Unblocked

Uh, hi. Soooo...how are you? Glad to hear it. Me? I'm good, I guess. What? Oh, yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I meant to call, and then I thought you might be busy, and then I got really busy. And then I lost your number. But I meant to call! Really!

Okay, so it's been awhile. I'm not sure why. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel moved to write. And it turns out that writing is kind of like exercise- the more you do it, the more you want to do it, and the easier it is. Part of the lethargy is a result of spending so much time on Facebook, with its immediacy. Part of it is just life rolling on.

I think the main thing was that the last 5 months (eep!) have really been a trough for my family. 2009 was Annus Horribilis anyway, and this fall was really the low point. Bruce's severance ran out from the firm and while he started to have interviews, they never seemed to pan out. Caetlin started preschool in October, and as a result all of her behavioral issues seemed magnified. When the teacher meets you at the door in the morning talking about how Caetlin has a problem with listening, you feel like about the worst parent ever. You can tell yourself that she's the youngest person in the class, and that the teacher seems to have a stick up her nether regions, but when it's time for those little chats, all you hear from the teacher is, "You suck as a parent." I went back to work after maternity leave and had a hard time adjusting- the idea that going to work was somehow permanent seemed like an unbelievably heavy burden. Added to that was the fact that I had no work at all, many days billing nothing or 0.25 hours or on a good day 1.0. That's not a situation that makes one feel comfortable and secure. With Bruce being unemployed and me feeling uncertain and both of us dealing with major changes in our roles in the family, we went through a rough time together. It's just been a hard few months.

But then it all started to change. The beginning was when Bruce accepted an offer to teach at a local law school. He's going to be a law professor next year! I can't tell you how proud of him and excited for him I am. He was never happy in his profession, openly admitting that he did it for the money and security; this offers him a chance to really change gears. I think he's going to be a great teacher, and I envy the flexibility, the ability to do the research that he'll be able to do, the chance to study for a living, essentially, that the job brings with it. It's quite a step down financially, but it is higher pay than I expected, and we certainly will not starve, especially since my job seems a bit more secure at this point.

However, in the "When it rains, it pours" category, Bruce has also applied for and been accepted into the Foreign Service. While he still has to pass his medical and security clearances, and has to wait until they call him for a post, which would probably be at the end of this year at the earliest, it's a huge success to have made it this far into the process. If and when they call him, he and we will have a decision to make. Should he stay with his teaching career or embark on a completely new and different career as a diplomat?

The other comforting news is that we're planning to put our house in Charlotte on the market next month, at a price to make it move quickly. We are both ready to rid ourselves of the albatross that is that house. While it's been rented until this month, and that has defrayed the carrying costs, the time when the tenant was going to move out loomed large over us. Rather than trying to rent it again, we're ready to just sell it and move on, unencumbered. When it's sold, it won't matter what Bruce's salary at the law school is; we'll do fine on just my income, and his is just gravy- or more accurately, savings.

My job seems pretty secure at this point, at least as long as the firm remains committed to a real estate department here. We had an associate leave to go in-house at the end of the year, and that takes our numbers down to critical levels. We only have 3 associates to 2 partners; two big deals staff us up completely. So unless they plan to eliminate my department (and they have repeatedly indicated that they actually want to GROW my department), I think my job is safe for now. That's comforting, though of course I don't take that for granted. Stranger things can and have happened, and the upper workings of the firm are as mysterious to me as particle physics.

I've taken my health in hand and joined a boot camp at the beginning of December. You can see the program here. It's pretty intense and I'm pretty out of shape, but after two months, I can see real improvements, in my wind, my strength, and my body. I've lost inches off my waist, my tummy is starting to flatten back out, and most entertaining of all, I've got guns! I saw almost immediate definition in my biceps and shoulders. It's hilarious and encouraging. Most of all, it's something I feel like I can stick with. And, inspired by my rapid improvements, I had a few moments of temporary insanity a few weeks ago and signed up for a triathlon in late June. 600M swim, 14.2 mile bike, 5K run. Seriously crazy, but a fabulous and motivating goal to have. I've always wanted to be a triathlete (as opposed to doing a triathlon), but, alas, the only way to be a triathlete is to do the work. I'm at a place now where doing the work doesn't seem so incredibly impossible.

The other thing is that I joined a choir at church, here. I have always loved to sing, but have never had any training and the last time I sang with a group was 4th grade chorus (5th grade, as I recall, was the year they split us into advanced and not-advanced chorus, and when I didn't make the advanced chorus, I dropped out). Anyway, it's a wonderful group of seriously talented people, and I'm being a complete poser by joining them every week. So far they haven't caught on that I don't belong with them, so I'll keep going as long as they'll let me. I have so much fun being with a performing group again, and being a musician again (though in my case, I use that term somewhat more loosely than as it pertains to everyone else) is so uplifting for me. I missed making music (I was a band nerd for many years in high school but mostly put it down after that- I wanted to define myself as something else, and that has been a big regret of mine, that I didn't somehow continue to play even if I didn't throw myself into it completely), and to make music with a different instrument, my voice, brings so much joy to my life. I've also started singing lessons too, to learn some technique, so one day maybe I'll be worthy of my choir-mates.

The girls are great, growing as ever. Phoebe is nearly a year old- she turns a year in 5 weeks. How is that possible? She's showing no signs of being interested in walking, but knowing her personality, I have no doubt that as soon as she decides to walk, she'll be doing it within a few days. She is the most determined baby I have ever seen. When she wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. Where Caetlin was and is easygoing and pliable, Phoebe is decidedly carving her own path. Because my own passivity, reflected in Caetlin, is something that I really dislike about myself (and by extension, about my daughter, I'm sorry to say), I'm delighted to see Phoebe's drive and determination. It makes her a challenge to care for, though, as she will inevitably beeline straight for the most choking hazard/nasty thing/dangerous thing in any room and immediately put it in her mouth. And she's fast! She's hard to keep up with as a crawler. She's got one word, cat. She says other things that we think might be words, but it's so hard to tell right now. I really look forward to her talking more, though.

Caetlin is also doing really well. We had kind of a rough start to 3- it was like the minute she turned 3, she went from being my sweet girl to this cranky, whiny, testing child that I didn't know- and really didn't like very much. I understood that it is totally developmentally normal, but holy cow was it a challenge! She seems to have mostly come through to the other side by now, though. And while we still have our tough days and tough afternoons and tough moments, she seems to have emerged as a fun and funny kid who is eager to please. She started preschool, as I mentioned, and that seems to be going much better lately too. She's deep into a princess/ballerina phase, and is the most girly-girl ever. I bought her one of these more or less on a whim, and we can barely pry her out of it. We've ended up buying her 3 of them, because she's going to wear it out soon and we better have replacements before Old Navy stops carrying them.

So, that's basically what's happened since Caetlin's birthday. It's only been five months, but somehow it feels like it went by in an eyeblink, and also that it was a long time ago. It's hard to remember when being back at work felt strange, when it was hot outside, before the rains came, before the snow and ice came, before the holidays were behind us. Before Halloween was distant on the horizon and everything was all "Back to School." So much has happened in 5 months and yet things have been strangely static. I feel like things have been moving in slow motion, and suddenly they have started back at normal speed lately.

There have been other things too, of course, but these were the highlights. I'll try to fill in more details in the future, of things like Christmas, and Caetlin giving up her pacifier, and the issues I have with Caetlin's preschool director, and the amusing things Phoebe does every day, and the Sunday School class I teach. I also am committed to posting again regularly. Like music, this has been missing from my life for too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and stories here, complaining and commenting and basically dumping my head onto the screen. It's the cheapest therapy around, and I miss sharing some of the details of my life with my friends and family, in more depth than I can accomplish through Facebook status updates. Basically, I'm unblocked, and ready to roll through 2010.

Yeah, It's Been Awhile

Life on maternity leave tends to kind of smooth out the edges of things. Days flow into each other, the weekdays versus the weekends stop having any particular meaning, and I only remembered what day of the week it was by what was on TV that particular night (made more difficult by the end of the regular TV programming). There was me, and Phoebe, and a steady stream of lunch dates with girlfriends, trips to the gym and the mall, and diapers and nursing and spit up and crying and napping. My left bicep is extremely buff from hauling her around in her carrier. Really, for awhile, that was the most notable thing going on. So it's been awhile since I've posted.

Yet time and life both march on, and Stuff has Happened around here that finally moved me to write.

First there was Memorial Day weekend, which started, memorably enough, with Bruce being laid off. Happy three day weekend!

Seriously, if you've been reading here for any length of time, you know we knew it was coming. All options have been exhausted, and there really is just no room for him. He is a man without a department, with a specialty that no one else in the firm does (any more), and almost non-existent billable hours for the year. It made zero economic sense to keep him, and the firm is a business. It really was no surprise. The separation details are pretty generous, though we will have to address circumstances with our nanny (more on that in a bit).

Saturday we took Caetlin to the Y, where we have recently become members. We have found that having kids makes a Y membership entirely more appealing, as they offer a ton of programs for the kid, plus babysitting that Phoebe is now old enough to start using as well as Caetlin. Also, the Buckhead Y has a kick-ass outdoor pool. We haven't been there yet, since we regularly go to the Ashford-Dunwoody Y, but I foresee some summertime fun there. Caetlin loves going to the babysitting there; she "has a good time with teachers and plays with new toys" as she puts it. (The having a good time with teachers part comes from us, to remind her how much she tends to like day care teachers.) She apparently tells the teachers how "Mommy and Daddy be riiiiight back." I'm glad to know she's confident in that fact.

After the Y was the park, since it wasn't raining yet, and then home for lunch and nap. Then a trip to an indoor playground for a very short visit and then to the mall for a "smoovie." Caetlin is a smoothie addict and then some, and often we need to get her the 20 ounce size, rather than the 12 ounce kids' size. Because otherwise she ends up drinking mine, and I don't like to share.

Anyway, it was a good day, the news from the day before notwithstanding. We've both been pretty calm regarding the layoff, mostly I think because we've been expecting it for so long. When the meeting was set earlier in the week, I kind of had a freaking out, hyperventilating "OMG OMG What are we gonna do???" kind of evening, but I was over it by the next day. There are some really good things coming out of it, I think, and frankly, it was time for that shoe to drop so we could deal with the reality rather than worrying about it.

Sunday, we set off for a new indoor playground, where we were meeting two ladies I work with and their respective children, plus a niece who was visiting. We broke out like this: one colleague and her husband brought their 6 year old daughter and their 3 year old son; one colleague brought her 8 month old daughter and 7 year old niece; and we had Phoebe and Caetlin. So everyone had someone to play with, and the babies sort of lumped together (kidding, actually, as the 8 month old had a good time in the crawlers area). We chatted and followed the kids around; we snacked on goldfish and pretzels and juice and water; and we discussed the relative bravery and/or gross motor development of each of the walking kids. Afterward we adjoined to Five Guys for burgers and fries, and watched the kids running around the plaza outside the restaurant. Spencer (the 3 year old) and Caetlin were super fast friends, clamoring to sit next to each other at lunch and hugging goodbye (seriously, is anything cuter than toddlers hugging? I think not). We all had such a great time that we decided to get together for bowling the next day.

I had a small misadventure, though, prior to all this idyll. We left without me getting any breakfast, in order to be on time. We had time to pull into a McDonald's, which we passed on the way, and waited behind a man in line who may never have encountered this weird thing called the McDonald's breakfast menu before. Or perhaps had never been in a drive-through before. Either way, there was dialogue between him and the drive-through worker. Impatient, I told Bruce to drive around and I would go in, figuring the line inside would be shorter as it often is. I walked into a madhouse. Let's say the line was not shorter inside, and when I walked out, the drive-through line had backed up too. Frustrated, pissed off at myself for having made a bad call, I got back in and told Bruce to drive on, since we were going to be late.

We drove to the place, and no one was there yet, so we decided to do our best to find a breakfast place (too bad we didn't see the Starbucks across the street until we went to that complex for lunch). After driving for a couple minutes, we found an Atlanta Bread Company, where we were headed until I saw the Burger King. BK will be faster, I reasoned. We got my food, Bruce got his large coffee, and we were on our way again, Caetlin and I happily sharing hash browns (actually, she got her own small order; remember what I said about not liking to share?). To get back the way we needed to be going, as we really were running late by now, Bruce had to make an illegal left turn. In so doing, and in swinging sharply around the median that tried to force us right, his too-tall-for-the-cupholder coffee overturned and spilled. All over the diaper bag. All over a lot of the junk on the floor of the car. All over me.

I started screaming and trying to hold my jeans leg away from my skin. That coffee was hot. As in scorching hot. As in heated by the interior of the sun hot. As in lawsuit hot.

Bruce pulled over as I sobbed my pain and unhappiness over being soaked in coffee. By the time he stopped the car and I hopped out, my jeans had cooled enough that I didn't need to strip down to my underwear on the side of the road. We moved on to the play place, me smelling like coffee. I headed for the bathroom to soak some of it out, but I smelled like everyone's favorite breakfast beverage all freaking day. My leg was slightly singed, on the order of a very slight sunburn, and it cleared up by the next day. (One of the moms was pretty late to the playground and when I told her that story, she was all, "You win. Your morning has been worse than mine.")

Anyway, we all met up again for bowling, and the kids had another awesome time. Caetlin and Spencer pushed their balls off one of those racks for kids (I had never seen them before and they are great!) and we all were grateful for the bumpers. When C and Spence got tired of bowling they ran around and around and around. Fortunately, early on Memorial Day, the alley was reasonably empty so they didn't annoy anyone. Anyone not related to them, anyway.

Afterward we all went to Willy's for burritos and quesadillas. We were a small pocket of chaos in the back of the restaurant, as we took over two booths plus all the surrounding area. The kids hugged goodbye again, and I heard from Spencer's mom that he told her his favorite part of the weekend was "playing with [his] new friend Caetlin!" Your heart could just melt.

This week was pretty quiet, but we did reach a milestone: we cleaned both cars out entirely and had them super-duper-detailed. The coffee incident caused an irritant that had only been slightly itching me to flare into a full-blown rash of need for clean vehicles. It took us several hours to clear all the junk and trash from the cars, and it took the detail folks several hours to clean them. They remain clean today, and I am determined to keep them that way.

I had a really great and interesting work conference this past weekend, and we've had many discussions about what to do regarding the nanny, but that will all have to wait, since I'm tired and need to pump (ugh) and sleep now. More later.

News and Notes

A scattering of random facts and anecdotes from the No Math house:

- My thrush appears to have cleared up, thank goodness. I'm still on medication for it, as is Phoebe, but it's kind of how you take antibiotics long after you stop being sick- it's still working even though the symptoms are all gone. And frankly the symptoms were what I really cared about. That shit hurt. NOT recommended.

- Phoebe turns two whole months old tomorrow. How is that possible?? And she's started outgrowing some of her 0-3 month clothes. Scary. She otherwise remains the smiling-est baby on the planet. I will have to try to take some pictures so you can see the gorgeousness that is her smile. She's also sleeping really well at night. Last night she slept for 5 hours, had a feeding, and then slept another 5 hours. We're starting to lose that haggard look that comes from too many interruptions in sleep for too many nights in a row.

-We all seem to be healthy around here for right now; everyone please say a little prayer that we can stay that way for awhile. I love all my care providers, but I am really ready to not see the inside of a hospital for as long as possible.

- Caetlin has decided that she loves pretty dresses, and it's been mostly warm enough to let her wear them. It is with some small embarrassment that I admit that I think she has basically every style of dress that my local Target sells for toddlers. What?? I'm trying to make sure she has enough to rotate through the week. Really! Anyway, it's awesome to see her twirl around in front of the full-length mirror in our bedroom. She looks at herself, dances around a bit, looks at herself again, and tells me, "It's a pretty dress, Mommy!" I love making her that happy with something so simple as a dress.

- Caetlin has also exploded musically lately, and will often sing herself to sleep. Favorites include "Itsy Bitsy Spider," and "Pop Goes the Weasel" (which is "Hop Goes the Weasel" if she's not paying attention), "London Bridge is Falling Down", "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean" and the always-popular ABCs song. It also leads to some interesting displays of personality. Her nanny told us about one day last week when Caetlin was singing Itsy Bitsy Spider and her ABCs at the park, and getting all the "Awww"s and smiles from the assembled grownups. Her little friend Mary, who turned three in January, chimed in as well, and started getting her share of attention. Caetlin apparently decided she was not going to be shown up, and launched into an operatic "Baa Baa, Black Sheep," which Mary didn't know. Caetlin's nanny said Caetlin was clearly all, "Top that, amateur."

- We have started a hard core push on potty training. She's pretty good on pee, though we have to make her go when she's in the middle of something. The poop, however, is a different story. She has pooped in the potty in the past, but for whatever reason, refuses to try these days. We'll be putting her in underwear soon, so she can feel the mess she's making when she goes in her pants, pee or poop. It's going to be a long summer, I think, filled with bodily fluids. Y-A-Y.

- Speaking of summer, we joined the Atlanta Metro YMCA this week, and got Caetlin signed up for parent-tot swim classes that start at the end of this month. I am hoping to spend a few days at the beach with the girls this summer, and I want Caetlin to be at least comfortable if her head should go under or something like that. Plus as much as she loves the water, she needs to learn how to swim, pronto. I'm excited about taking her to the classes; I think it will be fun time for us together.

- Bruce and I both took advantage of the wellness programs at the Y as well, starting a 6-month series with a wellness coordinator who set us up on the weight machines and showed us how to use the FitLinxx system. I walked on the treadmill for the first time today. It's Day 1 in my quest to lose weight, firm up, and make my heart healthier. My diet is better than it has been in a long time, and I feel like it's a diet I can maintain, so the next thing is to add in the exercise while I have the time to get hooked on it. Wish me luck.

- On the work front, Tokyo appears to be officially dead, so that's a decision we at least don't have to face. We have informed the nanny that Bruce could be laid off at any time, and things don't look great for him, and she should probably search for another job, given the economic climate. I think she doesn't want to hear it, and has stuck her head in the sand and refused to look for anything else, but that is not a decision we can make for her. I think we have acted in good conscience in this situation. We have given her all the information we can, and she can choose to act- or not- on that info.

- Completely as a lark, Bruce and I have both registered for the Foreign Service Officer Test to be given in June. It's a lark because the odds of either of us becoming foreign service officers are pretty small, and the process takes a really long time, at least a year. I'm actually enjoying the process of studying for it- test taking is something that I am good at, and I'm enjoying feeling mental muscles stretching out that I haven't used in awhile. It would be a huge deal if one or both of us made it, but I'm not even thinking that way at this point. It's much more about the fun of taking the test and seeing how I do. I've needed an intellectual goal for awhile now, since I'm on leave now and before I left work there wasn't much for me to do anyway.

- Finally, Caetlin was super adorable when she came in from the park this afternoon. I had just finished feeding Phoebe, who was asleep in my arms in the same position she had nursed in. Caetlin picked up Cheer Bear (I think I have written about Cheer Bear before, how she's completely annoying but Caetlin loves her so I love her) and said, "I'm feeding Cheer Bear, Mommy," and held the little pink bear's face to her chest. She sat like that as long as Phoebe stayed in my arms in that position, occasionally telling me how she was feeding Cheer Bear. It was adorable to watch her "nurse" her bear.

So, that's about all there is from here. Life rolls on, more or less uneventfully these days. We like uneventful. Uneventful is good.

Getting Back to Normal

Morning smiles:



Caetlin offers a good morning kiss:



These days it's really hard to get good pictures of the two of them because Phoebe is so stationary and Caetlin is so...not.

My Girls

As I mentioned over on Facebook, this is the best picture I have managed to take of my girls. It kind of captures their relationship at this point pretty well, I think. Caetlin is enthusiastic about Phoebe...maybe a little too enthusiastic for Phoebe's taste. The visible hand holding Phoebe's head is just a nice touch.