We actually went out, not to the movies for once, and saw Mike Doughty perform last night. He used to head up the band Soul Coughing (their big hit was "Circles"), and went out on his own after the band broke up. His first full-length album, Haughty Melodic, was brilliant, and accompanied us on our honeymoon back in August 2005. Even today, when I hear any of the tracks on that album, I can see the roads we traveled through the Middle of Nowhere, Maine. I envision Niagara Falls and the stunningly pretty day we saw them. I remember the prairies of South Dakota, the mountains of Wyoming and Montana, and the weirdness of Yellowstone. It is good road music, is what I'm saying, and it remains evocative to this day.
His new album is just released, Golden Delicious. I haven't had the hard listening time with it yet, but so far, I like it almost as much as Haughty Melodic. Bruce managed to find out about a free show he was going to play, at Criminal Records in Little Five Points. He played an awesome 45 minute set, acoustic, taking requests from the audience. He was quite the stickler about people not interrupting his performance, which I appreciated. It was great- I was almost directly in front of him, up on a ramp and a few feet away, and though there was a comic book rack in the way, necessitating that I stand on tiptoes, I had a great view, otherwise unobstructed.
Driving away, trying to decide what else we would rather do, I happened to visit Mike Doughty's website, and noticed that he was playing a full set at the Variety Playhouse, also in Little Five Points, later that night. We turned right around and went back, found parking and got tickets. We had Indian food for dinner, and walked into the club about 10 minutes before his band took the stage. It was a great crowd and a great show- everyone was very enthusiastic, it was crowded enough to feel full but not so crowded that I couldn't see or had personal space issues. The band was fantastic; they played a smattering of the great old stuff, and a bunch of great new stuff too. They had a great sense of humor too- Mike announced at one point that it was a "critical juncture in the show." It was the song before the Fake Last Song. During the next song, he announced, they would do the big rock-n-roll finish, introduce every band member in a counterclockwise direction using their entire Christian names, and then they would all face the back of the stage while we clapped (or not), and then they would turn around for the Encore. They decided that facing the back of the stage was easier than walking off and coming back.
And that's exactly how it all played out. I thought it was quite entertaining that they announced it all in advance.
Anyway, it was a great show, great energy, lots of fun. Check out Haughty Melodic and Golden Delicious when you have a hankering for some great songwriting and catchy alt rock with some experimental bits.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Of Course
Because we were set to go on vacation next week, of course my daughter has come down with the first cold she's had, oh, since our last vacation. It's been a good while since her last one, anyway. She has an immune system like clockwork.
But wait, you say. If she's sick now, it means she probably will be mostly recovered then. Yes, yes she will. Selfish as it may seem, it's not really her health I am concerned about. Let's see...she started being symptomatic yesterday, I can avoid it for three days, add two for incubation... aaannnndd I predict that I'm getting sick right around Thursday of this week. Which will make my vacation just peachy.
Bruce says I shouldn't write about this, "Because it's like The Secret, only like it's a bad Secret. You'll make it come true by thinking about it and writing about it." It's the Power of Negative Thinking all the way around here these days.
But wait, you say. If she's sick now, it means she probably will be mostly recovered then. Yes, yes she will. Selfish as it may seem, it's not really her health I am concerned about. Let's see...she started being symptomatic yesterday, I can avoid it for three days, add two for incubation... aaannnndd I predict that I'm getting sick right around Thursday of this week. Which will make my vacation just peachy.
Bruce says I shouldn't write about this, "Because it's like The Secret, only like it's a bad Secret. You'll make it come true by thinking about it and writing about it." It's the Power of Negative Thinking all the way around here these days.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Happy Easter!
My dad and stepmom came down, and we and my sister and brother-in-law went to breakfast and then to Kennesaw Mountain National Battlefield Park.
Caetlin had a really awesome time. We all did. Happy Easter!
UPDATE: I should note that Caetlin is not unhappy in that last picture, just tired. We walked to the field she's pictured in above, which all told was maybe a mile, and she spent most of the walk back on Daddy's shoulders. She was pretty pooped by then.
Friday, March 21, 2008
My Knees Hurt
I had this whole post written yesterday, about how I had taken a walk to a law firm up the street, and how it had turned into this big ordeal, but what it turns out I really wanted to write about was the fact that I fell down and skinned my knees. It hurt, and continues to hurt today.
Here's the relevant part:
I rolled my ankle in my heels, and I pitched onto the concrete. I ruined my shoes, scraping the leather off the entire toe of one of them, and skinned my knees horribly, though thankfully my pants were not torn. Skinning one's knees is just such a grade school thing to do, and I thought of my daughter and how she cries immediately and forcefully when she skins a knee or her hands or bumps her head. I had new sympathy for her right then- we forget how much skinning one's knee really stings, besides being a really kid-like injury.
My knees hurt and my shoes are in the trash, and that's pretty much all there was noteworthy about that.
Here's the relevant part:
I rolled my ankle in my heels, and I pitched onto the concrete. I ruined my shoes, scraping the leather off the entire toe of one of them, and skinned my knees horribly, though thankfully my pants were not torn. Skinning one's knees is just such a grade school thing to do, and I thought of my daughter and how she cries immediately and forcefully when she skins a knee or her hands or bumps her head. I had new sympathy for her right then- we forget how much skinning one's knee really stings, besides being a really kid-like injury.
My knees hurt and my shoes are in the trash, and that's pretty much all there was noteworthy about that.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Sad
So, Georgia was unable to hold on against Xavier today. I was disappointed, but I think it is worth remembering that they weren't supposed to win, and that they performed better than they had any right to expect by leading for most of the game. I actually watched the whole thing, and about halfway through the second half, it looked like their- for lack of a better word- immaturity caught up with them. Not chronological immaturity, but emotional immaturity. They started playing sloppily, flailing about. And then they couldn't come back.
Still, a great end to a bad season. Hopefully they can recruit this year.
Still, a great end to a bad season. Hopefully they can recruit this year.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Things I Did Today
Today, I did these things:
1. Closed a deal. Actually, spent two-thirds of the day closing the deal, working email and the phone, stress churning my stomach into bright knots of pain. The deal itself was not hard, but because of a few extenuating circumstances with things my client needed to deliver, the outcome was in doubt until it actually funded. Also, my client is on the other side of the world, so it grew more and more difficult to get things done as it got later and later at night where they are.
1a. Spoke to people in three different countries.
2. Had to tell someone on a conference call (unrelated to the deal mentioned above), "No one here really cares who screwed up or is interested in pointing fingers. We just want to make sure it gets fixed." The person I was telling this to was definitely the screw up.
3. Taught my daughter to sit down in order to do the"Nose to Toes" yoga position that we're learning in our baby yoga class. If she tries to do it standing up, gravity makes actually bringing her nose to her toes (without bodily injury) very difficult.
4. Heard my daughter tell me she loves me, unprompted, after I asked her to give me a kiss.
5. When playing with her foam bath letters and numbers, realized that my daughter knows the number 7, and taught her how a W can be an M if you turn it upside down.
6. Wore myself out lifting weights tonight after Caetlin went to bed.
7. Had a tasty meatball sub for dinner- Bruce makes the best meatballs ever.
8. Watched a little America's Next Top Model (oh yes, yes I did. I am not ashamed. Nope. I own my crappy taste in TV).
9. Wrote a blog post.
10. Collapsed gratefully into bed, knowing that I won't get any emails in the middle of the night, at least not of any substance. Knowing that I don't need to wake up early in the morning to work, and knowing that there is a decent chance I actually will get to take a long lunch to go watch the Georgia game tomorrow.
So ends yet another day of "having it all." Was this what our moms' generation meant when they broke through the glass ceiling for us?
1. Closed a deal. Actually, spent two-thirds of the day closing the deal, working email and the phone, stress churning my stomach into bright knots of pain. The deal itself was not hard, but because of a few extenuating circumstances with things my client needed to deliver, the outcome was in doubt until it actually funded. Also, my client is on the other side of the world, so it grew more and more difficult to get things done as it got later and later at night where they are.
1a. Spoke to people in three different countries.
2. Had to tell someone on a conference call (unrelated to the deal mentioned above), "No one here really cares who screwed up or is interested in pointing fingers. We just want to make sure it gets fixed." The person I was telling this to was definitely the screw up.
3. Taught my daughter to sit down in order to do the"Nose to Toes" yoga position that we're learning in our baby yoga class. If she tries to do it standing up, gravity makes actually bringing her nose to her toes (without bodily injury) very difficult.
4. Heard my daughter tell me she loves me, unprompted, after I asked her to give me a kiss.
5. When playing with her foam bath letters and numbers, realized that my daughter knows the number 7, and taught her how a W can be an M if you turn it upside down.
6. Wore myself out lifting weights tonight after Caetlin went to bed.
7. Had a tasty meatball sub for dinner- Bruce makes the best meatballs ever.
8. Watched a little America's Next Top Model (oh yes, yes I did. I am not ashamed. Nope. I own my crappy taste in TV).
9. Wrote a blog post.
10. Collapsed gratefully into bed, knowing that I won't get any emails in the middle of the night, at least not of any substance. Knowing that I don't need to wake up early in the morning to work, and knowing that there is a decent chance I actually will get to take a long lunch to go watch the Georgia game tomorrow.
So ends yet another day of "having it all." Was this what our moms' generation meant when they broke through the glass ceiling for us?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Wish For Spring
Yesterday, it smelled like spring when I walked out the door to go to work. It was the kind of day that, when I was a kid, even all the way through college, I would wear shorts to school even though it wasn't close to warm enough. I would freeze all day, and protest through my shivers, "But it should be warm enough!" It smelled fresh and cool, and of growing things.
Driving home for lunch today, I noticed that it seems like the trees have started flowering almost overnight. Last week, it was still cold and grey and the trees scratched the sky with their bare limbs. Today white and pink line the roads, even on the short drive from the office to the house. A smear of green here and there. Many colors of tulips closer to the ground.
The Allman Brothers' "Blue Sky" has been running through my head for the last few days. It's a spring song, to me, a happy song of love and of course gorgeous guitar. I had an appreciation for the Allman Brothers bestowed upon me in college that has never left me, for which I remain grateful.
I'm ready for warmer weather, sunny days, bluer skies. I know that soon it will be too hot to breathe, that I will daily battle bad hair and high power bills in all the humidity, but for now, I'm ready for a change from the dreariness.
Driving home for lunch today, I noticed that it seems like the trees have started flowering almost overnight. Last week, it was still cold and grey and the trees scratched the sky with their bare limbs. Today white and pink line the roads, even on the short drive from the office to the house. A smear of green here and there. Many colors of tulips closer to the ground.
The Allman Brothers' "Blue Sky" has been running through my head for the last few days. It's a spring song, to me, a happy song of love and of course gorgeous guitar. I had an appreciation for the Allman Brothers bestowed upon me in college that has never left me, for which I remain grateful.
I'm ready for warmer weather, sunny days, bluer skies. I know that soon it will be too hot to breathe, that I will daily battle bad hair and high power bills in all the humidity, but for now, I'm ready for a change from the dreariness.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Damn You, National Weather Service!
Well, because of the storm last night at the Georgia Dome, Georgia had to play its game against Kentucky this afternoon, at Georgia Tech. It was a weird game, since the SEC allowed only family and school representatives into the arena- the capacity is so much smaller than at the Dome, they felt they had no way of fairly allowing ticket holders in. So they played in a mostly-empty arena, the cheerleaders cheering to vacant bleachers, the sound of the bands clearly audible and probably echoing off the rafters.
So it was strange to begin with. Georgia took an early lead but it was close at the half, and remained close the rest of the game. It went to overtime, with Georgia's primary offensive weapon on the bench having fouled out. Kentucky went up by 2 with 8.8 seconds left...
And the National Weather Service broke in. To tell me there is severe weather in the area, and I should "take cover." Which, this announcement is coming to me via cable. I'm in my house. If I'm not covered enough, there's not much the National Weather Service can do about it. Funnily enough, it wasn't even raining in our area at the time.
The next time the game came back on, there were 1.2 seconds left, and Georgia was up by 4. Whaaa??? Damn you, National Weather Service!
I'll take the win, though it's really cruddy that Georgia was up last night, and then has to play two games on the same day. Still, they are doing pretty well against Mississippi State, so maybe it won't matter too much. I will say that I don't have high hopes for the championship if Georgia does win; three games in two days is an awful lot to ask of the team.
Go Dawgs!
UPDATE: Wow, how did they manage to win today against Arkansas?? What fortitude, to win 4 games in 4 days. And now they are in the NCAA tournament. No doubt many think they don't belong there, and probably they have a worse record than most of the other 64 teams. But they are in, and Dennis Felton should be able to rest easy about his job, at least for this year. Maybe they will be able to actually recruit some next year.
So it was strange to begin with. Georgia took an early lead but it was close at the half, and remained close the rest of the game. It went to overtime, with Georgia's primary offensive weapon on the bench having fouled out. Kentucky went up by 2 with 8.8 seconds left...
And the National Weather Service broke in. To tell me there is severe weather in the area, and I should "take cover." Which, this announcement is coming to me via cable. I'm in my house. If I'm not covered enough, there's not much the National Weather Service can do about it. Funnily enough, it wasn't even raining in our area at the time.
The next time the game came back on, there were 1.2 seconds left, and Georgia was up by 4. Whaaa??? Damn you, National Weather Service!
I'll take the win, though it's really cruddy that Georgia was up last night, and then has to play two games on the same day. Still, they are doing pretty well against Mississippi State, so maybe it won't matter too much. I will say that I don't have high hopes for the championship if Georgia does win; three games in two days is an awful lot to ask of the team.
Go Dawgs!
UPDATE: Wow, how did they manage to win today against Arkansas?? What fortitude, to win 4 games in 4 days. And now they are in the NCAA tournament. No doubt many think they don't belong there, and probably they have a worse record than most of the other 64 teams. But they are in, and Dennis Felton should be able to rest easy about his job, at least for this year. Maybe they will be able to actually recruit some next year.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Grump
So, I mostly recovered by about mid-afternoon yesterday, except for feeling a little weak from dehydration. Some water and some sleep, and I was back in business this morning, if not exactly ready to face the cafe again. So that was good.
And it really was good, because I have had the busiest day I have had in awhile. And it's not over yet. It kind of all stems from one project, that I'm overdue on (of course), but that requires large chunks of time at once to complete. I don't have large chunks of time at once. Except at like 3 a.m. I had to spend 3 hours on one phone call this morning, which totally blew my morning, despite that it was an extremely necessary and productive call. Then, I received a grace period from my client to turn that phone call into product...until tomorrow (as opposed to this afternoon, which would have just killed me). But I didn't get to that whole phone-call-into-written-product alchemy this afternoon at all. Not one bit. No, I was caught up on a deal that is struggling because of the market, and my client is freaking out, and we have to close next Wednesday! (!!!!)
When I put those fires out (or tempered them to a low smolder, anyway), I had to deal with some other stuff that needed my attention right now, mostly because it was heading toward 5 p.m. in Texas, where the relevant people live and work, and I had to make sure I caught them before they went home. Because, you know, they get to go home at 5. Lucky stiffs.
We had a temp nanny for Caetlin today (who wore her little tush out, I have to say. She was great), so we had to get home right on time, which meant leaving the office at 6:10 and hoping for the best, traffic-wise. Two-thirds of the way home, I got an email that it was pretty clear I needed to respond to tonight. Except the relevant document was sitting on my desk. 3 miles behind us. Grrr. As soon as we got home, I kissed the baby and turned right back around and went back to the office. As I was walking into the building from the parking lot, I saw the person who had emailed me. On his way out of the parking lot. GRRRR.
The email took me 5 minutes, so I turned around and went back, 30 minutes after I left. On the way home, I got an email that reminded me: I had missed a conference call this afternoon. SHIT! With no explanatory or apologetic email from me at all. Fortunately, I wasn't terribly necessary, but I called the person leading the call to apologize. Yeah, figuring out how to dial by last name is fun when there isn't the standard touch tone phone lettering on my blackberry keyboard. Figuring it out while driving-- now that's a party.
I got home to a terribly cranky child, worn out as she was by her exciting day (she went to the mall. That puts me in mind of this, which still makes me laugh.) She headbutted me tonight when I was trying to put her to bed, then slapped me in the face. Ahh, toddlers!
Now I have a good number of hours to work tonight (see: large chunks of time at once, above). And I'm tired, still tired from yesterday, and tired too because I'm not getting enough sleep. That won't be changing tonight, I'm afraid.
I don't get paid enough to be this busy. Grump.
And it really was good, because I have had the busiest day I have had in awhile. And it's not over yet. It kind of all stems from one project, that I'm overdue on (of course), but that requires large chunks of time at once to complete. I don't have large chunks of time at once. Except at like 3 a.m. I had to spend 3 hours on one phone call this morning, which totally blew my morning, despite that it was an extremely necessary and productive call. Then, I received a grace period from my client to turn that phone call into product...until tomorrow (as opposed to this afternoon, which would have just killed me). But I didn't get to that whole phone-call-into-written-product alchemy this afternoon at all. Not one bit. No, I was caught up on a deal that is struggling because of the market, and my client is freaking out, and we have to close next Wednesday! (!!!!)
When I put those fires out (or tempered them to a low smolder, anyway), I had to deal with some other stuff that needed my attention right now, mostly because it was heading toward 5 p.m. in Texas, where the relevant people live and work, and I had to make sure I caught them before they went home. Because, you know, they get to go home at 5. Lucky stiffs.
We had a temp nanny for Caetlin today (who wore her little tush out, I have to say. She was great), so we had to get home right on time, which meant leaving the office at 6:10 and hoping for the best, traffic-wise. Two-thirds of the way home, I got an email that it was pretty clear I needed to respond to tonight. Except the relevant document was sitting on my desk. 3 miles behind us. Grrr. As soon as we got home, I kissed the baby and turned right back around and went back to the office. As I was walking into the building from the parking lot, I saw the person who had emailed me. On his way out of the parking lot. GRRRR.
The email took me 5 minutes, so I turned around and went back, 30 minutes after I left. On the way home, I got an email that reminded me: I had missed a conference call this afternoon. SHIT! With no explanatory or apologetic email from me at all. Fortunately, I wasn't terribly necessary, but I called the person leading the call to apologize. Yeah, figuring out how to dial by last name is fun when there isn't the standard touch tone phone lettering on my blackberry keyboard. Figuring it out while driving-- now that's a party.
I got home to a terribly cranky child, worn out as she was by her exciting day (she went to the mall. That puts me in mind of this, which still makes me laugh.) She headbutted me tonight when I was trying to put her to bed, then slapped me in the face. Ahh, toddlers!
Now I have a good number of hours to work tonight (see: large chunks of time at once, above). And I'm tired, still tired from yesterday, and tired too because I'm not getting enough sleep. That won't be changing tonight, I'm afraid.
I don't get paid enough to be this busy. Grump.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Yaaack
I am so sick. I think I did this to myself, by eating that turkey noodle soup from the cafe at work for dinner, when I had intended to have it for lunch, and it had been sitting on my desk all that time. Let this be a lesson unto me: thou shalt not be cavalier about refrigeration.
I will spare you the (exceedingly) messy details. Just...yaaack.
I will spare you the (exceedingly) messy details. Just...yaaack.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Adorableness
Caetlin has started intermittently saying, "I love you," to me and to Bruce, usually in response after we say it to her. It comes out kind of like, "Ahluff yuuuu." So last night, Bruce had gone in to try to get her to go to sleep (a full diaper was the roadblock there), and she was so affectionate with him. She hugged him without him having to ask, and she stroked his arm when he was holding her. Then, in her little baby voice, "Ahluff yuuuu."
I'm still cleaning the puddle of Bruce off the nursery floor. If she had asked him to rob a bank for her right then, he would have started planning the heist.
Too cute.
I'm still cleaning the puddle of Bruce off the nursery floor. If she had asked him to rob a bank for her right then, he would have started planning the heist.
Too cute.
I Am A Dork. And Embarrassed By That Fact.
So, tonight I committed the worst possible breach of Google-stalking/getting back in touch with someone from one's past etiquette. I pushed the issue.
The person in question is my ex, and I broke up with him (10 years ago! How could it have been such a long time already?), so he may not be too thrilled to hear from me anyway. I kind of slightly tracked him down a couple of months ago, but a friend of mine who at least used to be a friend of his tipped me to a current email address and phone number. Like the idiot I apparently am, I sent an email. Then thought it might get swept away unnoticed in a spam filter. So I sent it again two days later with the spam filter explanation and a couple of tweaks to make it less likely to pass by unnoticed.
And then- here's where it gets really embarrassing- a day later, I called him. On the phone. In my (only slight) defense, I thought there was a good chance I was calling a dedicated work line, that I would get voicemail. I was just freaky impatient- what if he doesn't use or check that email address any more? What if he's just blowing me off (which, you know, should have been his prerogative)? What if he's out of town? What if he's moved away and none of these numbers/addresses work any more? My better sense told me to wait, give it some time.
My better sense lost, and how.
He answered the phone (apparently a cell, or forwarded to a cell). He was pretty unenthused to hear from me, I think. Is that lack of enthusiasm a function of timing? Maybe, as he's on vacation (I should have listened to myself!). Or a function of me bugging the shit out of him over the last three days? Maybe that too. It's also entirely possible- I'd lay about even odds- that he would prefer never to hear my name or voice again. Anyway, he was perfectly polite, mentioned that he had received my email, and said he would get back to me when he gets back. We'll see. If he responds- he may not- it may be a short and sweet fuck you. He has no reason to want me back in his life, after all.
I'm mortified by my behavior, of course. And I'm left to wonder: why am I so consumed by the thought of getting back in touch with this person?
It's kind of a jumble in my head, as much as I have been thinking about it. I think one big reason has to do with connection here in Atlanta- I have almost no one to connect with here, and I'm seeking some of that. What better place to start than someone who used to know me better than anyone else? I realize how flawed that reasoning is, but I keep coming back to it. Listen, I think we've already established that I don't necessarily listen to my better judgment.
Added on top of that is the feeling that I miss him. Not the relationship we used to have; I'm perfectly happy in my relationship with Bruce, thanks. No, what I miss is that person in my life; I think I have never quite stopped grieving that I had to lose him- his friendship, his presence, the ways in which he enhanced my life- in losing the romantic involvement. Note that I don't blame him for that; I hurt him pretty badly. I don't blame him in the slightest if he chooses not to talk to me now. It would be the price I will have to pay for not continuing our relationship so many years ago, and I would deserve to have to bear it.
Then finally, layered on top of those other things, is a curiosity about who he is now. His bio info online paints an impressive picture; by all accounts he has been quite successful (not that I ever doubted that he would be- he was always too smart for me). But what sort of person has he grown into? What does he look like? Is he married? Kids? How has he changed, how is he the same?
I think part of this interest has been piqued because Bruce has recently reconnected with an old female friend of his- not an ex, but apparently it wasn't for lack of trying. For them, the timing never worked out. But his reminiscings, plus her enthusiasm for contact with him, started me thinking about people from my past that I would want to talk to again. Also there's that thing of finding refuge in the past. The past has been on my mind a lot lately. Because I am uncertain or worried about the future? Maybe.
Anyway, we'll see (or not) what he thinks about me (or doesn't) next week, if I can get over my mortification. In some sense, I can let it all go now that I have managed to embarrass myself so thoroughly.
The person in question is my ex, and I broke up with him (10 years ago! How could it have been such a long time already?), so he may not be too thrilled to hear from me anyway. I kind of slightly tracked him down a couple of months ago, but a friend of mine who at least used to be a friend of his tipped me to a current email address and phone number. Like the idiot I apparently am, I sent an email. Then thought it might get swept away unnoticed in a spam filter. So I sent it again two days later with the spam filter explanation and a couple of tweaks to make it less likely to pass by unnoticed.
And then- here's where it gets really embarrassing- a day later, I called him. On the phone. In my (only slight) defense, I thought there was a good chance I was calling a dedicated work line, that I would get voicemail. I was just freaky impatient- what if he doesn't use or check that email address any more? What if he's just blowing me off (which, you know, should have been his prerogative)? What if he's out of town? What if he's moved away and none of these numbers/addresses work any more? My better sense told me to wait, give it some time.
My better sense lost, and how.
He answered the phone (apparently a cell, or forwarded to a cell). He was pretty unenthused to hear from me, I think. Is that lack of enthusiasm a function of timing? Maybe, as he's on vacation (I should have listened to myself!). Or a function of me bugging the shit out of him over the last three days? Maybe that too. It's also entirely possible- I'd lay about even odds- that he would prefer never to hear my name or voice again. Anyway, he was perfectly polite, mentioned that he had received my email, and said he would get back to me when he gets back. We'll see. If he responds- he may not- it may be a short and sweet fuck you. He has no reason to want me back in his life, after all.
I'm mortified by my behavior, of course. And I'm left to wonder: why am I so consumed by the thought of getting back in touch with this person?
It's kind of a jumble in my head, as much as I have been thinking about it. I think one big reason has to do with connection here in Atlanta- I have almost no one to connect with here, and I'm seeking some of that. What better place to start than someone who used to know me better than anyone else? I realize how flawed that reasoning is, but I keep coming back to it. Listen, I think we've already established that I don't necessarily listen to my better judgment.
Added on top of that is the feeling that I miss him. Not the relationship we used to have; I'm perfectly happy in my relationship with Bruce, thanks. No, what I miss is that person in my life; I think I have never quite stopped grieving that I had to lose him- his friendship, his presence, the ways in which he enhanced my life- in losing the romantic involvement. Note that I don't blame him for that; I hurt him pretty badly. I don't blame him in the slightest if he chooses not to talk to me now. It would be the price I will have to pay for not continuing our relationship so many years ago, and I would deserve to have to bear it.
Then finally, layered on top of those other things, is a curiosity about who he is now. His bio info online paints an impressive picture; by all accounts he has been quite successful (not that I ever doubted that he would be- he was always too smart for me). But what sort of person has he grown into? What does he look like? Is he married? Kids? How has he changed, how is he the same?
I think part of this interest has been piqued because Bruce has recently reconnected with an old female friend of his- not an ex, but apparently it wasn't for lack of trying. For them, the timing never worked out. But his reminiscings, plus her enthusiasm for contact with him, started me thinking about people from my past that I would want to talk to again. Also there's that thing of finding refuge in the past. The past has been on my mind a lot lately. Because I am uncertain or worried about the future? Maybe.
Anyway, we'll see (or not) what he thinks about me (or doesn't) next week, if I can get over my mortification. In some sense, I can let it all go now that I have managed to embarrass myself so thoroughly.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Home is Where the House Is
We may be selling our house in Charlotte. It breaks my heart- I love that house, love that neighborhood. That's the house we brought Caetlin home to! I have all these memories of that house- in my head the sun always shines on it. Even now thinking of selling the house leaves me bereft. I am selling my home, to a large extent. To the extent my home is centered on a place, rather than with my family, that house is it.
But, as I have said to Bruce, holding on to a house for only sentimental reasons is the ultimate example of pack-rattery, and it doesn't look like we'll be going back anytime soon, if ever. The market is so depressed in Charlotte; there is no opportunity for either of us to get a job there. By the time the market recovers enough, we will probably have moved on to somewhere, and something, different.
Plus, our renter has asked to buy the house, and when we told him our price, he thought it was fair and that he needed to talk to his wife about it. The price is what we thought would be fair, given that the neighborhood is still hot, and also that we are not having to pay a broker. If we can sell at this price, we will clear enough to eliminate our remaining debt (student loans, plus a small amount of credit card debt) entirely. As in, be 100% debt free. That's a powerful draw.
We would also have a substantial nut to invest. We are already maxing out our 401K accounts each year, and we have several other investment accounts apart from those that we can put this cash into. We probably will not buy another house until we decide where we want to be for longer than a couple years at a time. Interest rates are higher now than they were when we bought the house, and we can't bank on rapid appreciation as we have been able to do in the last few years. Owning a house only makes sense financially if you stay in it for about 10 years. Otherwise, we can invest for a better return. Plus we will have enough in a non-tax-deferred account to have a down payment more or less any time we decide to buy. The other thing for me- we're in a great school district in our rental house, and we couldn't buy a house in this school district for as cheaply as we're renting. I'm not willing to give that up unless we are positive we will be here for a good while.
So, I think we will be selling the house. If I dwell on that thought too long, I will be really saddened by that, by what that represents. But it makes too much financial sense not to, and it really doesn't make much financial sense to keep it. Renting it is a hassle, and it doesn't quite cover our principal, interest, taxes and insurance every month. We would be foolish, I think, to gamble that the house will continue to appreciate in this market, even though that particular neighborhood remains pretty hot. So all signs point to yes that it is a good thing to go ahead and cash out.
I'm still sad about it. Bruce keeps asking me if I'm okay with it, and I tell him that I just can't go back to Charlotte until it's done. If I have to go look at it, I will lose my resolve. I miss that house, that neighborhood. I miss my friends there. But, as I tell him, I have my memories, whether I have the house to go with them or not.
But, as I have said to Bruce, holding on to a house for only sentimental reasons is the ultimate example of pack-rattery, and it doesn't look like we'll be going back anytime soon, if ever. The market is so depressed in Charlotte; there is no opportunity for either of us to get a job there. By the time the market recovers enough, we will probably have moved on to somewhere, and something, different.
Plus, our renter has asked to buy the house, and when we told him our price, he thought it was fair and that he needed to talk to his wife about it. The price is what we thought would be fair, given that the neighborhood is still hot, and also that we are not having to pay a broker. If we can sell at this price, we will clear enough to eliminate our remaining debt (student loans, plus a small amount of credit card debt) entirely. As in, be 100% debt free. That's a powerful draw.
We would also have a substantial nut to invest. We are already maxing out our 401K accounts each year, and we have several other investment accounts apart from those that we can put this cash into. We probably will not buy another house until we decide where we want to be for longer than a couple years at a time. Interest rates are higher now than they were when we bought the house, and we can't bank on rapid appreciation as we have been able to do in the last few years. Owning a house only makes sense financially if you stay in it for about 10 years. Otherwise, we can invest for a better return. Plus we will have enough in a non-tax-deferred account to have a down payment more or less any time we decide to buy. The other thing for me- we're in a great school district in our rental house, and we couldn't buy a house in this school district for as cheaply as we're renting. I'm not willing to give that up unless we are positive we will be here for a good while.
So, I think we will be selling the house. If I dwell on that thought too long, I will be really saddened by that, by what that represents. But it makes too much financial sense not to, and it really doesn't make much financial sense to keep it. Renting it is a hassle, and it doesn't quite cover our principal, interest, taxes and insurance every month. We would be foolish, I think, to gamble that the house will continue to appreciate in this market, even though that particular neighborhood remains pretty hot. So all signs point to yes that it is a good thing to go ahead and cash out.
I'm still sad about it. Bruce keeps asking me if I'm okay with it, and I tell him that I just can't go back to Charlotte until it's done. If I have to go look at it, I will lose my resolve. I miss that house, that neighborhood. I miss my friends there. But, as I tell him, I have my memories, whether I have the house to go with them or not.
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