Wax Nostalgic

So, I've been up for awhile, trying frantically (or as frantically as possible at 4:30 a.m.) to get the work done this morning that I should have done last night, as well as the work I had slated for the morning. For some reason, in the midst of my (extremely boring) project, I keep having very vivid memories, of times and places I haven't thought of in awhile. Like that Law School-Business School-LBJ School (public policy) mixer where I met "B-School Bill" whom I dated briefly in law school (he was a tool and then some). Like the sun-soaked California coast through the window of the train I took with my dad and stepmom. Like random days at my old firm in Charlotte, both bad and good. I remember having lunch with my friends there, walking to Salsarita's or over to Showmars or to have Crappy Indian. I also remember that one day right before Christmas, when I was in horrible trouble for having gone to have lunch and the client couldn't find me when I was urgently needed (he failed to leave a message, so I did not get the email notification I expected. Also, my secretary had gone to lunch as well. A bad situation all around).

I remember the apartment in Los Angeles, walking over to have House of Pies (best tuna avocado bacon sandwich EVAH) or ordering in from Farfalle. I think of sunny fall afternoons on the porch swing, holding my sleeping infant Caetlin and watching the neighborhood go by. Drinking with girlfriends in Charlotte who subsequently weren't such good friends, the last really big binge when I was early pregnant and didn't know it. Dancing in the nightclubs in the Bahamas right after I graduated from high school, and finding some boy to watch the sun come up over the water with (he was such a random dude).

Why are all these things randomly popping into my head now? Is it because I prefer not to focus on my work? Probably. Is it because I am finding refuge in (mostly) happier times? Maybe that too. Even the bad parts look better now, from the vantage point of time and being in a less-than-ideal situation here. I think sometimes I miss my life before Caetlin, too, especially after times like last night and this weekend, which have been Tantrum City. It's terribly disheartening to come home from an unexpectedly stressful day at work, looking forward to a little bath time, a little story time, and find this raging monster who doesn't even know why she's crying, but she keeps making it worse because she keeps headbutting me and hurting herself (and me). And then I cry, because I can't make her better and because I had so been looking forward to spending a little time with her.

Or it could be hormones and weather (as I'm writing, I just heard a HUGE thunderclap, and then stereotypically it began to absolutely pour immediately after) and lack of sleep. I suppose if I can't sleep and dream, daydreaming memories might be the next best thing.