I sang my first solo at church tonight with the choir. It went okay; I was generally on beat and on pitch, though there were a couple croaky notes and the musicality left a lot to be desired. There is definitely room for improvement, but it wasn't a disaster. Not as good as I hoped but better than I feared, so I suppose that's something.
I sang it for Caetlin, though she wasn't even there. Not because she particularly likes my singing (I suspect she does, but she's in a controlling phase right now and always orders me to stop singing unless she has specifically requested something). Not because it was a song I thought she might like, especially.
A recent Facebook status update of mine went like this: "Patricia is always sad and disappointed to see the things I like least about myself reflected in my children." My least favorite characteristic of mine, the part of myself that I most actively dislike and am dismayed by more or less on a daily basis, is my fear of not being perfect. I'm not talking about OCD-style perfectionism, but more like I'm afraid to screw up. I don't want to look stupid. It's maybe my biggest fear, and it is pathological. I don't want to appear lacking in any way, whether to friends, family or complete strangers.
Let me give you an example from when I was a kid. I started playing the trumpet when I was 12, in 6th grade. I had remembered my sister practicing her flute in her room when I was younger and she was in high school; I had this fantasy that I would do the same with my trumpet. Not long after I began learning, I was practicing one evening and hit a bum note, and my dad said something from the other room about me "hitting a raw one" or something equally innocuous about my wrong note. For the first time, it dawned on me- my family could hear me! In the small home in which I grew up, it would have been impossible not to, but for whatever reason, it had never crossed my mind to think they could. And they could hear me make mistakes!
I almost never practiced at home after that. For a long time I blamed my dad, for commenting about my screw-up, or for making me self-conscious. But the real problem was not his comment; it was me. My home was where the people who loved me best lived; if anyone was going to tolerate bum notes, it would be them. This went deeper than one offhand teasing comment by my dad.
If I could have ever found a place where no one could hear me, I would have practiced. I grew up in the middle of nowhere, on the outskirts of the back 40, and I couldn't get comfortable practicing even in the middle of the woods that surrounded my little neighborhood. Because someone might hear me make a mistake. I wish I could have gotten over it. It weakened me as a musician, this failure to practice at home. I look back now and realize that I squandered some real talent. I would never have been a professional; I never wanted to be. But I performed at a truly high level, particularly for a high school student, on the basis only of whatever class time and after school rehearsals I might have had. My band program was of high quality, so that meant probably 8 or 9 hours a week, but still. Nothing on weekends unless there was a performance. Nothing over the summer.
It haunts me. I could have been so much better even than I was. My senior year I lost my first chair (yes, I was first freaking chair and I never practiced) to a kid who wanted it so bad. He was so good, and he clearly put a lot of time into his music. Then I lost second chair to another kid, and then I lost third chair because I didn't care at all. I didn't practice my scales for the challenges, see, so it almost wasn't even worth showing up to them. In one case I didn't.
The main criticism of me was always, play out. More volume. I was afraid to let anyone hear me. I was afraid to fail, to sound anything less than perfect.
A more recent example is that I am afraid to live in country where I don't speak the language. I'm afraid to sound dumb. Not just by not knowing the vocabulary, but even by getting the accent wrong. I realize how ridiculous this is by seeing my own behavior with a non-native English speaker- do I laugh when they struggle for a word or don't get the grammar quite right? Nope, of course not. But the fear is petrifying. And I hate it in myself.
You can imagine how dismayed I was when I realized I was seeing some of the same things in Caetlin. She may not have that fear to the same degree I do, but I see it in her. She won't try to do things I know she can, preferring to say, "I can't do it." She won't guess at questions- if she doesn't absolutely know the answer, she'll say, "I don't know." Even when she does know, and I know she knows. She just doesn't want to be wrong, I think.
This makes me so incredibly sad. Of everything that is who I am, I wish I could have not passed that part on to her. I hope I didn't pass it on to Phoebe, and I pray I will not pass it to any future children I may be blessed with. Because if Caetlin is anything like me, she will live parts of her life in paralyzing fear. She will miss out on opportunities to have fun, to improve herself, and to experience wonderful things because of this trait, this issue, this shackle that weighs me down.
I can't let that happen to her, not if I can help it. I realized recently that I have the chance to try to combat it now, while she's young, and that I must do everything I can to counteract this in her. So I try to push her, gently, to try new things, or to answer questions of which she is unsure. I hope her teachers at school do the same. I try to make home a welcoming environment, making it explicit that she can screw up without fear of failure or judgment. She's too young to get all this, of course, but I hope it will sink in over repeated interactions.
But one other thing I must do is model for her the behavior I want to encourage. And that means facing my fears and doing things that scare the shit out of me. And making myself do them even when my whole being is screaming to stop, I'm going to look like a fool, everyone will laugh at me or worse they will just smile and say nice things to my face and then behind my back will talk about how terrible I was (something I'm working to convince myself my choir-mates aren't doing even as I type this...).
So, tonight I sang mediocrely in front of my church congregation. I could have asked the women to sing my part, or asked someone else to take the solo. The pianist could have sung it beautifully on no preparation whatsoever, and knowing that I have those kinds of alternatives makes it easy for me to consider running away again. But I did it. I did it for my daughter. In doing it for her, I ended up doing it for myself far more than I could have ever imagined. My choir-mates (whom I respect so tremendously and I'd hate for them to think I'm not a good musician, oh, God, they all think I suck now) all said nice things because they knew how ridiculously nervous I was. I pooh-poohed them a little, because it really objectively wasn't that awesome, but a part of me didn't want to soft pedal the praise at all, because it is such a HUGE deal that I did it at all. My choir-mates don't know me well enough to know that, so it would have come out wrong.
But I did it. Croaky, trembling, shaking almost uncontrollably. I sang into a microphone in front of a few hundred people, and if I looked stupid, or sounded terrible, well, that matters less than that I did it at all. I did it for Caetlin. Maybe, in trying to be a good role model for her, I can make the tiniest of starts on fixing the thing I like least about myself. Maybe we can help each other that way.
Showing posts with label Choir. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Choir. Show all posts
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Unblocked
Uh, hi. Soooo...how are you? Glad to hear it. Me? I'm good, I guess. What? Oh, yeah, I'm really sorry about that. I meant to call, and then I thought you might be busy, and then I got really busy. And then I lost your number. But I meant to call! Really!
Okay, so it's been awhile. I'm not sure why. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel moved to write. And it turns out that writing is kind of like exercise- the more you do it, the more you want to do it, and the easier it is. Part of the lethargy is a result of spending so much time on Facebook, with its immediacy. Part of it is just life rolling on.
I think the main thing was that the last 5 months (eep!) have really been a trough for my family. 2009 was Annus Horribilis anyway, and this fall was really the low point. Bruce's severance ran out from the firm and while he started to have interviews, they never seemed to pan out. Caetlin started preschool in October, and as a result all of her behavioral issues seemed magnified. When the teacher meets you at the door in the morning talking about how Caetlin has a problem with listening, you feel like about the worst parent ever. You can tell yourself that she's the youngest person in the class, and that the teacher seems to have a stick up her nether regions, but when it's time for those little chats, all you hear from the teacher is, "You suck as a parent." I went back to work after maternity leave and had a hard time adjusting- the idea that going to work was somehow permanent seemed like an unbelievably heavy burden. Added to that was the fact that I had no work at all, many days billing nothing or 0.25 hours or on a good day 1.0. That's not a situation that makes one feel comfortable and secure. With Bruce being unemployed and me feeling uncertain and both of us dealing with major changes in our roles in the family, we went through a rough time together. It's just been a hard few months.
But then it all started to change. The beginning was when Bruce accepted an offer to teach at a local law school. He's going to be a law professor next year! I can't tell you how proud of him and excited for him I am. He was never happy in his profession, openly admitting that he did it for the money and security; this offers him a chance to really change gears. I think he's going to be a great teacher, and I envy the flexibility, the ability to do the research that he'll be able to do, the chance to study for a living, essentially, that the job brings with it. It's quite a step down financially, but it is higher pay than I expected, and we certainly will not starve, especially since my job seems a bit more secure at this point.
However, in the "When it rains, it pours" category, Bruce has also applied for and been accepted into the Foreign Service. While he still has to pass his medical and security clearances, and has to wait until they call him for a post, which would probably be at the end of this year at the earliest, it's a huge success to have made it this far into the process. If and when they call him, he and we will have a decision to make. Should he stay with his teaching career or embark on a completely new and different career as a diplomat?
The other comforting news is that we're planning to put our house in Charlotte on the market next month, at a price to make it move quickly. We are both ready to rid ourselves of the albatross that is that house. While it's been rented until this month, and that has defrayed the carrying costs, the time when the tenant was going to move out loomed large over us. Rather than trying to rent it again, we're ready to just sell it and move on, unencumbered. When it's sold, it won't matter what Bruce's salary at the law school is; we'll do fine on just my income, and his is just gravy- or more accurately, savings.
My job seems pretty secure at this point, at least as long as the firm remains committed to a real estate department here. We had an associate leave to go in-house at the end of the year, and that takes our numbers down to critical levels. We only have 3 associates to 2 partners; two big deals staff us up completely. So unless they plan to eliminate my department (and they have repeatedly indicated that they actually want to GROW my department), I think my job is safe for now. That's comforting, though of course I don't take that for granted. Stranger things can and have happened, and the upper workings of the firm are as mysterious to me as particle physics.
I've taken my health in hand and joined a boot camp at the beginning of December. You can see the program here. It's pretty intense and I'm pretty out of shape, but after two months, I can see real improvements, in my wind, my strength, and my body. I've lost inches off my waist, my tummy is starting to flatten back out, and most entertaining of all, I've got guns! I saw almost immediate definition in my biceps and shoulders. It's hilarious and encouraging. Most of all, it's something I feel like I can stick with. And, inspired by my rapid improvements, I had a few moments of temporary insanity a few weeks ago and signed up for a triathlon in late June. 600M swim, 14.2 mile bike, 5K run. Seriously crazy, but a fabulous and motivating goal to have. I've always wanted to be a triathlete (as opposed to doing a triathlon), but, alas, the only way to be a triathlete is to do the work. I'm at a place now where doing the work doesn't seem so incredibly impossible.
The other thing is that I joined a choir at church, here. I have always loved to sing, but have never had any training and the last time I sang with a group was 4th grade chorus (5th grade, as I recall, was the year they split us into advanced and not-advanced chorus, and when I didn't make the advanced chorus, I dropped out). Anyway, it's a wonderful group of seriously talented people, and I'm being a complete poser by joining them every week. So far they haven't caught on that I don't belong with them, so I'll keep going as long as they'll let me. I have so much fun being with a performing group again, and being a musician again (though in my case, I use that term somewhat more loosely than as it pertains to everyone else) is so uplifting for me. I missed making music (I was a band nerd for many years in high school but mostly put it down after that- I wanted to define myself as something else, and that has been a big regret of mine, that I didn't somehow continue to play even if I didn't throw myself into it completely), and to make music with a different instrument, my voice, brings so much joy to my life. I've also started singing lessons too, to learn some technique, so one day maybe I'll be worthy of my choir-mates.
The girls are great, growing as ever. Phoebe is nearly a year old- she turns a year in 5 weeks. How is that possible? She's showing no signs of being interested in walking, but knowing her personality, I have no doubt that as soon as she decides to walk, she'll be doing it within a few days. She is the most determined baby I have ever seen. When she wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. Where Caetlin was and is easygoing and pliable, Phoebe is decidedly carving her own path. Because my own passivity, reflected in Caetlin, is something that I really dislike about myself (and by extension, about my daughter, I'm sorry to say), I'm delighted to see Phoebe's drive and determination. It makes her a challenge to care for, though, as she will inevitably beeline straight for the most choking hazard/nasty thing/dangerous thing in any room and immediately put it in her mouth. And she's fast! She's hard to keep up with as a crawler. She's got one word, cat. She says other things that we think might be words, but it's so hard to tell right now. I really look forward to her talking more, though.
Caetlin is also doing really well. We had kind of a rough start to 3- it was like the minute she turned 3, she went from being my sweet girl to this cranky, whiny, testing child that I didn't know- and really didn't like very much. I understood that it is totally developmentally normal, but holy cow was it a challenge! She seems to have mostly come through to the other side by now, though. And while we still have our tough days and tough afternoons and tough moments, she seems to have emerged as a fun and funny kid who is eager to please. She started preschool, as I mentioned, and that seems to be going much better lately too. She's deep into a princess/ballerina phase, and is the most girly-girl ever. I bought her one of these more or less on a whim, and we can barely pry her out of it. We've ended up buying her 3 of them, because she's going to wear it out soon and we better have replacements before Old Navy stops carrying them.
So, that's basically what's happened since Caetlin's birthday. It's only been five months, but somehow it feels like it went by in an eyeblink, and also that it was a long time ago. It's hard to remember when being back at work felt strange, when it was hot outside, before the rains came, before the snow and ice came, before the holidays were behind us. Before Halloween was distant on the horizon and everything was all "Back to School." So much has happened in 5 months and yet things have been strangely static. I feel like things have been moving in slow motion, and suddenly they have started back at normal speed lately.
There have been other things too, of course, but these were the highlights. I'll try to fill in more details in the future, of things like Christmas, and Caetlin giving up her pacifier, and the issues I have with Caetlin's preschool director, and the amusing things Phoebe does every day, and the Sunday School class I teach. I also am committed to posting again regularly. Like music, this has been missing from my life for too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and stories here, complaining and commenting and basically dumping my head onto the screen. It's the cheapest therapy around, and I miss sharing some of the details of my life with my friends and family, in more depth than I can accomplish through Facebook status updates. Basically, I'm unblocked, and ready to roll through 2010.
Okay, so it's been awhile. I'm not sure why. For whatever reason, I just didn't feel moved to write. And it turns out that writing is kind of like exercise- the more you do it, the more you want to do it, and the easier it is. Part of the lethargy is a result of spending so much time on Facebook, with its immediacy. Part of it is just life rolling on.
I think the main thing was that the last 5 months (eep!) have really been a trough for my family. 2009 was Annus Horribilis anyway, and this fall was really the low point. Bruce's severance ran out from the firm and while he started to have interviews, they never seemed to pan out. Caetlin started preschool in October, and as a result all of her behavioral issues seemed magnified. When the teacher meets you at the door in the morning talking about how Caetlin has a problem with listening, you feel like about the worst parent ever. You can tell yourself that she's the youngest person in the class, and that the teacher seems to have a stick up her nether regions, but when it's time for those little chats, all you hear from the teacher is, "You suck as a parent." I went back to work after maternity leave and had a hard time adjusting- the idea that going to work was somehow permanent seemed like an unbelievably heavy burden. Added to that was the fact that I had no work at all, many days billing nothing or 0.25 hours or on a good day 1.0. That's not a situation that makes one feel comfortable and secure. With Bruce being unemployed and me feeling uncertain and both of us dealing with major changes in our roles in the family, we went through a rough time together. It's just been a hard few months.
But then it all started to change. The beginning was when Bruce accepted an offer to teach at a local law school. He's going to be a law professor next year! I can't tell you how proud of him and excited for him I am. He was never happy in his profession, openly admitting that he did it for the money and security; this offers him a chance to really change gears. I think he's going to be a great teacher, and I envy the flexibility, the ability to do the research that he'll be able to do, the chance to study for a living, essentially, that the job brings with it. It's quite a step down financially, but it is higher pay than I expected, and we certainly will not starve, especially since my job seems a bit more secure at this point.
However, in the "When it rains, it pours" category, Bruce has also applied for and been accepted into the Foreign Service. While he still has to pass his medical and security clearances, and has to wait until they call him for a post, which would probably be at the end of this year at the earliest, it's a huge success to have made it this far into the process. If and when they call him, he and we will have a decision to make. Should he stay with his teaching career or embark on a completely new and different career as a diplomat?
The other comforting news is that we're planning to put our house in Charlotte on the market next month, at a price to make it move quickly. We are both ready to rid ourselves of the albatross that is that house. While it's been rented until this month, and that has defrayed the carrying costs, the time when the tenant was going to move out loomed large over us. Rather than trying to rent it again, we're ready to just sell it and move on, unencumbered. When it's sold, it won't matter what Bruce's salary at the law school is; we'll do fine on just my income, and his is just gravy- or more accurately, savings.
My job seems pretty secure at this point, at least as long as the firm remains committed to a real estate department here. We had an associate leave to go in-house at the end of the year, and that takes our numbers down to critical levels. We only have 3 associates to 2 partners; two big deals staff us up completely. So unless they plan to eliminate my department (and they have repeatedly indicated that they actually want to GROW my department), I think my job is safe for now. That's comforting, though of course I don't take that for granted. Stranger things can and have happened, and the upper workings of the firm are as mysterious to me as particle physics.
I've taken my health in hand and joined a boot camp at the beginning of December. You can see the program here. It's pretty intense and I'm pretty out of shape, but after two months, I can see real improvements, in my wind, my strength, and my body. I've lost inches off my waist, my tummy is starting to flatten back out, and most entertaining of all, I've got guns! I saw almost immediate definition in my biceps and shoulders. It's hilarious and encouraging. Most of all, it's something I feel like I can stick with. And, inspired by my rapid improvements, I had a few moments of temporary insanity a few weeks ago and signed up for a triathlon in late June. 600M swim, 14.2 mile bike, 5K run. Seriously crazy, but a fabulous and motivating goal to have. I've always wanted to be a triathlete (as opposed to doing a triathlon), but, alas, the only way to be a triathlete is to do the work. I'm at a place now where doing the work doesn't seem so incredibly impossible.
The other thing is that I joined a choir at church, here. I have always loved to sing, but have never had any training and the last time I sang with a group was 4th grade chorus (5th grade, as I recall, was the year they split us into advanced and not-advanced chorus, and when I didn't make the advanced chorus, I dropped out). Anyway, it's a wonderful group of seriously talented people, and I'm being a complete poser by joining them every week. So far they haven't caught on that I don't belong with them, so I'll keep going as long as they'll let me. I have so much fun being with a performing group again, and being a musician again (though in my case, I use that term somewhat more loosely than as it pertains to everyone else) is so uplifting for me. I missed making music (I was a band nerd for many years in high school but mostly put it down after that- I wanted to define myself as something else, and that has been a big regret of mine, that I didn't somehow continue to play even if I didn't throw myself into it completely), and to make music with a different instrument, my voice, brings so much joy to my life. I've also started singing lessons too, to learn some technique, so one day maybe I'll be worthy of my choir-mates.
The girls are great, growing as ever. Phoebe is nearly a year old- she turns a year in 5 weeks. How is that possible? She's showing no signs of being interested in walking, but knowing her personality, I have no doubt that as soon as she decides to walk, she'll be doing it within a few days. She is the most determined baby I have ever seen. When she wants something, she will stop at nothing to get it. Where Caetlin was and is easygoing and pliable, Phoebe is decidedly carving her own path. Because my own passivity, reflected in Caetlin, is something that I really dislike about myself (and by extension, about my daughter, I'm sorry to say), I'm delighted to see Phoebe's drive and determination. It makes her a challenge to care for, though, as she will inevitably beeline straight for the most choking hazard/nasty thing/dangerous thing in any room and immediately put it in her mouth. And she's fast! She's hard to keep up with as a crawler. She's got one word, cat. She says other things that we think might be words, but it's so hard to tell right now. I really look forward to her talking more, though.
Caetlin is also doing really well. We had kind of a rough start to 3- it was like the minute she turned 3, she went from being my sweet girl to this cranky, whiny, testing child that I didn't know- and really didn't like very much. I understood that it is totally developmentally normal, but holy cow was it a challenge! She seems to have mostly come through to the other side by now, though. And while we still have our tough days and tough afternoons and tough moments, she seems to have emerged as a fun and funny kid who is eager to please. She started preschool, as I mentioned, and that seems to be going much better lately too. She's deep into a princess/ballerina phase, and is the most girly-girl ever. I bought her one of these more or less on a whim, and we can barely pry her out of it. We've ended up buying her 3 of them, because she's going to wear it out soon and we better have replacements before Old Navy stops carrying them.
So, that's basically what's happened since Caetlin's birthday. It's only been five months, but somehow it feels like it went by in an eyeblink, and also that it was a long time ago. It's hard to remember when being back at work felt strange, when it was hot outside, before the rains came, before the snow and ice came, before the holidays were behind us. Before Halloween was distant on the horizon and everything was all "Back to School." So much has happened in 5 months and yet things have been strangely static. I feel like things have been moving in slow motion, and suddenly they have started back at normal speed lately.
There have been other things too, of course, but these were the highlights. I'll try to fill in more details in the future, of things like Christmas, and Caetlin giving up her pacifier, and the issues I have with Caetlin's preschool director, and the amusing things Phoebe does every day, and the Sunday School class I teach. I also am committed to posting again regularly. Like music, this has been missing from my life for too long. I miss sharing my thoughts and stories here, complaining and commenting and basically dumping my head onto the screen. It's the cheapest therapy around, and I miss sharing some of the details of my life with my friends and family, in more depth than I can accomplish through Facebook status updates. Basically, I'm unblocked, and ready to roll through 2010.
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