really good, loud purr- he always purred loud as a kitten, and he loved to sit on Bruce's belly and be petted. He always greatly appreciated any pets anyone might give him, but he wasn't as insistent as some other cats can be. Petting him was always its own reward, because of how good it clearly made him feel. He had bad back hips for years, but he never complained.

RIP, Kabuki. I hope we meet again someday.

Reprieve, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Uncertainty

Okay, my post title lies: I can't love the uncertainty.

The meeting at which the laid off one was to officially be axed happened today. I can tell you finally that it is Bruce who is affected by this, not me. What I can't tell you, though, is anything about the details of the impending separation.

Against all odds and expectations, it appears- preliminarily- that the Hail Mary I referenced a couple of times may have worked. The office head actually appears to be interested in helping Bruce find a new department, now that his industry has collapsed, rather than just firing him.

It's not a done deal yet; they are set to meet again on Friday to confirm the details. But it looks like the firm doesn't want to lay Bruce off. Like they may be actively looking for some way to keep him employed. At the meeting today, nothing was spoken about severance, or a soft landing, or anything like that.

If I sound amazed, it is because I am. I admit, I had very little faith that the firm cared anything at all about working with Bruce. And I still don't think that the firm does care, in the sense of concern for Bruce personally, but the fact that the management has enough foresight to try to find a fit for him, rather than simply cutting the "dead wood" and moving on, is simply befuddling to me at this point. This is not how law firm management typically works. Maybe it is not just propaganda that this firm is different.

Anyway, after the weeks of buildup, I have no idea what to think about all this. I had gotten myself into certain patterns of thinking, about the ways our life was going to change, about some things we need to do to make it work, and now those patterns maybe aren't terribly relevant and there is nothing to take their place, since we don't have complete assurance that Bruce still has a job and on what terms. After weeks and weeks of stress, it almost feels like a reprieve, but I'm not sure we can go back exactly the way we were. We've been giving a lot of thought to our future, and where we want to go and what we want to do with ourselves from here, and some of the changes in our thinking will be permanent, I think.

And still hovering over us is the uncertainty. The new group could decide not to take him on, and that will leave us in the same spot. Almost certainly a pay cut is in the works (though don't think I am complaining: any lesser cut is better than the 100% pay cut he was facing). He could still be out of a job in a few months, if the new group doesn't find work or if somehow politics comes into play in a way that we can't foresee right now.

What if, what if, what if. My head is spinning and it doesn't help that I didn't sleep well last night. Bruce says he is relieved. I'm not; I'm just confused and not counting our chickens before they hatch.

I think the tentative plan, if Bruce remains employed by the firm, is to still let the nanny go and put Caetlin in day care. That is a more than $2,000 per month savings, just on child care, and we have been thinking that day care would be good for her. But it will allow us to help her land a bit more softly, give her a longer notice and a larger severance. We want to pack away the savings and hammer at Bruce's student loans, which we can pay off within a year. We could pay mine off a year after that. And we must sell the Charlotte house. Once we sell that house, we can go anywhere we want, and just about do anything we want.

We need that kind of freedom, right now.

Anyway, reprieve! Kind of.

32 Weeks

We had another ultrasound this afternoon. The good news is that the placenta has moved plenty far away from the cervix. The even better news is that Segunda appears perfectly healthy. No cleft lip, all 4 chambers of the heart showing up and beating, diaphragm, stomach and kidneys all in the correct places and appearing normal and working. We saw her practice breathing, a sign of a happy baby according to the ultrasound tech. We saw her little face, her eyes and mouth opening and closing, and according to the tech, she has hair (I couldn't see it myself). She's a little over 4 pounds, which is exactly as big as she should be for her gestational age, not that there was much question about when she was conceived.

The so-so news is that she is breech. I thought she had turned head down, and maybe she had, but she's back to head up. My little contortionist has one foot up by her head and one foot under her bottom, and is lying on her left side.

It's not a huge problem if I have to have a C-section because she's breech, but I really would prefer not to have a C-section if I can help it. I really want to try to have labor start naturally this time, instead of being induced as I was with Caetlin, and I even want to try an unmedicated delivery. I am not one of those crunchy natural birth people like Riki Lake- I want to have my baby in the hospital, and I am not opposed to medication if it turns out that I can't handle the pain, and I won't be crushed if I end up having to have a C-section. That said, I really do want to try it nature's way if I can this time. I think I would feel seriously empowered if I could have this baby without pain medication.

Anyway, the current breech baby in my ever-growing belly is not helping with that. Turn, kiddo! The OB didn't seem remotely worried about the positioning at this point, so that was comforting. She seemed to feel like we had plenty of time, she has plenty of room, and all will likely sort itself out. Fingers crossed.

And that's where we are at 32 weeks.

In unrelated-to-Segunda news, we actually rented the Charlotte house! That is hugely good news, since it helps us financially a lot. It takes a little of the pressure off the laid off one to find a new job at a certain salary right away. So, yay renter!

2008 - The Year In Review

Seeing all the best-of lists and retrospectives inspired me to make one of my year. It's not going to be pretty; it's been Not A Good Year around here. But I am compelled to make the list anyway, to reflect, see how things went wrong, and fervently hope for a better 2009.

January

We started the year off with a trip to Texas, during which I was reminded why one does not take vacations the first week of the new year. I ended up working an annoying amount during the week. I also watched Georgia be insulted by being matched up against Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl- a great bowl, lousy matchup, as Georgia mopped the floor with the Rainbow Warriors.

The end of the month found me in New York, where I helped close a deal and pitched the idea of a transfer to the firm's NYC office. The idea was met with great enthusiasm by the NY personnel, with whom I had a great relationship. There was nothing to do but wait for the transfer to be approved.


February

In early February, the firm told me It's Just Not That Into Me, as the department denied my transfer. I still don't really understand the reasoning, though I have been told several things and have my own suspicions. I took it hard, like a romantic breakup, and embarrassed myself in June when I saw my NY colleagues again, had a drink or two too many, and spent too long going on about how unfair it was.

March

We had been kicking the second baby question around for awhile, and in the wake of the disappointment from the denied transfer, we decided to go ahead and go for it. I was hoping to take a longer maternity leave this time, and with no career speedbumps in the way, now seemed as good a time as any.

April

We spent a week in the Outer Banks for the second year in a row. The house we rented was great, except for that whole porch swing incident that caused my mother-in-law's already fragile back to go out again. The weather was awful, gray and cold, but it was nice to get away. Except that I couldn't get away, and once again, ended up working on vacation. I also started actively losing weight with Weight Watchers in April, and ended up dumping 15 pounds before getting pregnant.

May

May might have been the best month of the year for us. Reading back over the blog posts, all I see are good times at the Renaissance Festival, out of town in the mountains, hiking and gardening and watching the baby grow into a little kid. We did a lot of walking for errands; it soon after that got too hot to walk around in the evenings. Bruce also had a birthday at the end of May, turning a respectable 36.

June

June found me in NY again on business (where I embarrassed myself as I mentioned above) and pregnant! Woo-hoo, El Segundo! June was also the last time I had a busy month at work.

July

July saw us at the top of the world in Alaska. We had a wonderful vacation with Caetlin, despite the distance and the time change and everything. She did great, we had a great time, my occasional morning sickness notwithstanding (it made some parts of our wildlife cruise pretty miserable), we saw some amazing things like a glacier and whales and the Arctic Ocean. We also saw my good friend Devon (now blogging here), whom I had not laid eyes on in nearly ten years. How's that for crazy? She was my best friend in college and we lost touch when she moved out west, and I Google stalked her for years before tracking her down (thank goodness her current employer posts pictures on its website!). I can't tell you how much it meant to me that we got to reunite, and it was wonderful, and her husband is great, and her baby is adorable, and she's having another baby the same time as me! She's hilarious as ever, and the main thing I hate is that she's in Alaska which is a seriously great place but much too far away for convenient visits.

August

In August, Caetlin turned the big 2, and my family made their semi-annual visit to our house. My in-laws came along as well, from Texas. There was cookie cake and burgers on the grill, and I think we all had fun.

Also, it was hot, and I had nothing to do at work.

September

In September, I turned the big 3-2, which my sister forgot for the second year in a row. We also had a scare with our first trimester screen of El Segundo, which showed a 20% chance that Segundo could have Down Syndrome. We underwent an invasive CVS, which is a procedure in which a small amount of tissue is taken from the placenta to be tested. The results showed that Segundo was normal and also that El Segundo was actually La Segunda- we are having our second girl. Bruce immediately began practicing calling his ladies to him: "Wimmenfolk! Come here!"

October

In October, I resorted to writing blog posts at work to keep myself awake, and we discovered I had a low-lying placenta after I had some second-trimester spotting. This turned out to be less serious than first imagined, and probably will clear itself up in time for a normal delivery. October was also the month that Bruce was approached about a possible position with one of our firm's Japanese clients. For awhile, it looked like a done deal; we would be moving to Tokyo. Then the economy collapsed there as well as here, and the need for people like Bruce apparently collapsed with it. It was yet another professional disappointment.

Also, Caetlin was a lion for Halloween. And the Georgia Bulldogs broke my heart, not just losing but embarrassing themselves against the Florida Gators. They would go on to match up against Michigan State in the Capital One Bowl on January 1, 2009.

November

In November Bruce and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and I actually had work to do for once! I kept myself pretty busy working and being pregnant, and November is when the Tokyo thing really fell apart. For Thanksgiving, we visited my friend Kelley in the town I grew up in, and Caetlin vomited for perhaps the second time ever. Bruce was involved in maybe the worst deal ever at work, which maybe should have been a harbinger or something. I entered the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy.

December

Well, in December, I worked my pregnant tuchus off, and we tried getting ready for Christmas. I got into a (still-running) feud with my sister and dad. I spoke about some things I've been angry about for years, and my dad's response was to be angry and deny that I have a right to feel the way I do, and my sister's response was to be hurt and deny that I have a right to feel the way I do. Also, she blamed my anger on my pregnancy, for which I may never forgive her. Now I've apparently been downgraded to a High Holy Day Relative, in which they do not contact me except on Christmas. Presumably that will also include the usual holidays- Thanksgiving, Easter. Not sure about second tier holidays like Memorial Day or July 4th. It may or may not include birthdays (see September of this year). Who knows? It's a brave new world of family relationships for me.

And finally, the crowning glory of the year- the job loss. As I mentioned before, the details are unclear. Also unclear is what the laid-off one will do instead. They are considering an industry change entirely. There is one last Hail Mary to be had at the firm, and we will be trying that next week, as well as getting the likely separation details.

And there was Christmas. I cooked, and we had a lovely quiet four days with Caetlin. This week is shaping up to be similarly quiet.

So there you have it. The 2008 year in review. It's kind of depressing, but all we can do is look to the future. We kick off 2009 with a far-too-short visit from Devon and her son, and a longer visit from Bruce's newly-retired parents. Also an ultrasound next week, and a baby girl in March. And most likely firing the nanny, starting Caetlin in day care, and a job search. More frugality, less security. The Steelers in the playoffs. A little bad, a little good. Hopefully the good will outweigh the bad this year. It's hard to see how it couldn't be an improvement on 2008.

Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!

As of yesterday afternoon, we had a mostly-undecorated Christmas tree sitting in our living room. Bruce had gone out and gotten it two weeks ago, and it's lovely, a blue spruce from North Carolina. We put lights on it fairly quickly, but have been putting off adding the other decorations. I've been working a lot, so I'm usually tired, and I had it in my head that it would be easier to decorate without Caetlin around to break stuff and generally get underfoot. When we put her to bed in the evenings or for a nap, if I didn't have to work, I wanted to just sit down. And stay seated. And then lately we haven't exactly been feeling the Christmas spirit anyway.

So the tree remained undecorated, looking a little sad in the corner of the living room as it quietly shed needles and was plugged in every so often. We even mulled some wine a few days ago, in anticipation of drinking it while decorating the tree, and the mulled wine sat in our refrigerator. It just hasn't been happening, for a variety of reasons, most of which I'm sure you can guess at fairly accurately.

Yesterday while Caetlin napped, I worked, and I managed to get all my work done for the day while she was down. I was so excited about having the evening free that I was up for it when Bruce said, "Hey, let's get the rest of the egg nog and decorate the tree with Caetlin this afternoon."

Caetlin, who is a girl after her mommy's own heart, will down a quart of (non-alcoholic, pasteurized) egg nog all by herself if we let her. We didn't have much left, but she drank her share and Mommy's share too. She's super cute when she asks for more because she pronounces egg nog very carefully: "More egggg nnoggg please." She was fascinated with a wooden Santa we have that I think ultimately didn't make it on the tree because she was playing with it. She played with the glass balls and the green and amber beads that we have, and she even put a couple on the tree with us. We have an inordinate number of birds for our tree, and she helped put a couple of those on as well.

We had Christmas carols playing on the TV, and cookies in the oven, and Bruce and I talked to Caetlin about Santa, and presents, and where our ornaments came from, and how glad we were to be decorating the tree together right then. Bruce made the comment that he had not felt like Christmas until that afternoon, and I wholeheartedly agreed with him. Maybe we weren't meant to decorate the tree sooner, because we needed a boost right then. Because we wouldn't have been able to feel that boost before Sunday afternoon, three days after finding out that one of us will be losing our job.

All I can say is that we loaded up the tree with all the cheap Target ornaments that we have, and the many that we have received from his parents, and the ones we have bought for each other. I tried to make sure the back of the tree wasn't neglected. Bruce worked to make sure Caetlin didn't break anything or get ahold of any hooks or anything that might hurt her. She was surprisingly very good about everything, and it wasn't onerous to watch her. And for a few minutes, I was able to stop worrying about our finances, about the job search for the laid off one, about the things from our lives before the job loss that I am grieving about losing. About the growing rift between myself and my family (will we ever speak again? Unclear at this point). About what we will do when Segunda comes. About work undone and finishing Christmas errands and everything else that has weighed us down for the last couple of weeks.

For a few minutes, we were able to be a family and be happy together, and our hearts were light. That might be the best Christmas present I could have received.