Seeing all the best-of lists and retrospectives inspired me to make one of my year. It's not going to be pretty; it's been Not A Good Year around here. But I am compelled to make the list anyway, to reflect, see how things went wrong, and fervently hope for a better 2009.
January
We started the year off with a trip to Texas, during which I was reminded why one does not take vacations the first week of the new year. I ended up working an annoying amount during the week. I also watched Georgia be insulted by being matched up against Hawaii in the Sugar Bowl- a great bowl, lousy matchup, as Georgia mopped the floor with the Rainbow Warriors.
The end of the month found me in New York, where I helped close a deal and pitched the idea of a transfer to the firm's NYC office. The idea was met with great enthusiasm by the NY personnel, with whom I had a great relationship. There was nothing to do but wait for the transfer to be approved.
February
In early February, the firm told me It's Just Not That Into Me, as the department denied my transfer. I still don't really understand the reasoning, though I have been told several things and have my own suspicions. I took it hard, like a romantic breakup, and embarrassed myself in June when I saw my NY colleagues again, had a drink or two too many, and spent too long going on about how unfair it was.
March
We had been kicking the second baby question around for awhile, and in the wake of the disappointment from the denied transfer, we decided to go ahead and go for it. I was hoping to take a longer maternity leave this time, and with no career speedbumps in the way, now seemed as good a time as any.
April
We spent a week in the Outer Banks for the second year in a row. The house we rented was great, except for that whole porch swing incident that caused my mother-in-law's already fragile back to go out again. The weather was awful, gray and cold, but it was nice to get away. Except that I couldn't get away, and once again, ended up working on vacation. I also started actively losing weight with Weight Watchers in April, and ended up dumping 15 pounds before getting pregnant.
May
May might have been the best month of the year for us. Reading back over the blog posts, all I see are good times at the Renaissance Festival, out of town in the mountains, hiking and gardening and watching the baby grow into a little kid. We did a lot of walking for errands; it soon after that got too hot to walk around in the evenings. Bruce also had a birthday at the end of May, turning a respectable 36.
June
June found me in NY again on business (where I embarrassed myself as I mentioned above) and pregnant! Woo-hoo, El Segundo! June was also the last time I had a busy month at work.
July
July saw us at the top of the world in Alaska. We had a wonderful vacation with Caetlin, despite the distance and the time change and everything. She did great, we had a great time, my occasional morning sickness notwithstanding (it made some parts of our wildlife cruise pretty miserable), we saw some amazing things like a glacier and whales and the Arctic Ocean. We also saw my good friend Devon (now blogging here), whom I had not laid eyes on in nearly ten years. How's that for crazy? She was my best friend in college and we lost touch when she moved out west, and I Google stalked her for years before tracking her down (thank goodness her current employer posts pictures on its website!). I can't tell you how much it meant to me that we got to reunite, and it was wonderful, and her husband is great, and her baby is adorable, and she's having another baby the same time as me! She's hilarious as ever, and the main thing I hate is that she's in Alaska which is a seriously great place but much too far away for convenient visits.
August
In August, Caetlin turned the big 2, and my family made their semi-annual visit to our house. My in-laws came along as well, from Texas. There was cookie cake and burgers on the grill, and I think we all had fun.
Also, it was hot, and I had nothing to do at work.
September
In September, I turned the big 3-2, which my sister forgot for the second year in a row. We also had a scare with our first trimester screen of El Segundo, which showed a 20% chance that Segundo could have Down Syndrome. We underwent an invasive CVS, which is a procedure in which a small amount of tissue is taken from the placenta to be tested. The results showed that Segundo was normal and also that El Segundo was actually La Segunda- we are having our second girl. Bruce immediately began practicing calling his ladies to him: "Wimmenfolk! Come here!"
October
In October, I resorted to writing blog posts at work to keep myself awake, and we discovered I had a low-lying placenta after I had some second-trimester spotting. This turned out to be less serious than first imagined, and probably will clear itself up in time for a normal delivery. October was also the month that Bruce was approached about a possible position with one of our firm's Japanese clients. For awhile, it looked like a done deal; we would be moving to Tokyo. Then the economy collapsed there as well as here, and the need for people like Bruce apparently collapsed with it. It was yet another professional disappointment.
Also, Caetlin was a lion for Halloween. And the Georgia Bulldogs broke my heart, not just losing but embarrassing themselves against the Florida Gators. They would go on to match up against Michigan State in the Capital One Bowl on January 1, 2009.
November
In November Bruce and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary, and I actually had work to do for once! I kept myself pretty busy working and being pregnant, and November is when the Tokyo thing really fell apart. For Thanksgiving, we visited my friend Kelley in the town I grew up in, and Caetlin vomited for perhaps the second time ever. Bruce was involved in maybe the worst deal ever at work, which maybe should have been a harbinger or something. I entered the 3rd trimester of my pregnancy.
December
Well, in December, I worked my pregnant tuchus off, and we tried getting ready for Christmas. I got into a (still-running) feud with my sister and dad. I spoke about some things I've been angry about for years, and my dad's response was to be angry and deny that I have a right to feel the way I do, and my sister's response was to be hurt and deny that I have a right to feel the way I do. Also, she blamed my anger on my pregnancy, for which I may never forgive her. Now I've apparently been downgraded to a High Holy Day Relative, in which they do not contact me except on Christmas. Presumably that will also include the usual holidays- Thanksgiving, Easter. Not sure about second tier holidays like Memorial Day or July 4th. It may or may not include birthdays (see September of this year). Who knows? It's a brave new world of family relationships for me.
And finally, the crowning glory of the year- the job loss. As I mentioned before, the details are unclear. Also unclear is what the laid-off one will do instead. They are considering an industry change entirely. There is one last Hail Mary to be had at the firm, and we will be trying that next week, as well as getting the likely separation details.
And there was Christmas. I cooked, and we had a lovely quiet four days with Caetlin. This week is shaping up to be similarly quiet.
So there you have it. The 2008 year in review. It's kind of depressing, but all we can do is look to the future. We kick off 2009 with a far-too-short visit from Devon and her son, and a longer visit from Bruce's newly-retired parents. Also an ultrasound next week, and a baby girl in March. And most likely firing the nanny, starting Caetlin in day care, and a job search. More frugality, less security. The Steelers in the playoffs. A little bad, a little good. Hopefully the good will outweigh the bad this year. It's hard to see how it couldn't be an improvement on 2008.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
As of yesterday afternoon, we had a mostly-undecorated Christmas tree sitting in our living room. Bruce had gone out and gotten it two weeks ago, and it's lovely, a blue spruce from North Carolina. We put lights on it fairly quickly, but have been putting off adding the other decorations. I've been working a lot, so I'm usually tired, and I had it in my head that it would be easier to decorate without Caetlin around to break stuff and generally get underfoot. When we put her to bed in the evenings or for a nap, if I didn't have to work, I wanted to just sit down. And stay seated. And then lately we haven't exactly been feeling the Christmas spirit anyway.
So the tree remained undecorated, looking a little sad in the corner of the living room as it quietly shed needles and was plugged in every so often. We even mulled some wine a few days ago, in anticipation of drinking it while decorating the tree, and the mulled wine sat in our refrigerator. It just hasn't been happening, for a variety of reasons, most of which I'm sure you can guess at fairly accurately.
Yesterday while Caetlin napped, I worked, and I managed to get all my work done for the day while she was down. I was so excited about having the evening free that I was up for it when Bruce said, "Hey, let's get the rest of the egg nog and decorate the tree with Caetlin this afternoon."
Caetlin, who is a girl after her mommy's own heart, will down a quart of (non-alcoholic, pasteurized) egg nog all by herself if we let her. We didn't have much left, but she drank her share and Mommy's share too. She's super cute when she asks for more because she pronounces egg nog very carefully: "More egggg nnoggg please." She was fascinated with a wooden Santa we have that I think ultimately didn't make it on the tree because she was playing with it. She played with the glass balls and the green and amber beads that we have, and she even put a couple on the tree with us. We have an inordinate number of birds for our tree, and she helped put a couple of those on as well.
We had Christmas carols playing on the TV, and cookies in the oven, and Bruce and I talked to Caetlin about Santa, and presents, and where our ornaments came from, and how glad we were to be decorating the tree together right then. Bruce made the comment that he had not felt like Christmas until that afternoon, and I wholeheartedly agreed with him. Maybe we weren't meant to decorate the tree sooner, because we needed a boost right then. Because we wouldn't have been able to feel that boost before Sunday afternoon, three days after finding out that one of us will be losing our job.
All I can say is that we loaded up the tree with all the cheap Target ornaments that we have, and the many that we have received from his parents, and the ones we have bought for each other. I tried to make sure the back of the tree wasn't neglected. Bruce worked to make sure Caetlin didn't break anything or get ahold of any hooks or anything that might hurt her. She was surprisingly very good about everything, and it wasn't onerous to watch her. And for a few minutes, I was able to stop worrying about our finances, about the job search for the laid off one, about the things from our lives before the job loss that I am grieving about losing. About the growing rift between myself and my family (will we ever speak again? Unclear at this point). About what we will do when Segunda comes. About work undone and finishing Christmas errands and everything else that has weighed us down for the last couple of weeks.
For a few minutes, we were able to be a family and be happy together, and our hearts were light. That might be the best Christmas present I could have received.
So the tree remained undecorated, looking a little sad in the corner of the living room as it quietly shed needles and was plugged in every so often. We even mulled some wine a few days ago, in anticipation of drinking it while decorating the tree, and the mulled wine sat in our refrigerator. It just hasn't been happening, for a variety of reasons, most of which I'm sure you can guess at fairly accurately.
Yesterday while Caetlin napped, I worked, and I managed to get all my work done for the day while she was down. I was so excited about having the evening free that I was up for it when Bruce said, "Hey, let's get the rest of the egg nog and decorate the tree with Caetlin this afternoon."
Caetlin, who is a girl after her mommy's own heart, will down a quart of (non-alcoholic, pasteurized) egg nog all by herself if we let her. We didn't have much left, but she drank her share and Mommy's share too. She's super cute when she asks for more because she pronounces egg nog very carefully: "More egggg nnoggg please." She was fascinated with a wooden Santa we have that I think ultimately didn't make it on the tree because she was playing with it. She played with the glass balls and the green and amber beads that we have, and she even put a couple on the tree with us. We have an inordinate number of birds for our tree, and she helped put a couple of those on as well.
We had Christmas carols playing on the TV, and cookies in the oven, and Bruce and I talked to Caetlin about Santa, and presents, and where our ornaments came from, and how glad we were to be decorating the tree together right then. Bruce made the comment that he had not felt like Christmas until that afternoon, and I wholeheartedly agreed with him. Maybe we weren't meant to decorate the tree sooner, because we needed a boost right then. Because we wouldn't have been able to feel that boost before Sunday afternoon, three days after finding out that one of us will be losing our job.
All I can say is that we loaded up the tree with all the cheap Target ornaments that we have, and the many that we have received from his parents, and the ones we have bought for each other. I tried to make sure the back of the tree wasn't neglected. Bruce worked to make sure Caetlin didn't break anything or get ahold of any hooks or anything that might hurt her. She was surprisingly very good about everything, and it wasn't onerous to watch her. And for a few minutes, I was able to stop worrying about our finances, about the job search for the laid off one, about the things from our lives before the job loss that I am grieving about losing. About the growing rift between myself and my family (will we ever speak again? Unclear at this point). About what we will do when Segunda comes. About work undone and finishing Christmas errands and everything else that has weighed us down for the last couple of weeks.
For a few minutes, we were able to be a family and be happy together, and our hearts were light. That might be the best Christmas present I could have received.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
AWKwaaard
So, the laid-off among us went to work yesterday as normal, because they still actually have work to do, and was on the phone discussing said work with the partner who had unofficially spilled the beans about the impending axe, when the partner made some idle chit chat and asked how the laid-off one was doing.
"Oh, I'm okay, I guess. Have to go home and fire a nanny."
"Why, is she doing a bad job?"
*facepalm*
"No, it's because soon I will be unable to afford her."
*Crickets chirping*
Some people are so clueless. And if you can't laugh at a time like this, you have to cry. So I laugh at you, Clueless Partner. Ha ha ha.
"Oh, I'm okay, I guess. Have to go home and fire a nanny."
"Why, is she doing a bad job?"
*facepalm*
"No, it's because soon I will be unable to afford her."
*Crickets chirping*
Some people are so clueless. And if you can't laugh at a time like this, you have to cry. So I laugh at you, Clueless Partner. Ha ha ha.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
"Aaaand the Hits Just Keep On Coming...
...so keep that dial tuned to WATL and our sister station WSUX! Next up, all the headlines that matter!"
So, I should have known I was tempting fate. When you write things like this, "We're both employed at a good salary, and look to continue being so employed for the time being" and post them in public, you really are leaving yourself open to a great cosmic beat down.
It's not official. Yet. That won't happen until shortly after the new year, and the terms aren't entirely clear at this point. But the unofficial word is that one of us will not be employed for too terribly much longer. I don't want to say more, because if there is severance offered, I don't want to jeopardize it by being too blabby now. But that's the word from above. The way it appears to be working is that the let-go person is going to be staying on for some period of time, during which time they'll be encouraged to find other employment.
I guess my nanny dilemma has been solved, hasn't it? I didn't even have to get your weigh-in on whether to keep her on or not (bottom line: we didn't feel we were getting the value for the large amount of money we were paying, and we thought Caetlin would do well and be more challenged in a day care setting, but we didn't want to let the nanny go in such a crappy economy, knowing what we know about how her job sustains her family). I just hate to cut her loose into this economy, but that choice is completely out of my hands at this point.
We don't have a huge amount of fat in our budget to cut, though the largest expense that we can cut back is food, mostly because we eat out or takeout way too often. We'll be cooking much more very soon. We already have Caetlin into a day care, though it's not terribly convenient- it's a number of miles in the wrong direction. They at least have room for her. And if other employment isn't found, maybe we won't need day care at all. Being a stay at home parent has been discussed often around here lately, as one possible contingency plan.
Anyway, pray for us that the Charlotte house rents. If it rents even at a lower price than we might like, we'll still probably be okay on one income.
I'm scared. I wanted change, and I can see a lot of ways that this will be for the better for us, and I will be able to look to the future and those positive changes soon, but right now I'm just scared of what will happen to us. There is no market. For anything, really, but certainly not for what we do. I'm scared to make a go of it on one income, mostly because we have the Charlotte house to worry about. If I'm honest, we still have a lot of ways to cut back (cable, we could move someplace cheaper, etc.) without really sacrificing our quality of life all that much. And we have lots and lots of ways to cut back by sacrificing our quality of life, if it comes to that. Our credit will be fine, we will have food on the table and a roof over our heads.
It's just a lot to take in, combined with the emotions that come with this kind of news. Change is being foisted upon us, which is never preferred. I would have liked to have change come on my terms, thank you very much.
It's kind of like that old video game, Punch Out. Did anyone play that, or see/hear it in an arcade? I remember the announcer, when someone got on a particularly good streak, "Body blow! Body blow! Body blow!"
Yeah, it's kind of like that around here lately.
So, I should have known I was tempting fate. When you write things like this, "We're both employed at a good salary, and look to continue being so employed for the time being" and post them in public, you really are leaving yourself open to a great cosmic beat down.
It's not official. Yet. That won't happen until shortly after the new year, and the terms aren't entirely clear at this point. But the unofficial word is that one of us will not be employed for too terribly much longer. I don't want to say more, because if there is severance offered, I don't want to jeopardize it by being too blabby now. But that's the word from above. The way it appears to be working is that the let-go person is going to be staying on for some period of time, during which time they'll be encouraged to find other employment.
I guess my nanny dilemma has been solved, hasn't it? I didn't even have to get your weigh-in on whether to keep her on or not (bottom line: we didn't feel we were getting the value for the large amount of money we were paying, and we thought Caetlin would do well and be more challenged in a day care setting, but we didn't want to let the nanny go in such a crappy economy, knowing what we know about how her job sustains her family). I just hate to cut her loose into this economy, but that choice is completely out of my hands at this point.
We don't have a huge amount of fat in our budget to cut, though the largest expense that we can cut back is food, mostly because we eat out or takeout way too often. We'll be cooking much more very soon. We already have Caetlin into a day care, though it's not terribly convenient- it's a number of miles in the wrong direction. They at least have room for her. And if other employment isn't found, maybe we won't need day care at all. Being a stay at home parent has been discussed often around here lately, as one possible contingency plan.
Anyway, pray for us that the Charlotte house rents. If it rents even at a lower price than we might like, we'll still probably be okay on one income.
I'm scared. I wanted change, and I can see a lot of ways that this will be for the better for us, and I will be able to look to the future and those positive changes soon, but right now I'm just scared of what will happen to us. There is no market. For anything, really, but certainly not for what we do. I'm scared to make a go of it on one income, mostly because we have the Charlotte house to worry about. If I'm honest, we still have a lot of ways to cut back (cable, we could move someplace cheaper, etc.) without really sacrificing our quality of life all that much. And we have lots and lots of ways to cut back by sacrificing our quality of life, if it comes to that. Our credit will be fine, we will have food on the table and a roof over our heads.
It's just a lot to take in, combined with the emotions that come with this kind of news. Change is being foisted upon us, which is never preferred. I would have liked to have change come on my terms, thank you very much.
It's kind of like that old video game, Punch Out. Did anyone play that, or see/hear it in an arcade? I remember the announcer, when someone got on a particularly good streak, "Body blow! Body blow! Body blow!"
Yeah, it's kind of like that around here lately.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
...is where I would like to be going at about this point. Or Los Angeles. Or Texas. Or New York, or Tokyo. Or heck, even the frozen wastelands of Anchorage or Minneapolis.
It's been a rough couple of days. Work has sucked both in quantity and quality. There has been family drama, and I'm ever more convinced that the way out of being perpetually angry with my family is to move far, far away. I haven't seen enough of Caetlin, and she manages to stab me in the heart with a butter knife every morning when she cries after me, that she wants to go with me. She's also been working on her manipulation, and just today she broke out the trusty, "Why Mommy left?" with the pooched out lower lip and pitiful voice. That's lemon and salt in the butter-knife wound, let me tell you, even when I know she's not serious.
The Animals had it right, I think. We've got to get out of this place/if it's the last thing we ever do/We've got to get out of this place/Girl there's a better life for me and you. I know it's a protest song, but work with me here.
I have to post the obligatory disclaimer: my problems are peanuts compared to everyone else's. We're both employed at a good salary, and look to continue being so employed for the time being. We have our health, and can afford good child care for our healthy daughter. We don't have to worry about transportation or housing or insurance or food or clothing. We've got those basics covered.
In a way, that's almost the problem. My problems will never be serious, because in the grand scheme of things, we have so many other things going our way. It's tough to be a working mom with a small child and another on the way, but it would be tougher if I had to work for minimum wage, so what am I complaining about? It's challenging and exhausting raising a toddler, but it's not like we have to worry about or try to parent a drug-addicted teenager or severely disabled child, so what's my problem? I work long hours, but at least I have a very small commute, so suck it up! I have just as much need to cram my whole life into those two weekend days each week as everyone else, but because we can afford to have someone come in and clean the toilets twice a month and because we have advanced our nanny ridiculous sums of money that she's working off by babysitting at every opportunity, I need to shut up. So many others have it so much harder.
Yes, they do. No doubt about it. But I really resent the "Poor little rich girl" mentality. Money can't buy community. Money can't buy supportive, helpful friends and family. Money can't buy respectful colleagues. And money can't buy time.
You know what else I resent? Having any of this discontent blamed on my pregnancy. I hated this place long before I was pregnant. I'll probably continue hating it long after Segunda is born. I've been lonely, and alienated, and disappointed in the way the great ATL experiment has worked out, for much longer than the 29 weeks I've been gestating.
I don't know if I have a point here. I can say that we remain frantic in our desire and search for getting out of here. The market seems to be keeping us here for the time being, however. Can I bring a false imprisonment charge against the economy? Because I am surely being held here against my will.
It's been a rough couple of days. Work has sucked both in quantity and quality. There has been family drama, and I'm ever more convinced that the way out of being perpetually angry with my family is to move far, far away. I haven't seen enough of Caetlin, and she manages to stab me in the heart with a butter knife every morning when she cries after me, that she wants to go with me. She's also been working on her manipulation, and just today she broke out the trusty, "Why Mommy left?" with the pooched out lower lip and pitiful voice. That's lemon and salt in the butter-knife wound, let me tell you, even when I know she's not serious.
The Animals had it right, I think. We've got to get out of this place/if it's the last thing we ever do/We've got to get out of this place/Girl there's a better life for me and you. I know it's a protest song, but work with me here.
I have to post the obligatory disclaimer: my problems are peanuts compared to everyone else's. We're both employed at a good salary, and look to continue being so employed for the time being. We have our health, and can afford good child care for our healthy daughter. We don't have to worry about transportation or housing or insurance or food or clothing. We've got those basics covered.
In a way, that's almost the problem. My problems will never be serious, because in the grand scheme of things, we have so many other things going our way. It's tough to be a working mom with a small child and another on the way, but it would be tougher if I had to work for minimum wage, so what am I complaining about? It's challenging and exhausting raising a toddler, but it's not like we have to worry about or try to parent a drug-addicted teenager or severely disabled child, so what's my problem? I work long hours, but at least I have a very small commute, so suck it up! I have just as much need to cram my whole life into those two weekend days each week as everyone else, but because we can afford to have someone come in and clean the toilets twice a month and because we have advanced our nanny ridiculous sums of money that she's working off by babysitting at every opportunity, I need to shut up. So many others have it so much harder.
Yes, they do. No doubt about it. But I really resent the "Poor little rich girl" mentality. Money can't buy community. Money can't buy supportive, helpful friends and family. Money can't buy respectful colleagues. And money can't buy time.
You know what else I resent? Having any of this discontent blamed on my pregnancy. I hated this place long before I was pregnant. I'll probably continue hating it long after Segunda is born. I've been lonely, and alienated, and disappointed in the way the great ATL experiment has worked out, for much longer than the 29 weeks I've been gestating.
I don't know if I have a point here. I can say that we remain frantic in our desire and search for getting out of here. The market seems to be keeping us here for the time being, however. Can I bring a false imprisonment charge against the economy? Because I am surely being held here against my will.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
From the Mouths of Babes
This morning we were all having a snuggle in bed before breakfast, watching a tiny bit of TV. Caetlin is half watching, half just chatting with Mommy and Daddy, and out of nowhere she turns to us and proclaims, "Mommy's crazy. Daddy's not."
Whatever you say, kid.
Whatever you say, kid.
Friday, December 12, 2008
A Follow Up Post
After reading and re-reading my last post, and reading mkpt's comment to it, I thought I needed to post a little more on the issue of our nanny's grandson. Both because I'm not sure I was clear enough and because the act of writing about and reading about him has made me think about him and the way I feel about him even more over these last few days.
First, I want to clarify that I feel really guilty for not liking him. My whole point in including the bit about how his family doesn't appear to talk to him much was not to illustrate that I think the behaviors that annoy me are caused by that. It was to illustrate that I feel bad for him. I think he craves adult attention. And to grown ups, he is a very sweet little boy. (Less so to Caetlin, as I mentioned, with the toy swiping, etc.)
Maybe the behaviors that both perplex and annoy me do so because I don't understand them. I mean, at all. This morning I was sitting in the den watching him and Caetlin play, and he was sitting on top of this little music table that we have. Both kids have kind of outgrown it, but they both still play with it, so we haven't put it away yet. Anyway, it's not really meant to be sat on, and it's a measure of how big they both are that they can both basically sit down on it without much trouble. So he was sitting on it, and our nanny told him to get off of it. She had to bodily lift him off, and when she did, he went straight to throwing the thing over. In anger at not being able to sit on it, I guess? She told him no, at the same time I asked him not to turn it over as well, and she had a standoff with him, where he was clearly waiting until her back was turned to promptly turn the table over, and she wasn't going to take her eyes off him until he was doing something else. It eventually ended with him trying anyway, and she physically blocking him from doing so and moving the table across the room.
I have to admit, this entire exchange baffles me. It is so outside my experience in dealing with Caetlin. Immediately after this little incident, Caetlin went over to the table and started to sit on it, in imitation. I said, "Caetlin, no ma'am. We don't sit on the table," in my Mom Voice, and she got up and went back to what she had been doing. She clearly wasn't that invested in sitting on the table, but even if she had been, me telling her no likely wouldn't have meant that she tried to inflict violence on the toy.
Maybe most of the difference is due, as mkpt suggests, to the difference between girl and boy toddlers. Maybe that is part of it, and some of it is upbringing and some of it is developmental. I don't know (hence my last post). All I do know is that I don't understand him. And I'm not around enough boy toddlers to recognize whether he is a developmentally normal 3 year old boy or a horrible brat or something in between. I also know that not every boy toddler is like that (I can't speak for mkpt's Luke, since they moved to the Frozen Tundra of Minneapolis, but I remember her Noah as a three-year-old and he was a delightful boy), but that doesn't necessarily make our nanny's grandson a problem child.
The one thing I can say for sure is that I don't much care for him. And that makes me sad and ashamed of myself. I wish I could like him. I wish he didn't make me want to stay huddled in my room every morning when I hear him come in, yelling, playing with every toy in our house that makes noise, jumping around. I wish he didn't feel like such an intrusion. But he does.
And I've been thinking about why that is. I think it has to do with a couple things. First, he's in our house a lot. I don't think I can name a child other than my own that I really want to see as much as I see this kid. I think we're all tired of each other, frankly. And he's always in our house, so he's always breaking our stuff, and tearing our books, and making a mess on our floors. It starts to feel a bit invasive, which has only to do with the circumstances, and not him at all.
I think the invasive feeling also may have something to do with my hormones. I'm nesting, and I do wonder if those feelings aren't partially responsible for wanting to circle the wagons around the family unit, and keep out those who my monkey brain doesn't recognize as pack. That's also not his fault, but oh my God, most mornings I am just screaming "GET OUT!" in my head to both our nanny and her grandson. I feel like I can't move around freely in my own house, like I'm intruding if I end up in the kitchen in the morning, like I'm an interloper if I want to eat breakfast at the dining room table at the same time as the kids are having breakfast. I feel like I'm in the way and cluttering things up. And I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I have no control over what goes on in my own home.
That actually leads me to another reason I believe I've developed this intense dislike for this child. I have absolutely no say in what he does or does not do in my house. It's not like I can enforce the house rules or otherwise discipline the boy without stepping on my nanny's toes. And that even extends to when he's mean or physical with Caetlin, since I always feel like if the nanny is there, that I'm not allowed to discipline or otherwise really care for my daughter, lest I undermine her authority. But as it relates to Caetlin and her grandson, I think the line is especially blurry about what role, if any, I have, since he's, you know, related to her and all, the fact that they are in my house notwithstanding. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm sure it's mostly my own fault; I need to grow some balls and interact with my kid the way I want to, and with her kid too, and if she doesn't like it, she can find different day care for him.
But I just feel powerless to affect anything when it comes to him, even when it negatively affects my daughter. Now let's be clear- if he were hitting her, or doing anything to hurt her at all, I would take steps. These are minor things we're talking about. And generally when the nanny sees her grandson act up, she reprimands him the same way I would have anyway. It's mostly the powerlessness, I think, not necessarily the ultimate outcome, that makes it so hard for me to deal with the kid. It sort of feeds into that feeling of being intruded upon.
Anyway, I don't have any answers. I try to be patient with him. I still hug and kiss him every day. I talk to him when he's around. I do my best not to hear it when he's screaming for the umpteenth time that day. Or to see it when he breaks something that belongs to Caetlin. I also continue to feel guilty for not liking him and wish I did.
As so much of my dilemma about whether to continue to employ our nanny is wrapped up in this boy, I find he remains in my thoughts a lot. We have decided to ask our nanny to find alternate care arrangements for him after the first of the year. Mostly it has to do with Segunda, since the room he naps in will be her room, and frankly, I don't really want him around so much when she's born. Logistically, it will be unmanageable for him to be here with her, beyond potential safety and germ issues. Yes, I know Caetlin will bring in many germs and trying to keep Segunda healthy is a losing battle, but I see no reason why I should stack the deck against her right at the beginning.
So maybe he won't prey on my mind so much soon. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check around him, and grin and bear it and continue being nice to him. Wish me luck.
First, I want to clarify that I feel really guilty for not liking him. My whole point in including the bit about how his family doesn't appear to talk to him much was not to illustrate that I think the behaviors that annoy me are caused by that. It was to illustrate that I feel bad for him. I think he craves adult attention. And to grown ups, he is a very sweet little boy. (Less so to Caetlin, as I mentioned, with the toy swiping, etc.)
Maybe the behaviors that both perplex and annoy me do so because I don't understand them. I mean, at all. This morning I was sitting in the den watching him and Caetlin play, and he was sitting on top of this little music table that we have. Both kids have kind of outgrown it, but they both still play with it, so we haven't put it away yet. Anyway, it's not really meant to be sat on, and it's a measure of how big they both are that they can both basically sit down on it without much trouble. So he was sitting on it, and our nanny told him to get off of it. She had to bodily lift him off, and when she did, he went straight to throwing the thing over. In anger at not being able to sit on it, I guess? She told him no, at the same time I asked him not to turn it over as well, and she had a standoff with him, where he was clearly waiting until her back was turned to promptly turn the table over, and she wasn't going to take her eyes off him until he was doing something else. It eventually ended with him trying anyway, and she physically blocking him from doing so and moving the table across the room.
I have to admit, this entire exchange baffles me. It is so outside my experience in dealing with Caetlin. Immediately after this little incident, Caetlin went over to the table and started to sit on it, in imitation. I said, "Caetlin, no ma'am. We don't sit on the table," in my Mom Voice, and she got up and went back to what she had been doing. She clearly wasn't that invested in sitting on the table, but even if she had been, me telling her no likely wouldn't have meant that she tried to inflict violence on the toy.
Maybe most of the difference is due, as mkpt suggests, to the difference between girl and boy toddlers. Maybe that is part of it, and some of it is upbringing and some of it is developmental. I don't know (hence my last post). All I do know is that I don't understand him. And I'm not around enough boy toddlers to recognize whether he is a developmentally normal 3 year old boy or a horrible brat or something in between. I also know that not every boy toddler is like that (I can't speak for mkpt's Luke, since they moved to the Frozen Tundra of Minneapolis, but I remember her Noah as a three-year-old and he was a delightful boy), but that doesn't necessarily make our nanny's grandson a problem child.
The one thing I can say for sure is that I don't much care for him. And that makes me sad and ashamed of myself. I wish I could like him. I wish he didn't make me want to stay huddled in my room every morning when I hear him come in, yelling, playing with every toy in our house that makes noise, jumping around. I wish he didn't feel like such an intrusion. But he does.
And I've been thinking about why that is. I think it has to do with a couple things. First, he's in our house a lot. I don't think I can name a child other than my own that I really want to see as much as I see this kid. I think we're all tired of each other, frankly. And he's always in our house, so he's always breaking our stuff, and tearing our books, and making a mess on our floors. It starts to feel a bit invasive, which has only to do with the circumstances, and not him at all.
I think the invasive feeling also may have something to do with my hormones. I'm nesting, and I do wonder if those feelings aren't partially responsible for wanting to circle the wagons around the family unit, and keep out those who my monkey brain doesn't recognize as pack. That's also not his fault, but oh my God, most mornings I am just screaming "GET OUT!" in my head to both our nanny and her grandson. I feel like I can't move around freely in my own house, like I'm intruding if I end up in the kitchen in the morning, like I'm an interloper if I want to eat breakfast at the dining room table at the same time as the kids are having breakfast. I feel like I'm in the way and cluttering things up. And I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I have no control over what goes on in my own home.
That actually leads me to another reason I believe I've developed this intense dislike for this child. I have absolutely no say in what he does or does not do in my house. It's not like I can enforce the house rules or otherwise discipline the boy without stepping on my nanny's toes. And that even extends to when he's mean or physical with Caetlin, since I always feel like if the nanny is there, that I'm not allowed to discipline or otherwise really care for my daughter, lest I undermine her authority. But as it relates to Caetlin and her grandson, I think the line is especially blurry about what role, if any, I have, since he's, you know, related to her and all, the fact that they are in my house notwithstanding. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm sure it's mostly my own fault; I need to grow some balls and interact with my kid the way I want to, and with her kid too, and if she doesn't like it, she can find different day care for him.
But I just feel powerless to affect anything when it comes to him, even when it negatively affects my daughter. Now let's be clear- if he were hitting her, or doing anything to hurt her at all, I would take steps. These are minor things we're talking about. And generally when the nanny sees her grandson act up, she reprimands him the same way I would have anyway. It's mostly the powerlessness, I think, not necessarily the ultimate outcome, that makes it so hard for me to deal with the kid. It sort of feeds into that feeling of being intruded upon.
Anyway, I don't have any answers. I try to be patient with him. I still hug and kiss him every day. I talk to him when he's around. I do my best not to hear it when he's screaming for the umpteenth time that day. Or to see it when he breaks something that belongs to Caetlin. I also continue to feel guilty for not liking him and wish I did.
As so much of my dilemma about whether to continue to employ our nanny is wrapped up in this boy, I find he remains in my thoughts a lot. We have decided to ask our nanny to find alternate care arrangements for him after the first of the year. Mostly it has to do with Segunda, since the room he naps in will be her room, and frankly, I don't really want him around so much when she's born. Logistically, it will be unmanageable for him to be here with her, beyond potential safety and germ issues. Yes, I know Caetlin will bring in many germs and trying to keep Segunda healthy is a losing battle, but I see no reason why I should stack the deck against her right at the beginning.
So maybe he won't prey on my mind so much soon. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check around him, and grin and bear it and continue being nice to him. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Help Me Out Here
Okay, I have a confession to make: I don't like my nanny's grandson.
He'll be three in January, and he's been coming to "day care" with Caetlin for about 6 months or so. We offered it to our nanny in lieu of a raise, back when we wanted to give her a raise and couldn't afford it, especially with a required raise coming when Segunda is born (if she's still employed with us by then, which is a whole other post. I'm struggling with my conscience about what to do with her, and I'll post my back and forth soon on that and solicit advice).
Anyway, we thought a companion for Caetlin would be a good thing, and it is a significant monetary benefit to her and her family, with almost nothing out of our pockets. I say almost because we pay for him to attend the same classes as Caetlin, and we pay his admission to whatever other activities they do, as well as Caetlin's. We often feed him, and the boy will eat us out of house and home if house and home consisted entirely of bananas. He's also mostly potty trained, which means we go through toilet paper like there is no tomorrow. But these are small expenses compared to what an hourly raise would cost us.
Unfortunately, six months on, both Bruce and I really can't stand this kid.
He is seriously grabby and will try to take what ever Caetlin is playing with, just because she's playing with it. She's a pretty easygoing kid and will often give him what he's asking for, and immediately when she picks something else up, he starts crying for that thing. Frequently he'll try to just rip it out of her hands, if he can get away with that without a grown up heading him off at the pass. He's also terribly destructive. I know that kids generally are destructive, mostly (at this age) without meaning to be, but good gracious, we have exponentially more broken toys and books with torn pages now than we did before he came along.
He is ridiculously stubborn- both Bruce and I have stubborn streaks, but this kid takes the cake. He's going through a phase right now where he will put food in his mouth and just hold it, sometimes for a really long time (>30 minutes). He won't swallow. He won't chew. If he's allowed to run around with it in his mouth, eventually he will spit it out at some random time and place.
He is the world's worst crybaby (okay, maybe that's hyperbole, but he cries a lot). Any time he doesn't get his way, which, being almost-three, happens all the time, he cries. And not just a little whining either- we're talking full on tantrum, sometimes complete with collapsing flat on the floor. Big tears. Snot. Sobbing. And it's not quiet, as you may imagine. (Nothing the child does is quiet.) Over the smallest thing- putting his hood up on his jacket. Having his orange (that he won't eat but will merely hold in his mouth) taken away. Having to give back whatever item he's swiped from Caetlin. Screams of agony. Stamping feet on the floor. You get the (unpleasant) picture. This happens multiple times per day. And I only see him for half an hour or so in the morning and maybe 15 minutes in the evening. I cannot imagine what his day is like if those times are representative.
Beyond the fact that he makes both of us have to hold onto our patience with both hands, there are some other unpleasant side effects of Caetlin hanging out with him (some of which make up the dilemma surrounding whether to continue to employ our nanny). Like, he is somewhat speech delayed, and she has picked up some of his bad articulation habits. I feel like such a neurotic mom when it bugs me that she will often say "hee" or "tee" instead of "please," especially when she articulated most of the sounds in the word please very well before he came along. I know that she will grow out of these bad habits. I know that she will not go to kindergarten saying "tee" for "please." She is far too verbal, and we model it for her correctly constantly, and kids grow out of that stuff anyway. But it puts my teeth on edge every time I hear it come out of her mouth. That's not the only lazy verbal habit she's picked up either. I might be able to relax about it if it were, but it's not.
The sad thing is that he clearly doesn't get enough attention at home. He comes running to me every single morning when he hears me moving around, so I will give him a hug and kiss. He's a very affectionate child. It's clear to me that the adults in his life don't talk to him much, if at all, certainly not at all the way we talk to Caetlin as a matter of course. For example, we have tons of animal toys around, and it's part of what I do to ask Caetlin what the animal she happens to be holding is, and what sound does it make. Caetlin has been able to identify that cows moo for a very long time now, I would venture almost a year, and that pigs oink almost as long. Her nanny's grandson either doesn't know this information, or isn't used to conversational give and take and doesn't answer the question. Either way, it seems to me that people don't talk to him enough (maybe the source of some or all of his speech delay?). It's been interesting from a sociological standpoint to see the differences in the way we are raising Caetlin in terms of enrichment, versus the way our nanny and her daughter are raising this boy.
Aaanyway, here's what I need help with. I don't mean to make us out as super parents (viz. my Thanksgiving meltdown right along with my daughter). We're just people trying to do the best we can for our daughter and ourselves. That said, it seems like we rarely see these kinds of behaviors out of Caetlin. She's pretty easygoing, as I mentioned, and she can be redirected fairly easily. Not that she forgets whatever it was she wanted, but she will often accept a substitute. She can also be bargained with. She gets the concept of the deal. We'll ask her to make choices, like between night night and stories, when she's really insistent that she be allowed to play when it's time for bed. That seems to work pretty well. And I can say, "Eat this tomato and then you can have goldfish," and she gets it and will eat the tomato first. I don't want to jinx us, but we rarely have the kinds of meltdowns with her that we see with her nanny's grandson on a daily basis. (Usually with Caetlin they come when she's tired or, ironically, when we're in public and can't control her environment as well, i.e., she really likes that street musician and they have to take a break.)
So my question is this: is our nanny's grandson what Three is like? So far with Caetlin, Two hasn't been nearly as Terrible as I'd been led to believe. Is it lying in wait for us? Is she going to morph over the next 8 months into a screaming, grabbing, just plain bratty child? How much of these behaviors is developmental and how much is temperamental? How much does upbringing factor into it? Caetlin has always been an easy child (*frantically looks for wood to knock*); is that doomed to disappear over the next months?
And how much of our dislike for this boy is misplaced in dislike for him and/or the way his mother and grandmother and great-grandmother (they all live together) raise him, and instead should be directed at his developmental phase and "This too shall pass"? Because I've been saying that about him for 6 months, but maybe I haven't given it long enough?
Friends and family who have or have been exposed to older toddlers: what say you? Are this kid's annoying behaviors developmental, environmental, temperamental, or some other -mental that I haven't thought of?
He'll be three in January, and he's been coming to "day care" with Caetlin for about 6 months or so. We offered it to our nanny in lieu of a raise, back when we wanted to give her a raise and couldn't afford it, especially with a required raise coming when Segunda is born (if she's still employed with us by then, which is a whole other post. I'm struggling with my conscience about what to do with her, and I'll post my back and forth soon on that and solicit advice).
Anyway, we thought a companion for Caetlin would be a good thing, and it is a significant monetary benefit to her and her family, with almost nothing out of our pockets. I say almost because we pay for him to attend the same classes as Caetlin, and we pay his admission to whatever other activities they do, as well as Caetlin's. We often feed him, and the boy will eat us out of house and home if house and home consisted entirely of bananas. He's also mostly potty trained, which means we go through toilet paper like there is no tomorrow. But these are small expenses compared to what an hourly raise would cost us.
Unfortunately, six months on, both Bruce and I really can't stand this kid.
He is seriously grabby and will try to take what ever Caetlin is playing with, just because she's playing with it. She's a pretty easygoing kid and will often give him what he's asking for, and immediately when she picks something else up, he starts crying for that thing. Frequently he'll try to just rip it out of her hands, if he can get away with that without a grown up heading him off at the pass. He's also terribly destructive. I know that kids generally are destructive, mostly (at this age) without meaning to be, but good gracious, we have exponentially more broken toys and books with torn pages now than we did before he came along.
He is ridiculously stubborn- both Bruce and I have stubborn streaks, but this kid takes the cake. He's going through a phase right now where he will put food in his mouth and just hold it, sometimes for a really long time (>30 minutes). He won't swallow. He won't chew. If he's allowed to run around with it in his mouth, eventually he will spit it out at some random time and place.
He is the world's worst crybaby (okay, maybe that's hyperbole, but he cries a lot). Any time he doesn't get his way, which, being almost-three, happens all the time, he cries. And not just a little whining either- we're talking full on tantrum, sometimes complete with collapsing flat on the floor. Big tears. Snot. Sobbing. And it's not quiet, as you may imagine. (Nothing the child does is quiet.) Over the smallest thing- putting his hood up on his jacket. Having his orange (that he won't eat but will merely hold in his mouth) taken away. Having to give back whatever item he's swiped from Caetlin. Screams of agony. Stamping feet on the floor. You get the (unpleasant) picture. This happens multiple times per day. And I only see him for half an hour or so in the morning and maybe 15 minutes in the evening. I cannot imagine what his day is like if those times are representative.
Beyond the fact that he makes both of us have to hold onto our patience with both hands, there are some other unpleasant side effects of Caetlin hanging out with him (some of which make up the dilemma surrounding whether to continue to employ our nanny). Like, he is somewhat speech delayed, and she has picked up some of his bad articulation habits. I feel like such a neurotic mom when it bugs me that she will often say "hee" or "tee" instead of "please," especially when she articulated most of the sounds in the word please very well before he came along. I know that she will grow out of these bad habits. I know that she will not go to kindergarten saying "tee" for "please." She is far too verbal, and we model it for her correctly constantly, and kids grow out of that stuff anyway. But it puts my teeth on edge every time I hear it come out of her mouth. That's not the only lazy verbal habit she's picked up either. I might be able to relax about it if it were, but it's not.
The sad thing is that he clearly doesn't get enough attention at home. He comes running to me every single morning when he hears me moving around, so I will give him a hug and kiss. He's a very affectionate child. It's clear to me that the adults in his life don't talk to him much, if at all, certainly not at all the way we talk to Caetlin as a matter of course. For example, we have tons of animal toys around, and it's part of what I do to ask Caetlin what the animal she happens to be holding is, and what sound does it make. Caetlin has been able to identify that cows moo for a very long time now, I would venture almost a year, and that pigs oink almost as long. Her nanny's grandson either doesn't know this information, or isn't used to conversational give and take and doesn't answer the question. Either way, it seems to me that people don't talk to him enough (maybe the source of some or all of his speech delay?). It's been interesting from a sociological standpoint to see the differences in the way we are raising Caetlin in terms of enrichment, versus the way our nanny and her daughter are raising this boy.
Aaanyway, here's what I need help with. I don't mean to make us out as super parents (viz. my Thanksgiving meltdown right along with my daughter). We're just people trying to do the best we can for our daughter and ourselves. That said, it seems like we rarely see these kinds of behaviors out of Caetlin. She's pretty easygoing, as I mentioned, and she can be redirected fairly easily. Not that she forgets whatever it was she wanted, but she will often accept a substitute. She can also be bargained with. She gets the concept of the deal. We'll ask her to make choices, like between night night and stories, when she's really insistent that she be allowed to play when it's time for bed. That seems to work pretty well. And I can say, "Eat this tomato and then you can have goldfish," and she gets it and will eat the tomato first. I don't want to jinx us, but we rarely have the kinds of meltdowns with her that we see with her nanny's grandson on a daily basis. (Usually with Caetlin they come when she's tired or, ironically, when we're in public and can't control her environment as well, i.e., she really likes that street musician and they have to take a break.)
So my question is this: is our nanny's grandson what Three is like? So far with Caetlin, Two hasn't been nearly as Terrible as I'd been led to believe. Is it lying in wait for us? Is she going to morph over the next 8 months into a screaming, grabbing, just plain bratty child? How much of these behaviors is developmental and how much is temperamental? How much does upbringing factor into it? Caetlin has always been an easy child (*frantically looks for wood to knock*); is that doomed to disappear over the next months?
And how much of our dislike for this boy is misplaced in dislike for him and/or the way his mother and grandmother and great-grandmother (they all live together) raise him, and instead should be directed at his developmental phase and "This too shall pass"? Because I've been saying that about him for 6 months, but maybe I haven't given it long enough?
Friends and family who have or have been exposed to older toddlers: what say you? Are this kid's annoying behaviors developmental, environmental, temperamental, or some other -mental that I haven't thought of?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Picture Dump
I've been entirely remiss in posting pictures of Caetlin. I realized recently that I have a ton of pictures on my camera that I needed to port over to the computer, and in doing so, I discovered a number of really great pics of Caetlin that I wanted to share. I'll be doing this over the next little while. These are random pictures from late summer and fall.
For instance, we spent a weekend with my grandmother and extended family in August. This is Caetlin and her great grandmother. I can't tell you how pleased I am to have these pictures.
And we spent a beautiful day in October at the duck pond near our house. In among several apartment buildings and corporate campuses, there is a large park with a pond filled with ducks and geese. Lots of green space, tables, walking trails- it's just lovely. I took lots of pictures that day, so you'll see a bunch from this series in the coming days (weeks? Don't want to overpromise).
Caetlin and Daddy.
She's my big girl.
With the ducks.
How could you resist that face?
Okay, that should be enough red meat for the base for now. More later.
For instance, we spent a weekend with my grandmother and extended family in August. This is Caetlin and her great grandmother. I can't tell you how pleased I am to have these pictures.
And we spent a beautiful day in October at the duck pond near our house. In among several apartment buildings and corporate campuses, there is a large park with a pond filled with ducks and geese. Lots of green space, tables, walking trails- it's just lovely. I took lots of pictures that day, so you'll see a bunch from this series in the coming days (weeks? Don't want to overpromise).
Caetlin and Daddy.
She's my big girl.
With the ducks.
How could you resist that face?
Okay, that should be enough red meat for the base for now. More later.
27 Weeks
I had my 27 week appointment this week, where they did my glucose screening test, which I passed easily. I also got my Rhogam shot, which is something to do with the Rh factor- I am A negative blood type, and if Bruce has a positive blood type, Segunda could possibly be positive as well, which could cause problems between her body and mine. We've not bothered to find out Bruce's blood type to rule out whether we need the shot or not. It's just one shot at 27 weeks, and I'll need more after delivery if Segunda is positive. Caetlin was not positive, so I didn't have it after delivery with her.
I'm told that is the last bloodwork to be done for the rest of the pregnancy- woo-hoo! I don't mind needles but one does feel a bit like a pincushion after awhile. Segunda is measuring right on schedule, maybe a day or two behind, but nothing that would call my due date, which is an approximation anyway, into question. She's also apparently turned head down, which makes me happy happy happy. Not because she should be head down, which she should at some point, but because she- well, she had a tendency to kick me along my pelvic floor. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Ladies, think of the parts that are in your pelvic floor. Now imagine being kicked in them- from the inside. Yep, not fun. Extremely uncomfortable. Now I have her hooking her feet around my ribs. I'll take the ribs.
13 weeks to go. That feels simultaneously really long and really short. Anyway, I thought I'd try my hand at a belly picture or two. You can see that my belly button is almost flat by now. I have enough of an innie that it never pops out, but it does flatten out.
I'm told that is the last bloodwork to be done for the rest of the pregnancy- woo-hoo! I don't mind needles but one does feel a bit like a pincushion after awhile. Segunda is measuring right on schedule, maybe a day or two behind, but nothing that would call my due date, which is an approximation anyway, into question. She's also apparently turned head down, which makes me happy happy happy. Not because she should be head down, which she should at some point, but because she- well, she had a tendency to kick me along my pelvic floor. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Ladies, think of the parts that are in your pelvic floor. Now imagine being kicked in them- from the inside. Yep, not fun. Extremely uncomfortable. Now I have her hooking her feet around my ribs. I'll take the ribs.
13 weeks to go. That feels simultaneously really long and really short. Anyway, I thought I'd try my hand at a belly picture or two. You can see that my belly button is almost flat by now. I have enough of an innie that it never pops out, but it does flatten out.
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