I'm C-R-A-Z-Y busy at work, spending way too much time with my nose in a computer and far too little time with Caetlin and Bruce, but I wanted to provide a couple of quick updates, if for no other reason than to get that depressing post off the top.
First- Thanksgiving. Apparently, Caetlin will only eat mac and cheese if she can easily recognize it as mac and cheese, because she didn't like the homemade mac and cheese that was presented at Thanksgiving dinner. It was fabulous, so more for me. Also, turkey by itself is really bland, a point that was driven home to me by Caetlin- who is a resolute and happy carnivore- tasting, and then leaving, her turkey.
She was a real trooper, being dragged hither and yon, meeting so many new people. I'll try to post more about it all later (and yes, I know I still owe vacation pictures. I'll get to them. Some day. Expectations shouldn't be too high here- I still haven't put my wedding album together yet. Over three years later).
On the way home, she slept nearly all the way, and while I at first thought it was just because she was tired, after we got home I realized that she was burning up with fever. We dosed her with Motrin and tried to keep her comfortable, but she kept screaming (NOT like her, even when she is sick), so we took her to the emergency room. They determined that it wasn't her ears, and have done a urine culture, but Caetlin is feeling MUCH better today, after having spent a couple of days cranky and feverish. I strongly suspect that it was a reaction to the chicken pox vaccine that she received a week ago last Monday, though it was quite a more dramatic reaction than I was led to expect.
Anyway, she's happy and feeling better. All is right with the world.
Must get back to work now. More later.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Learning to Let Go
WARNING: this post is kind of long, and a bit of a downer, and written more for myself than anyone else. It was also written and posted with only minor editing, so it may not make a lot of sense. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read about what feels to me sometimes like a middle-school drama.
So, I shouldn't be writing this. I should be doing some of the mountains of work I have, and in fact have in front of me. But I can't stop thinking about this, so I thought I might throw a little of it up onto the screen and maybe I'll stop being so bothered by it.
A note of warning- this is not the happy, family news that one might expect from this blog. There's nothing wrong with Caetlin (she's apparently ridiculously healthy and developmentally right on schedule, per her doctor) or Bruce, so don't worry about them. There's nothing seriously wrong with me either- it's just something that bothers me that I'm having trouble letting go of.
I had this friend back in Charlotte. She and I worked together and got really close over the first maybe 6 months I worked at my old firm. We hung out all the time; she and her husband and Bruce and I went out often as a foursome. She was my mentor at work, and I was, for a time, her go-to girl for deals. I loved hanging out with her, though in retrospect, she always made me feel a little insecure. She was known for being hard on people at work, and I wasn't spared (though I wasn't targeted as hard as some people). Anyway, I looked up to her. Respected her. I considered her my best friend in Charlotte.
That all changed when I got pregnant. She dropped me like a hot potato. She didn't hang out with me at all- suddenly it wasn't fun to go out with me if I wasn't going to drink. I don't mean to imply that we were all about the drinking, alcoholic-style. Just that, I guess, we couldn't bond because I couldn't drink, because I was pregnant, whatever. There are/were a ton of issues here, mostly her issues with pregnancy and work and life choices, I think, though I never discussed it with her. She dropped me in favor of the other young female associate in the department, not only socially, but work-wise as well. I think I counted it at some point, and prior to my pregnancy, I did something like three times the deals with her as I did after I became pregnant. This other woman became her right-hand-girl, her constant companion.
I don't know why I should be surprised. When I joined the firm, her former best friend was pregnant. I heard all about how they had previously been joined at the hip. I slid right into the opening presented by their dissolving friendship. It was only clear in hindsight that she had done the same thing to me, replaced me as soon as I got knocked up.
My failing relationship with her was one main reason I was so unhappy at my firm in Charlotte when we chose to move here. I tried to be casual about it, but it cut deeply that she wasn't interested in maintaining a friendship with me because I was going to become a parent. I don't mean to say that she ignored me or anything; we even went out as a foursome still sometimes after Caetlin was born. And her husband has remained nothing but generous and nice. It just wasn't the same, and everyone on the outside could see it.
Not long after we moved, I found out she is now pregnant. I have tried to get in touch with her a couple of times, but my emails are not answered, and yesterday I heard through a mutual friend that her baby shower is coming up, and of course I'm not invited. There's no reason to think I would be; since moving, I have not heard from her at all and our friendship appears dead(though she passed at least one of my emails on to her husband, who remains friendly).
I miss her. Even after all this time, I miss her. I am sorry that I can't share her pregnancy with her, because I'm terribly happy for her. I know she has not been a good friend to me, and I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could just accept that she is not a part of my life, nor really should she be, and move on. She has not treated me well. I know that. But her friendship meant so much to me. I think of her often. My experience with pregnancy was that I drew much closer to women who are moms, sharing this thing with them that is so transcendent. I guess I wish I could be there for her during this time of hers. I suppose that probably means that I feel like maybe we could become friends again over this shared experience- this is something that the other woman in the department can't relate to. Maybe if I were still at my old firm, that's even what would happen.
But I'm not, and it's not, and I need to let it go. She is not a force for good in my life.
I don't think I have linked to it, but there is this FABULOUS website called Tomato Nation. The woman who writes the site is a fantastic writer, terribly entertaining, and she writes an on-again, off-again advice column on the site (off again right now, I think). Her advice is generally really, really good, usually advising people to do something they already know they need to do. I've been spending way too much time reading through the archives, and one theme that is revisited over and over (and over!) again is this: you have to accept it when people don't want to associate with you. You have to learn to live without them by, well, living without them. It sucks and it hurts and you get through one day at a time without the person and after awhile it doesn't hurt as much.
It's not as acute for me as a romantic breakup, but it's a breakup nonetheless. Living without my friend is not that hard- I do it every day. Certainly it's not like there's any contact with her. I just wish I could skip the parts that hurt. I wish I could erase the hope in me that at some random point I'll see an email pop up from her. I wish I could let her go, realize that we're not going to be friends any more. Maybe it hurts also that it is now apparent that our friendship was pretty superficial to begin with. She meant a lot to me; me, not so much to her, I don't think.
I'd like to hope that posting this is my first step toward letting it all go.
So, I shouldn't be writing this. I should be doing some of the mountains of work I have, and in fact have in front of me. But I can't stop thinking about this, so I thought I might throw a little of it up onto the screen and maybe I'll stop being so bothered by it.
A note of warning- this is not the happy, family news that one might expect from this blog. There's nothing wrong with Caetlin (she's apparently ridiculously healthy and developmentally right on schedule, per her doctor) or Bruce, so don't worry about them. There's nothing seriously wrong with me either- it's just something that bothers me that I'm having trouble letting go of.
I had this friend back in Charlotte. She and I worked together and got really close over the first maybe 6 months I worked at my old firm. We hung out all the time; she and her husband and Bruce and I went out often as a foursome. She was my mentor at work, and I was, for a time, her go-to girl for deals. I loved hanging out with her, though in retrospect, she always made me feel a little insecure. She was known for being hard on people at work, and I wasn't spared (though I wasn't targeted as hard as some people). Anyway, I looked up to her. Respected her. I considered her my best friend in Charlotte.
That all changed when I got pregnant. She dropped me like a hot potato. She didn't hang out with me at all- suddenly it wasn't fun to go out with me if I wasn't going to drink. I don't mean to imply that we were all about the drinking, alcoholic-style. Just that, I guess, we couldn't bond because I couldn't drink, because I was pregnant, whatever. There are/were a ton of issues here, mostly her issues with pregnancy and work and life choices, I think, though I never discussed it with her. She dropped me in favor of the other young female associate in the department, not only socially, but work-wise as well. I think I counted it at some point, and prior to my pregnancy, I did something like three times the deals with her as I did after I became pregnant. This other woman became her right-hand-girl, her constant companion.
I don't know why I should be surprised. When I joined the firm, her former best friend was pregnant. I heard all about how they had previously been joined at the hip. I slid right into the opening presented by their dissolving friendship. It was only clear in hindsight that she had done the same thing to me, replaced me as soon as I got knocked up.
My failing relationship with her was one main reason I was so unhappy at my firm in Charlotte when we chose to move here. I tried to be casual about it, but it cut deeply that she wasn't interested in maintaining a friendship with me because I was going to become a parent. I don't mean to say that she ignored me or anything; we even went out as a foursome still sometimes after Caetlin was born. And her husband has remained nothing but generous and nice. It just wasn't the same, and everyone on the outside could see it.
Not long after we moved, I found out she is now pregnant. I have tried to get in touch with her a couple of times, but my emails are not answered, and yesterday I heard through a mutual friend that her baby shower is coming up, and of course I'm not invited. There's no reason to think I would be; since moving, I have not heard from her at all and our friendship appears dead(though she passed at least one of my emails on to her husband, who remains friendly).
I miss her. Even after all this time, I miss her. I am sorry that I can't share her pregnancy with her, because I'm terribly happy for her. I know she has not been a good friend to me, and I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could just accept that she is not a part of my life, nor really should she be, and move on. She has not treated me well. I know that. But her friendship meant so much to me. I think of her often. My experience with pregnancy was that I drew much closer to women who are moms, sharing this thing with them that is so transcendent. I guess I wish I could be there for her during this time of hers. I suppose that probably means that I feel like maybe we could become friends again over this shared experience- this is something that the other woman in the department can't relate to. Maybe if I were still at my old firm, that's even what would happen.
But I'm not, and it's not, and I need to let it go. She is not a force for good in my life.
I don't think I have linked to it, but there is this FABULOUS website called Tomato Nation. The woman who writes the site is a fantastic writer, terribly entertaining, and she writes an on-again, off-again advice column on the site (off again right now, I think). Her advice is generally really, really good, usually advising people to do something they already know they need to do. I've been spending way too much time reading through the archives, and one theme that is revisited over and over (and over!) again is this: you have to accept it when people don't want to associate with you. You have to learn to live without them by, well, living without them. It sucks and it hurts and you get through one day at a time without the person and after awhile it doesn't hurt as much.
It's not as acute for me as a romantic breakup, but it's a breakup nonetheless. Living without my friend is not that hard- I do it every day. Certainly it's not like there's any contact with her. I just wish I could skip the parts that hurt. I wish I could erase the hope in me that at some random point I'll see an email pop up from her. I wish I could let her go, realize that we're not going to be friends any more. Maybe it hurts also that it is now apparent that our friendship was pretty superficial to begin with. She meant a lot to me; me, not so much to her, I don't think.
I'd like to hope that posting this is my first step toward letting it all go.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Fair Warning
I have suddenly become completely swamped at work, so it may be Thanksgiving weekend before I post again, and maybe not even then, as I may be working over the holiday as well. If Caetlin does something really huge, I'll probably post something about it, but I can't even imagine what that might be right now. She's making huge verbal and physical strides right now, but it's not like she's speaking in complete sentences or anything. If that happens, I'll let you know.
By the way, Go Dawgs. Also, stupid Vanderbilt. And stupid Tennessee. Also, let's go Cats! If Kentucky beats Tennessee next week, Georgia wins the SEC East and goes to the SEC championship against LSU, and probably guarantees itself at least an at-large BCS bowl bid. It probably has that already, assuming it wins against Georgia Tech, but if it goes to the championship, that's even better. Although I was reading something this morning that was saying that maybe it's better for Georgia that Tennessee go to the SEC championship, as that would ensure a Sugar Bowl bid for the Dawgs. Listen, I don't pretend to understand the BCS, so just...Go Dawgs, is all I can say.
Anyway, assume I (and more importantly, the star of our show, Caetlin) am still alive, but it may be radio (internet?) silence for a couple of weeks. C has her 15 month appointment tomorrow, so maybe I'll try to post about those stats, but otherwise, I'll be working my buns off. Regular posting will resume when I can.
By the way, Go Dawgs. Also, stupid Vanderbilt. And stupid Tennessee. Also, let's go Cats! If Kentucky beats Tennessee next week, Georgia wins the SEC East and goes to the SEC championship against LSU, and probably guarantees itself at least an at-large BCS bowl bid. It probably has that already, assuming it wins against Georgia Tech, but if it goes to the championship, that's even better. Although I was reading something this morning that was saying that maybe it's better for Georgia that Tennessee go to the SEC championship, as that would ensure a Sugar Bowl bid for the Dawgs. Listen, I don't pretend to understand the BCS, so just...Go Dawgs, is all I can say.
Anyway, assume I (and more importantly, the star of our show, Caetlin) am still alive, but it may be radio (internet?) silence for a couple of weeks. C has her 15 month appointment tomorrow, so maybe I'll try to post about those stats, but otherwise, I'll be working my buns off. Regular posting will resume when I can.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Saddest Character on Television
Tonight's is apparently the last episode of The Office, since the writers' strike hits the sitcoms the earliest. I have to say that Michael Scott is the saddest character on TV. He is constantly bagged on by the employees in Scranton, by the guys at Corporate, by Jan...and yeah, he deserves it some (most) of the time, but he has a good heart and truly cares about the company and about Jan.
That show has a whole "Tears of a Clown" thing happening that I find brilliant and pathetic and saddening on a weekly basis. The show is hilarious, but more than that, I find the sadness so much more affecting than on any drama.
That show has a whole "Tears of a Clown" thing happening that I find brilliant and pathetic and saddening on a weekly basis. The show is hilarious, but more than that, I find the sadness so much more affecting than on any drama.
Time Waster for a Good Cause
By the way, I ran across this game the other day, and while I don't think too deeply about whether it can actually do any good for world hunger, I find it ridiculously addictive. The thing I work on is boosting my level- there are 50 levels, and I've managed to make it and stay at level 44 for a couple of words. Then I had to, you know, work and all, so I had to quit.
Anyway, check it out for some word-nerd fun.
UPDATE: For a brief shining moment I was at level 49, then crashed down to earth. I seemed to burn out shortly after that. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day...for chasing that elusive 50.
Also, I totally underestimate how many words I sort of know, or can intuit the meaning of, because I read a lot. That's pretty cool. (In a terribly nerdy way.)
Anyway, check it out for some word-nerd fun.
UPDATE: For a brief shining moment I was at level 49, then crashed down to earth. I seemed to burn out shortly after that. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day...for chasing that elusive 50.
Also, I totally underestimate how many words I sort of know, or can intuit the meaning of, because I read a lot. That's pretty cool. (In a terribly nerdy way.)
Still NOT Vacation Pictures
But totally more cuteness anyway.
New words are coming fast and furious lately, and her new word of a couple of days is "happy." We thought it was "apple," which is kind of random, since we're not a huge apple eating family. But a couple of days ago it resolved more clearly into "happy." We think she got it from "If You're Happy and You Know It," which we and her nanny sing to her. So she toddles around the house going, "Happy. Happy. Happy." It's seriously the cutest thing I have seen ever.
We have also taught her how to dance lately, and anything will get her wiggling, including Mommy's changing table renditions of "Itsy Bitsy Spider," Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," and Madonna's "Cherish." Also, this morning, when I brought her into our room to do her a.m. hang-out with Mommy and Daddy, she stood on the bed and held herself up by bracing on her dad, and started, I swear, booty bumping to the random R&B song that was on MTV. (I should clarify that MTV was on because Bruce was watching it and I had just brought Caetlin in; we switched to more baby-appropriate fare immediately after this hilarity.) It's hysterical when she dances, because it consists of a little shoulder-wiggle (well, unless she has Daddy for balance), and she gets so freaking pleased with herself. It's COMPLETELY adorable, and seriously, the cutest thing I have ever seen.
Also, she has discerned that Mommy is good for the cheap laughs of funny faces. She does this thing where she scrunches up her face and purses her lips, and then I do it back at her, and then she does it, and then I do it, and she laughs and laughs and laughs. It delights me so much to hear her laugh, I will be her monkey as long as she wants me to be. Because seriously- cutest thing I have ever seen.
Finally, remember that Mommy rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" mentioned above? I do the hand motions with it when I can. She has started to ask for it by name, in the form of sign language- she puts her hands together and twists them back and forth. It took me a while before I realized what she was doing, and seriously?
Yeah, you know the rest.
New words are coming fast and furious lately, and her new word of a couple of days is "happy." We thought it was "apple," which is kind of random, since we're not a huge apple eating family. But a couple of days ago it resolved more clearly into "happy." We think she got it from "If You're Happy and You Know It," which we and her nanny sing to her. So she toddles around the house going, "Happy. Happy. Happy." It's seriously the cutest thing I have seen ever.
We have also taught her how to dance lately, and anything will get her wiggling, including Mommy's changing table renditions of "Itsy Bitsy Spider," Tchaikovsky's "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy," and Madonna's "Cherish." Also, this morning, when I brought her into our room to do her a.m. hang-out with Mommy and Daddy, she stood on the bed and held herself up by bracing on her dad, and started, I swear, booty bumping to the random R&B song that was on MTV. (I should clarify that MTV was on because Bruce was watching it and I had just brought Caetlin in; we switched to more baby-appropriate fare immediately after this hilarity.) It's hysterical when she dances, because it consists of a little shoulder-wiggle (well, unless she has Daddy for balance), and she gets so freaking pleased with herself. It's COMPLETELY adorable, and seriously, the cutest thing I have ever seen.
Also, she has discerned that Mommy is good for the cheap laughs of funny faces. She does this thing where she scrunches up her face and purses her lips, and then I do it back at her, and then she does it, and then I do it, and she laughs and laughs and laughs. It delights me so much to hear her laugh, I will be her monkey as long as she wants me to be. Because seriously- cutest thing I have ever seen.
Finally, remember that Mommy rendition of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" mentioned above? I do the hand motions with it when I can. She has started to ask for it by name, in the form of sign language- she puts her hands together and twists them back and forth. It took me a while before I realized what she was doing, and seriously?
Yeah, you know the rest.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
New Words
I know I haven't posted about the vacation, and that's not changing today, I don't think, unless I get to it tonight. Also, maybe tomorrow afternoon.
But I did want to mention one new thing: Caetlin has a new word.
She's adding to her vocabulary of about 10 words almost daily; she can now say duck, dog, ball, hi, bye, button, sometimes butterfly, dada, and now finally, mama. She also can sign "more" pretty proficiently. She has also said nekko (sp? Bruce will have to fix that one), which is the Japanese word for cat.
There's no mistaking her newest one, though. We thought we heard it Thursday evening when she was fussing because she was tired and doesn't like to be still for diaper and clothes changes. Then, yesterday morning, in the same diaper-changing scenario, there was no mistaking it.
There, in the midst of her whining, her little voice piped up: "No."
She kind of draws out the N a bit: "Nnno."
Bruce started laughing hysterically, while I just shook my head. "It begins," I said to him in my doomiest and gloomiest voice.
I took her out to her nanny for breakfast, and while I was holding Caetlin and explaining about the new word, she struggled to get down from my arms and busted it out. "Nnno. Nnno. Nnno." Her nanny also burst into laughter. I guess the sound of that little baby voice saying "no" is really funny.
I don't think any of us will be laughing as she breaks that one in, though.
But I did want to mention one new thing: Caetlin has a new word.
She's adding to her vocabulary of about 10 words almost daily; she can now say duck, dog, ball, hi, bye, button, sometimes butterfly, dada, and now finally, mama. She also can sign "more" pretty proficiently. She has also said nekko (sp? Bruce will have to fix that one), which is the Japanese word for cat.
There's no mistaking her newest one, though. We thought we heard it Thursday evening when she was fussing because she was tired and doesn't like to be still for diaper and clothes changes. Then, yesterday morning, in the same diaper-changing scenario, there was no mistaking it.
There, in the midst of her whining, her little voice piped up: "No."
She kind of draws out the N a bit: "Nnno."
Bruce started laughing hysterically, while I just shook my head. "It begins," I said to him in my doomiest and gloomiest voice.
I took her out to her nanny for breakfast, and while I was holding Caetlin and explaining about the new word, she struggled to get down from my arms and busted it out. "Nnno. Nnno. Nnno." Her nanny also burst into laughter. I guess the sound of that little baby voice saying "no" is really funny.
I don't think any of us will be laughing as she breaks that one in, though.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Back From Vacation
So, as I suspected, there was no internet access at the lovely cabin we rented in the wilds of north Georgia, so no blogging occurred. I'll post a longer telling of the week with more pictures, but the quick highlights:
-- I got the promised cold, but so very minorly, I didn't even have to take medicine. Hooray for zinc! I know it's not necessarily proven to work for everyone, but it sure did for me. I think I'll be pounding the Zicam next time Caetlin gets sick.
-- Bruce also got the promised cold, much worse than I did. Poor thing spent the whole trip hacking and sniffling.
-- The weather was absolutely PERFECT. We couldn't have asked for anything better. The first few days, it was even cloudless, but it never came close to raining or even really being overcast.
-- Though the fall colors were not as bright as they normally are, given the horrible drought we've been having, it was still quite pretty. And not lost on our California-bred friends, who observed, "It's all relative," when we bemoaned the skimpy fall. And then proceeded to "Oooh" and "Aaah" appropriately.
-- Caetlin and her "cousin" got along great, though Cousin K was a little rough with Caetlin. It's the age, though- she doesn't get that Caetlin can't quite corner very well yet.
I think this generally sums the week up the best, though.
-- I got the promised cold, but so very minorly, I didn't even have to take medicine. Hooray for zinc! I know it's not necessarily proven to work for everyone, but it sure did for me. I think I'll be pounding the Zicam next time Caetlin gets sick.
-- Bruce also got the promised cold, much worse than I did. Poor thing spent the whole trip hacking and sniffling.
-- The weather was absolutely PERFECT. We couldn't have asked for anything better. The first few days, it was even cloudless, but it never came close to raining or even really being overcast.
-- Though the fall colors were not as bright as they normally are, given the horrible drought we've been having, it was still quite pretty. And not lost on our California-bred friends, who observed, "It's all relative," when we bemoaned the skimpy fall. And then proceeded to "Oooh" and "Aaah" appropriately.
-- Caetlin and her "cousin" got along great, though Cousin K was a little rough with Caetlin. It's the age, though- she doesn't get that Caetlin can't quite corner very well yet.
I think this generally sums the week up the best, though.
More later.
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