It's nearly 5 a.m. I've slept maybe an hour or 45 minutes between 2 and 3 a.m. And maybe another 30 minutes between 12:30 and 1 a.m.? Hard to tell. It hasn't been much, or good or deep sleep, though, that I can attest.
It's been like this, to one degree or another, for about 2 weeks. Some nights I get 4 hours. That hasn't actually happened for awhile, and I would be so incredibly grateful to get 4 hours at this point. Lately it's been more like what I described above: an hour here, half an hour there, plus lots of sleepy dozing and looking at the clock in between. There may be, in fact probably is, sleep happening there, but it's not the good and restful kind, the kind that assuages tired. It's the kind where you don't realize you've slept at all. And the tired just hangs on.
And I am tired. I can feel it in my bones, how tired I am. And I am sleepy too- at some point every night I nod off in front of the TV or computer or whatever book I am reading. And then wake up an hour later, ready to begin my horrible now-routine of doze, toss, turn, arrange pillows, try for change of scenery, doze on guest bed, doze over book or computer, drink the water I habitually keep next to the bed, and pee. I probably go to the toilet every 45 minutes these nights. I drink because I am bored and thirsty, the result of pregnancy and Sudafed. I get up to pee more or less for the same reasons. It gives me something to do.
I just somehow seem to have lost the knack for falling asleep and staying that way.
Google "pregnancy insomnia" and you get lots of burbling advice about managing heartburn, leg cramps, needing to go to the bathroom, and physical discomfort because of the baby belly. Sometimes they might also mention the anxiety of having a baby as a factor. But it doesn't seem like they mean what I'm going through when they talk about "taking a warm bath before bed" as a way to help ease into sleep.
Plus, it doesn't feel like those things are the problem. I'm not hugely uncomfortable- I mean, I am, but I have lived, and slept, with it before. I have thankfully been spared the leg cramps. And if I treated the heartburn before I went to sleep- back when I was actually getting sleep- it didn't bother me most nights, and most others a second swig of Maalox would take care of it. When I was able to sleep, I got up to go to the bathroom maybe twice a night. And I don't feel particularly anxious about things. I mean, yes, there is a huge amount of stressful things happening in my life right now, no question. But it's not as though I lie awake worrying about whether to fire the nanny (still a question) or what's happening with Bruce and Tokyo (answer: nothing, right now, which drives me crazy). I almost never think of these things in the middle of the night. Mostly I try to clear my head and think of nothing, trying to relax, though lately I have been tormented with various Wiggles songs that get stuck in my head.
I will say there is one source of anxiety that rears its scary, ugly head in the dark times before dawn. What if I will never sleep again? What if I have the baby but I don't ever get to dream again, or wake feeling rested, or even unrested but knowing I had been sleeping deeply before Segunda's cries woke me? What if this is my life from now on? Because I am reasonably convinced that this is pregnancy related in some form or fashion, most days I can shrug it off with a "this too shall pass" kind of resignation. Certainly it's not that hard to function during my activity limited days, though occasionally I worry about being sleepy on the drive to or from the doctor's office. But mostly I doze my way through the days more or less the same as I do the nights, never really falling asleep, usually being awakened by the phone ringing or email buzzing or children in the house or leaf blowers outside my window.
But at night, that's when I worry that things will never be "back to normal" in the sleep department. And I wonder how long I can be functional, how long can I be sane, under these circumstances. It's not a nice thing to contemplate.
I try all the tricks I've ever used: progressive relaxation, focusing on my breathing, clearing my head. Just lying still and keeping my eyes closed used to work at least half the time. Now I just drowse in a strange combination of bored and sleepy combined with a compulsion to look at the clock every five minutes. I've never not been able to sleep and I almost don't know how to behave.
I might have mentioned I'm off to the doctor again this morning, and I'm going to ask for something prescription to help me sleep. I have no idea what might be safe, but I need a good night's sleep, in the way that I need air and food right now. And I will try- assuming that regular sleep comes back into my life- never to take it for granted ever again.
Please pray for me. If you don't pray, please think good sleep filled thoughts for me. I need them. I need something, anyway.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Segunda Update: Still Pregnant
I'm still pregnant. Today was 39 weeks. My blood pressure is still high, though still high-normal, so not requiring immediate induction. At my appointment on Tuesday, my regular OB indicated that there is no cervical change; everything was still closed up tight. That can change quickly, of course, but given that my due date is a week from today, it was a little disheartening. We set a definite induction date of next Friday, March 6, if baby hasn't made her appearance by then.
I have a cold that has so far *knock wood* been pretty mild, and I hope to be sufficiently over it when it's time to have the baby, whatever time that is. It's been annoying at worst, but it's also making it tough for me to sleep. I think the bed rest is also interrupting my sleep, in that I suspect I am not active enough for me to sleep at night. I'm getting 1-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night, and the rest of the time I am awake every 20 minutes or so. I'm not ever getting into a deep sleep. I can feel that I am tired and sleepy, and yet I can't slip over the edge to sleep. It is so much worse than the sleep deprivation was with newborn Caetlin. I am resolved to ask my doctor tomorrow about some kind of sleeping pill. I need to rest to get better, to keep my blood pressure down, to rest up for labor and delivery.
So, I see the doctor again tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be progress. But not too much! I have some stuff to do Saturday that I would very much like to accomplish. After that- well, any time, Segunda. Any time.
I have a cold that has so far *knock wood* been pretty mild, and I hope to be sufficiently over it when it's time to have the baby, whatever time that is. It's been annoying at worst, but it's also making it tough for me to sleep. I think the bed rest is also interrupting my sleep, in that I suspect I am not active enough for me to sleep at night. I'm getting 1-3 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night, and the rest of the time I am awake every 20 minutes or so. I'm not ever getting into a deep sleep. I can feel that I am tired and sleepy, and yet I can't slip over the edge to sleep. It is so much worse than the sleep deprivation was with newborn Caetlin. I am resolved to ask my doctor tomorrow about some kind of sleeping pill. I need to rest to get better, to keep my blood pressure down, to rest up for labor and delivery.
So, I see the doctor again tomorrow morning. Hopefully there will be progress. But not too much! I have some stuff to do Saturday that I would very much like to accomplish. After that- well, any time, Segunda. Any time.
Monday, February 23, 2009
One Thing Down
Well, we got Caetlin's surgery behind us today. It was a very quick procedure, as promised, and the surgery center was actually running ahead of schedule, so we went home at 1:30 this afternoon, after having arrived at 10:30 that morning.
She woke up early purely by chance this morning, though we needed to get her up early anyway so she could have some Jello and juice for breakfast (no solids allowed), which she had to finish by 8:30. We had talked about going to the doctor, and how they would help her have a nap and when she woke up Mommy and Daddy would be there, and maybe her girl parts might be a little sore, but I'm not sure how much of it sunk in. She was super cooperative at the surgery center, though, especially in taking the vitals. When the nurse pulled out the blood pressure cuff, she stuck out her ankle and pulled up her pants leg (they mostly took her blood pressure in her leg when she was in the hospital, as that was usually more accessible). The nurse was amazed at how good she was, and we had to admit that it was because of her recent hospital stay.
They only let one person back with her when they put her under the anesthesia, which by default was Bruce. They said there may be gases in the room that would be problematic for the baby, so I was not allowed back. He described it as a typical operating room, brightly lit and with four or five people in there. He laid her down on the bed and she started getting really scared, and crying a little, especially when they put the mask on, of which I guess she had little warning. Then to watch her go under was kind of freaky, as her eyes rolled back in her head and she was gone.
We were led to a small post-op room to wait. The procedure itself only took 10-15 minutes, and when the urologist came to see us after, he told us that her right ureter was pretty badly misplaced, possibly worse than the tests have so far indicated. They corrected it with the injection of the Deflux material, and now it is a waiting game to see if the material stays put and holds fast over time.
After another 15 or 20 minutes, they brought her in on a bed. She was crying, clearly scared and upset, almost hysterical, which I had expected. Her condition was actually better than I expected it to be, post-anesthesia, frankly. The nurse helped untangle her IV and got her to me; she was basically standing on the bed climbing me to get away from the nurse, so the hardest thing was making sure the IV wasn't going to be pulled. Her gown had fallen off mostly, and she just sat on my lap, her head on my shoulder, covered by a blanket to keep her warm. We had the foresight to bring her blankets and paci and her stuffed tiger, and these things gave her comfort too. Eventually her sobs trailed off, and she fell asleep on me.
She slept that way for a good half an hour, while the nurse came in and discussed discharge instructions and mentioned that she wanted to see Caetlin drink some juice and keep it down before we could go home. At 1:15 we woke her up, and she drank half the sippy of juice we brought with us. She kept it down just fine, and besides being a tiny bit scratchy-voiced from the breathing tube, was basically herself again. The first thing she asked for was that the IV be taken off (completely understandable!), and when the nurse came to let us go home she was completely compliant in letting her pull the tape off, even going so far as to point out the remaining tape to the nurse.
Other than being a slight bit cranky, she's entirely herself, though it's unclear whether the cranky is because she's tired or a lingering effect of the anesthetic. She even went to the park with Bruce this afternoon and had a great time. She went down early and immediately- there weren't even any bedtime stories because she was just too tired. We were told there may be some slight burning on urination for the first couple of times, and we've witnessed that a couple of times this afternoon, so hopefully that's all behind her. There's a small risk of ureter obstruction over the next couple of days, but otherwise she should be completely fine. Diet and activity levels are all allowed to be normal.
We go back to the urologist in one month, to check her via ultrasound, and then will follow up with another of the dreaded VCUG exams in 2 or 3 months. Hopefully that will show that the abnormality (check out the photo at the link for a good picture of the problem) has been corrected by this procedure. As I may have mentioned, it won't stop her from getting UTIs, to the extent that she is susceptible to them. It should, however, stop them from getting to her kidneys. Assuming a normal VCUG, we can also stop giving her the prophylactic antibiotic, which we've all come to hate at this point (the new one tastes terrible, and we've had to resort to giving it to her in a small amount of ice cream every day).
Anyway, that's one thing down before Segunda. I see my regular OB tomorrow, at which point we'll nail down an induction date. I have something to do every day this week, so it is a busy week at this point. Saturday I am registered for a breastfeeding class that I am really hoping I can attend, so knock on wood that my health stays good and Segunda stays inside until Saturday afternoon.
In other news, I believe I've caught the cold that made its way between Bruce and Caetlin, despite not touching either one of them and having basically worn away the skin on my hands washing or alcohol-sanitizing them for the last 4 days. I'm so freaking annoyed at this, and worried about what it means for labor and delivery, and tired because I'm not sleeping enough, and generally cranky and tired of being stuck in my house, that I'm really not in a good place about everything right now. So it's nice to have one less thing to worry about, for once.
She woke up early purely by chance this morning, though we needed to get her up early anyway so she could have some Jello and juice for breakfast (no solids allowed), which she had to finish by 8:30. We had talked about going to the doctor, and how they would help her have a nap and when she woke up Mommy and Daddy would be there, and maybe her girl parts might be a little sore, but I'm not sure how much of it sunk in. She was super cooperative at the surgery center, though, especially in taking the vitals. When the nurse pulled out the blood pressure cuff, she stuck out her ankle and pulled up her pants leg (they mostly took her blood pressure in her leg when she was in the hospital, as that was usually more accessible). The nurse was amazed at how good she was, and we had to admit that it was because of her recent hospital stay.
They only let one person back with her when they put her under the anesthesia, which by default was Bruce. They said there may be gases in the room that would be problematic for the baby, so I was not allowed back. He described it as a typical operating room, brightly lit and with four or five people in there. He laid her down on the bed and she started getting really scared, and crying a little, especially when they put the mask on, of which I guess she had little warning. Then to watch her go under was kind of freaky, as her eyes rolled back in her head and she was gone.
We were led to a small post-op room to wait. The procedure itself only took 10-15 minutes, and when the urologist came to see us after, he told us that her right ureter was pretty badly misplaced, possibly worse than the tests have so far indicated. They corrected it with the injection of the Deflux material, and now it is a waiting game to see if the material stays put and holds fast over time.
After another 15 or 20 minutes, they brought her in on a bed. She was crying, clearly scared and upset, almost hysterical, which I had expected. Her condition was actually better than I expected it to be, post-anesthesia, frankly. The nurse helped untangle her IV and got her to me; she was basically standing on the bed climbing me to get away from the nurse, so the hardest thing was making sure the IV wasn't going to be pulled. Her gown had fallen off mostly, and she just sat on my lap, her head on my shoulder, covered by a blanket to keep her warm. We had the foresight to bring her blankets and paci and her stuffed tiger, and these things gave her comfort too. Eventually her sobs trailed off, and she fell asleep on me.
She slept that way for a good half an hour, while the nurse came in and discussed discharge instructions and mentioned that she wanted to see Caetlin drink some juice and keep it down before we could go home. At 1:15 we woke her up, and she drank half the sippy of juice we brought with us. She kept it down just fine, and besides being a tiny bit scratchy-voiced from the breathing tube, was basically herself again. The first thing she asked for was that the IV be taken off (completely understandable!), and when the nurse came to let us go home she was completely compliant in letting her pull the tape off, even going so far as to point out the remaining tape to the nurse.
Other than being a slight bit cranky, she's entirely herself, though it's unclear whether the cranky is because she's tired or a lingering effect of the anesthetic. She even went to the park with Bruce this afternoon and had a great time. She went down early and immediately- there weren't even any bedtime stories because she was just too tired. We were told there may be some slight burning on urination for the first couple of times, and we've witnessed that a couple of times this afternoon, so hopefully that's all behind her. There's a small risk of ureter obstruction over the next couple of days, but otherwise she should be completely fine. Diet and activity levels are all allowed to be normal.
We go back to the urologist in one month, to check her via ultrasound, and then will follow up with another of the dreaded VCUG exams in 2 or 3 months. Hopefully that will show that the abnormality (check out the photo at the link for a good picture of the problem) has been corrected by this procedure. As I may have mentioned, it won't stop her from getting UTIs, to the extent that she is susceptible to them. It should, however, stop them from getting to her kidneys. Assuming a normal VCUG, we can also stop giving her the prophylactic antibiotic, which we've all come to hate at this point (the new one tastes terrible, and we've had to resort to giving it to her in a small amount of ice cream every day).
Anyway, that's one thing down before Segunda. I see my regular OB tomorrow, at which point we'll nail down an induction date. I have something to do every day this week, so it is a busy week at this point. Saturday I am registered for a breastfeeding class that I am really hoping I can attend, so knock on wood that my health stays good and Segunda stays inside until Saturday afternoon.
In other news, I believe I've caught the cold that made its way between Bruce and Caetlin, despite not touching either one of them and having basically worn away the skin on my hands washing or alcohol-sanitizing them for the last 4 days. I'm so freaking annoyed at this, and worried about what it means for labor and delivery, and tired because I'm not sleeping enough, and generally cranky and tired of being stuck in my house, that I'm really not in a good place about everything right now. So it's nice to have one less thing to worry about, for once.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Segunda Update
I had yet another doctor's appointment yesterday, at which my blood pressure was (surprise!) elevated, though not any more so than it has been. They also did another non-stress test, which I appear to be getting twice a week now.
Digression: very quick lay person's understanding of the non-stress test: the monitor measures baby's heart rate and uterine contractions. The baby's heart rate should increase, from an appropriate baseline, a certain number of beats per minute a certain number of times within a certain amount of time. It makes little "mountains" on the graph charting the heartbeat. Assuming baby's heart rate does the right thing, this is a sign that the baby is not in any distress from my high blood pressure- a "happy baby" as I have heard from the various nurses who have hooked me up to the monitors.
Anyway, yesterday, the baby started off swinging from my ribcage, as the nurse said, with a really high activity level and heart rate. Her heart rate never really went down enough to get a good baseline, plus my pressure didn't really come down as much as it has done in the past by resting in the office, so they sent me off to the hospital for additional monitoring.
Basically the monitoring in the hospital showed that everything was perfect, the baby was really happy, and my pressure was down as well. I think lying in a more comfortable bed as opposed to a hard exam table may have had something to do with it. I also think there was a slight bit of operator error in the setup of the monitors; for the last 15 minutes in the doctor's office I was holding the sensor in place with my hands and pressing down to keep it reading the baby's heartbeat. They are too nice in my doctor's office; the nurses don't want to strap the sensors down tightly enough for my comfort. In the hospital, the nurse had no problems strapping me in really tightly, which made me more relaxed and comfortable and helped get a more accurate reading.
So after that exciting but time consuming exercise that ultimately didn't change anything, we were sent home with rather more restrictive bed rest instructions and a direction to come back to the doctor Monday morning for a pressure check. I'm still pregnant, just not really able to leave the bed or couch much this weekend.
As Caetlin's surgery is currently scheduled for Monday, I am hoping and praying to keep the baby inside until that is over, though I am concerned they will postpone the surgery because she has a very slight cold. (Bruce has the cold as well, which means I am surrounded by people streaming infectious secretions from their noses and mouths and desperately trying not to touch anything they might have touched. I am reaching OCD levels of hand sanitizing and washing. I DO NOT want to have to go through labor and delivery with a head cold.)
So, all remains as well as possible, Segunda still on the inside. I'm set up for a long weekend in bed/on the couch. It's all a game of chicken right now. I see my regular doctor on Tuesday, and will likely then get a definite induction date. More updates to follow as more news develops.
OH! Also at yesterday's cervix check, I am 1 centimeter dilated, and still "thick" (meaning little or no effacement). By reaching for my tonsils, the doctor was able to touch Segunda's head, which was uncomfortable and strange. But encouraging! Stuff is happening! Considering I was closed up tight when I was induced with Caetlin (leading, I think, to my long- 26 hours- labor), this is huge news for me! Woo-hoo!
Digression: very quick lay person's understanding of the non-stress test: the monitor measures baby's heart rate and uterine contractions. The baby's heart rate should increase, from an appropriate baseline, a certain number of beats per minute a certain number of times within a certain amount of time. It makes little "mountains" on the graph charting the heartbeat. Assuming baby's heart rate does the right thing, this is a sign that the baby is not in any distress from my high blood pressure- a "happy baby" as I have heard from the various nurses who have hooked me up to the monitors.
Anyway, yesterday, the baby started off swinging from my ribcage, as the nurse said, with a really high activity level and heart rate. Her heart rate never really went down enough to get a good baseline, plus my pressure didn't really come down as much as it has done in the past by resting in the office, so they sent me off to the hospital for additional monitoring.
Basically the monitoring in the hospital showed that everything was perfect, the baby was really happy, and my pressure was down as well. I think lying in a more comfortable bed as opposed to a hard exam table may have had something to do with it. I also think there was a slight bit of operator error in the setup of the monitors; for the last 15 minutes in the doctor's office I was holding the sensor in place with my hands and pressing down to keep it reading the baby's heartbeat. They are too nice in my doctor's office; the nurses don't want to strap the sensors down tightly enough for my comfort. In the hospital, the nurse had no problems strapping me in really tightly, which made me more relaxed and comfortable and helped get a more accurate reading.
So after that exciting but time consuming exercise that ultimately didn't change anything, we were sent home with rather more restrictive bed rest instructions and a direction to come back to the doctor Monday morning for a pressure check. I'm still pregnant, just not really able to leave the bed or couch much this weekend.
As Caetlin's surgery is currently scheduled for Monday, I am hoping and praying to keep the baby inside until that is over, though I am concerned they will postpone the surgery because she has a very slight cold. (Bruce has the cold as well, which means I am surrounded by people streaming infectious secretions from their noses and mouths and desperately trying not to touch anything they might have touched. I am reaching OCD levels of hand sanitizing and washing. I DO NOT want to have to go through labor and delivery with a head cold.)
So, all remains as well as possible, Segunda still on the inside. I'm set up for a long weekend in bed/on the couch. It's all a game of chicken right now. I see my regular doctor on Tuesday, and will likely then get a definite induction date. More updates to follow as more news develops.
OH! Also at yesterday's cervix check, I am 1 centimeter dilated, and still "thick" (meaning little or no effacement). By reaching for my tonsils, the doctor was able to touch Segunda's head, which was uncomfortable and strange. But encouraging! Stuff is happening! Considering I was closed up tight when I was induced with Caetlin (leading, I think, to my long- 26 hours- labor), this is huge news for me! Woo-hoo!
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Of the Short Term and Longer Term Issues
So, in order according to the issue that will impact us soonest: Caetlin, Segunda, and Tokyo.
Caetlin had to go back to the doctor today, for a catheterization to give the doctor a urine sample to make sure that the infection has been vanquished prior to her surgery next Monday. How I wish she were potty trained, so we didn't have to go through the catheterization process! She hates it, and fights it, and I have to help hold her down, and even though I know it is the right and necessary thing to do, it makes me feel like such a horrible Mommy. I'm supposed to keep her safe from everything that hurts her, and here I am facilitating pain in my dearest girl. I could have taken the easy way out and not gone to the doctor today, but I felt like I had to be there for her. Through her tears and screams, she had her eyes open and she was looking at me. Did I offer her comfort by being there, even though I was holding her down for the torture? I hope so. I really wanted to offer her comfort and make her less afraid. Anyway, the minute it was over, she was fine, of course. I hope she forgives me.
On the practical side, she has her surgery next Monday, assuming her urine is clear (it was immediately clear under the microscope, but they are also going to culture it too). It is, as I may have mentioned, outpatient, though she will have to be under general anesthesia. I asked her pediatrician about whether I should be freaked out by her being under a general, and she said absolutely not, the anesthesiologist is a pediatric anesthesiologist and does nothing but dose children all day long. She said the hardest thing will be seeing her come out of it, which wasn't terribly comforting. Here again, I could take the easy way out- it's probably not good for my blood pressure to be anxiously waiting for my daughter to come out of surgery- but I won't. I'll be there for her to hopefully help ease her through whatever terrible transition awakening from the drugs will mean for her.
On the Segunda front, I visited the doctor again today, and things appear to be the same. My blood pressure is still up, but comes down with rest almost immediately. If I really could do nothing but spend time on my left side, I would be golden. Unfortunately, of course, that is not feasible, so we are playing a game of chance. Can my pressure be sufficiently controlled with rest, to the point where it is not more harmful to me or the baby to leave her inside? It appears that it can, at least as of now. I am probably not taking my bed rest seriously enough, especially not during a three-day weekend where it was important to me to attend a good friend's daughter's baptism (I am her godmother, for crying out loud!), where I felt guilty and lazy for allowing Bruce to do all the Caetlin wrangling, where I felt I didn't see Caetlin enough as it is anyway, and where I simply couldn't bear to let my messy house and unwashed clothes remain messy and unwashed any longer (nor could I let Bruce do it all; see above for guilt).
My doctor remains out of town until early next week, and then is out of town again at the end of next week, so it looks like my probable induction date is March 4, if I haven't gone into labor spontaneously by then or if something hasn't happened to suggest that I should be induced even though my doctor isn't around to deliver. I said March 2 a few days ago, but apparently the call schedule has been rearranged. Anyway, when I see my doctor again next Tuesday, we will discuss it. I go back on Friday to see the other doctor I've been seeing while my doc is out of town.
We spoke a bit about my particular circumstances, and how they will affect my labor and delivery, and even if I start labor spontaneously, there is no possible way I will not be hooked immediately and continuously to the fetal monitor. That being the case, I will be confined to bed immediately on my arrival to the hospital. I had hoped to attempt a drug-free labor and delivery this time, and being more or less immobile is going to make that difficult. I know that, because I was monitored continuously with Caetlin too, and even though I was not attempting anything drug free at that time, I still felt confined and unable to really get comfortable. Anyway, it feels to me like I shouldn't even go in with any expectation of a drug-free birth, because it is just going to be too hard to try it under these circumstances. No walking around to labor, no changing positions to labor, no hot showers...it just seems like so many options are going to be taken away from me. And while I am no crunchy, Rikki Lake-style believer that an unmedicated birth is the only true way to have a baby, I had wanted to give it a try. At least a shot, to see if I could do it. And the odds are now pretty stacked against me being able to do it, which I'm not really surprised by. But I am still kind of disappointed.
That is all if labor actually starts spontaneously, which I'm not so sure that it will. If I am induced, that will be even one more thing keeping me immobile (the IV for the Pitocin), and one more thing making drug-free even harder (the Pitocin makes contractions come more closely together and more painful). I am hopeful that if I am induced, they won't break the amniotic sac right away, which they did with Caetlin, which also makes it more painful. Anyway, the reason I am not confident of spontaneous labor is because at today's cervix check, there is nothing happening. No change. Zip. Zilch. Nada. For all that I feel like I could go into labor at any minute, nothing is happening to actually make that a reality.
And finally, Tokyo. Here's the rundown on Tokyo, about which I haven't written much. Late last year, in the October-November time frame, Bruce was approached about a secondment with a Tokyo client. A secondment is a job at the company for a specific time frame or assignment, arranged in concert with the law firm. The firm gets a strengthened client relationship (assuming the lawyer does a good job) and the lawyer gets another professional avenue to explore. It's like trying on an in-house counsel job without having to actually switch jobs. And in this case, the job would be in Tokyo.
Bruce went through several rounds of interviews with partners in the firm, making sure he was a good fit for the firm to recommend to any potential client who might want a secondee. We were led to believe that there were several clients who had a need for someone. There were also discussions about me, and finding a secondment for me as well, for the whole family relocating to Tokyo. We researched typical ex-patriate packages, and it looked good, like a potential raise. It looked like a way out, a way to revitalize Bruce's career that is fading as a result of the market mess we find ourselves in.
I didn't write about it at the time, because I wanted to wait until it was a done deal, until we were leasing an apartment in Roppongi and looking for day care for Caetlin. But it looked good. It looked really, really promising.
And then the market continued to slide, and the emails grew more non-committal, talking about whether- not when- any client actually had a need to be filled, suggesting that the opportunities were drying up. There was also a problem with what to do after, as the Tokyo office wasn't making any promises to take either of us on, which may have required us to come back to the Atlanta office and fit back in somehow (when he has never managed to fit in here to begin with?). And as time went on, it looked like it was a dead issue. It had been exciting to contemplate, and scary, but ultimately it went nowhere.
Then, Bruce was told, unofficially but not rumor, that he was being laid off. And then it didn't happen, and we've been left to wonder why. There is a new department that has been formed, a department that Bruce could possibly join, has asked to join, but he hasn't been formally reassigned, even now, nearly two months after discussing it with the head of the office. I know things work slowly in the firm, but it has been a source of anxiety trying to figure out what Bruce's place is in all this. Is he on the brink of being laid off, and that is why he hasn't been reassigned?
And so, a couple of weeks ago, the answer appeared to have presented itself. He has been offered a secondment, for a year, in Tokyo. At a significantly reduced salary than we originally expected, courtesy of the freefalling market and a huge number of laid off American lawyers flooding Asia looking for work. There is no discussion of me, except to say that there is no room for me in the Tokyo office. There is no guarantee of any office for Bruce to return to, after his position. The bottom line, though it hasn't been spelled out in so many words, is that his choice is Tokyo or be laid off. We both think this is why he hasn't been reassigned. And they are going to be offering the client a real deal, an experienced attorney who is so much cheaper than anyone in Japan would ever expect. The firm has little or no incentive to try to work with the client to increase the comp offered (which includes $0 for cost of living, because apparently it's comparable to live in Tokyo versus Atlanta), since Bruce is more or less disposable to the firm at this point. If he says no, no harm done. He'll just be fired. This is our reasoning, anyway, though it has not been confirmed to us.
We don't feel as though we have any choice but to take it. I will have to stay here, because I can't give up my salary, since his salary will not be enough to support the family in Tokyo and I have no job in Japan. And given the current market, it just feels irresponsible for Bruce to give up on his law career when we still have a house in Charlotte that we can't sell, and no way of knowing what the financial outlook is. It is us basically operating on a premise that things are still going to get worse for us, and we can't afford to give any ground in the event that things really do get worse. If that Unknown Something Terrible happens, we will be in better shape if Bruce continues working, even at a reduced salary (reduced because it will have to be maintaining him in Tokyo on the same amount of money. He's also getting paid in dollars, which is even worse since the dollar is so weak against the yen right now), than if he were not working at all.
So...I'm likely going to be a single mom for a year. It seems like it should be workable- after all, tons of parents do it every day. My mother-in-law has offered to move up to help, which will be a huge thing, and I love her so incredibly much for it. I think, given the financial squeeze, that we may let the nanny go, though the flexibility that we have with her is a huge benefit.
I...can't write about this any more now. You may guess from the tone here that I am kind of down; it's been a bit of a tough day. The process is going to take a few months, so I'll have time to fill in the details later.
Caetlin had to go back to the doctor today, for a catheterization to give the doctor a urine sample to make sure that the infection has been vanquished prior to her surgery next Monday. How I wish she were potty trained, so we didn't have to go through the catheterization process! She hates it, and fights it, and I have to help hold her down, and even though I know it is the right and necessary thing to do, it makes me feel like such a horrible Mommy. I'm supposed to keep her safe from everything that hurts her, and here I am facilitating pain in my dearest girl. I could have taken the easy way out and not gone to the doctor today, but I felt like I had to be there for her. Through her tears and screams, she had her eyes open and she was looking at me. Did I offer her comfort by being there, even though I was holding her down for the torture? I hope so. I really wanted to offer her comfort and make her less afraid. Anyway, the minute it was over, she was fine, of course. I hope she forgives me.
On the practical side, she has her surgery next Monday, assuming her urine is clear (it was immediately clear under the microscope, but they are also going to culture it too). It is, as I may have mentioned, outpatient, though she will have to be under general anesthesia. I asked her pediatrician about whether I should be freaked out by her being under a general, and she said absolutely not, the anesthesiologist is a pediatric anesthesiologist and does nothing but dose children all day long. She said the hardest thing will be seeing her come out of it, which wasn't terribly comforting. Here again, I could take the easy way out- it's probably not good for my blood pressure to be anxiously waiting for my daughter to come out of surgery- but I won't. I'll be there for her to hopefully help ease her through whatever terrible transition awakening from the drugs will mean for her.
On the Segunda front, I visited the doctor again today, and things appear to be the same. My blood pressure is still up, but comes down with rest almost immediately. If I really could do nothing but spend time on my left side, I would be golden. Unfortunately, of course, that is not feasible, so we are playing a game of chance. Can my pressure be sufficiently controlled with rest, to the point where it is not more harmful to me or the baby to leave her inside? It appears that it can, at least as of now. I am probably not taking my bed rest seriously enough, especially not during a three-day weekend where it was important to me to attend a good friend's daughter's baptism (I am her godmother, for crying out loud!), where I felt guilty and lazy for allowing Bruce to do all the Caetlin wrangling, where I felt I didn't see Caetlin enough as it is anyway, and where I simply couldn't bear to let my messy house and unwashed clothes remain messy and unwashed any longer (nor could I let Bruce do it all; see above for guilt).
My doctor remains out of town until early next week, and then is out of town again at the end of next week, so it looks like my probable induction date is March 4, if I haven't gone into labor spontaneously by then or if something hasn't happened to suggest that I should be induced even though my doctor isn't around to deliver. I said March 2 a few days ago, but apparently the call schedule has been rearranged. Anyway, when I see my doctor again next Tuesday, we will discuss it. I go back on Friday to see the other doctor I've been seeing while my doc is out of town.
We spoke a bit about my particular circumstances, and how they will affect my labor and delivery, and even if I start labor spontaneously, there is no possible way I will not be hooked immediately and continuously to the fetal monitor. That being the case, I will be confined to bed immediately on my arrival to the hospital. I had hoped to attempt a drug-free labor and delivery this time, and being more or less immobile is going to make that difficult. I know that, because I was monitored continuously with Caetlin too, and even though I was not attempting anything drug free at that time, I still felt confined and unable to really get comfortable. Anyway, it feels to me like I shouldn't even go in with any expectation of a drug-free birth, because it is just going to be too hard to try it under these circumstances. No walking around to labor, no changing positions to labor, no hot showers...it just seems like so many options are going to be taken away from me. And while I am no crunchy, Rikki Lake-style believer that an unmedicated birth is the only true way to have a baby, I had wanted to give it a try. At least a shot, to see if I could do it. And the odds are now pretty stacked against me being able to do it, which I'm not really surprised by. But I am still kind of disappointed.
That is all if labor actually starts spontaneously, which I'm not so sure that it will. If I am induced, that will be even one more thing keeping me immobile (the IV for the Pitocin), and one more thing making drug-free even harder (the Pitocin makes contractions come more closely together and more painful). I am hopeful that if I am induced, they won't break the amniotic sac right away, which they did with Caetlin, which also makes it more painful. Anyway, the reason I am not confident of spontaneous labor is because at today's cervix check, there is nothing happening. No change. Zip. Zilch. Nada. For all that I feel like I could go into labor at any minute, nothing is happening to actually make that a reality.
And finally, Tokyo. Here's the rundown on Tokyo, about which I haven't written much. Late last year, in the October-November time frame, Bruce was approached about a secondment with a Tokyo client. A secondment is a job at the company for a specific time frame or assignment, arranged in concert with the law firm. The firm gets a strengthened client relationship (assuming the lawyer does a good job) and the lawyer gets another professional avenue to explore. It's like trying on an in-house counsel job without having to actually switch jobs. And in this case, the job would be in Tokyo.
Bruce went through several rounds of interviews with partners in the firm, making sure he was a good fit for the firm to recommend to any potential client who might want a secondee. We were led to believe that there were several clients who had a need for someone. There were also discussions about me, and finding a secondment for me as well, for the whole family relocating to Tokyo. We researched typical ex-patriate packages, and it looked good, like a potential raise. It looked like a way out, a way to revitalize Bruce's career that is fading as a result of the market mess we find ourselves in.
I didn't write about it at the time, because I wanted to wait until it was a done deal, until we were leasing an apartment in Roppongi and looking for day care for Caetlin. But it looked good. It looked really, really promising.
And then the market continued to slide, and the emails grew more non-committal, talking about whether- not when- any client actually had a need to be filled, suggesting that the opportunities were drying up. There was also a problem with what to do after, as the Tokyo office wasn't making any promises to take either of us on, which may have required us to come back to the Atlanta office and fit back in somehow (when he has never managed to fit in here to begin with?). And as time went on, it looked like it was a dead issue. It had been exciting to contemplate, and scary, but ultimately it went nowhere.
Then, Bruce was told, unofficially but not rumor, that he was being laid off. And then it didn't happen, and we've been left to wonder why. There is a new department that has been formed, a department that Bruce could possibly join, has asked to join, but he hasn't been formally reassigned, even now, nearly two months after discussing it with the head of the office. I know things work slowly in the firm, but it has been a source of anxiety trying to figure out what Bruce's place is in all this. Is he on the brink of being laid off, and that is why he hasn't been reassigned?
And so, a couple of weeks ago, the answer appeared to have presented itself. He has been offered a secondment, for a year, in Tokyo. At a significantly reduced salary than we originally expected, courtesy of the freefalling market and a huge number of laid off American lawyers flooding Asia looking for work. There is no discussion of me, except to say that there is no room for me in the Tokyo office. There is no guarantee of any office for Bruce to return to, after his position. The bottom line, though it hasn't been spelled out in so many words, is that his choice is Tokyo or be laid off. We both think this is why he hasn't been reassigned. And they are going to be offering the client a real deal, an experienced attorney who is so much cheaper than anyone in Japan would ever expect. The firm has little or no incentive to try to work with the client to increase the comp offered (which includes $0 for cost of living, because apparently it's comparable to live in Tokyo versus Atlanta), since Bruce is more or less disposable to the firm at this point. If he says no, no harm done. He'll just be fired. This is our reasoning, anyway, though it has not been confirmed to us.
We don't feel as though we have any choice but to take it. I will have to stay here, because I can't give up my salary, since his salary will not be enough to support the family in Tokyo and I have no job in Japan. And given the current market, it just feels irresponsible for Bruce to give up on his law career when we still have a house in Charlotte that we can't sell, and no way of knowing what the financial outlook is. It is us basically operating on a premise that things are still going to get worse for us, and we can't afford to give any ground in the event that things really do get worse. If that Unknown Something Terrible happens, we will be in better shape if Bruce continues working, even at a reduced salary (reduced because it will have to be maintaining him in Tokyo on the same amount of money. He's also getting paid in dollars, which is even worse since the dollar is so weak against the yen right now), than if he were not working at all.
So...I'm likely going to be a single mom for a year. It seems like it should be workable- after all, tons of parents do it every day. My mother-in-law has offered to move up to help, which will be a huge thing, and I love her so incredibly much for it. I think, given the financial squeeze, that we may let the nanny go, though the flexibility that we have with her is a huge benefit.
I...can't write about this any more now. You may guess from the tone here that I am kind of down; it's been a bit of a tough day. The process is going to take a few months, so I'll have time to fill in the details later.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Full Term
So, this is what 37 weeks and three days looks like. I'm- we're- technically full term now, though it is likely that she'll stay in there another week or two, continuing to grow. She is bigger, I think, than Caetlin was. I feel like the belly part of me is bigger (though the rest of me has mercifully not grown much, as I've somehow managed to keep my weight gain to a healthy 30 pounds or so right now), and sometimes when she's stretching, I feel her moving both at the top of my belly and down on my pelvic floor (yeah, that's a treat). I don't remember feeling that with Caetlin. And Segunda actually hurts me when she moves sometimes, stretching my muscles and uterus and skin beyond where I think it ought to be able to be stretched.
I'm ready for her. Actually, no, I'm not. I have no bag packed for the hospital; her clothes are washed, at least, but in a tangled mess in a laundry bag in her room; her car seat is installed, but needs an experienced hand and eye to look at it. I finally finished my labor prep book last night, and don't feel much more prepared for a drug-free birth, which I hope to attempt, than I did before I started reading it. I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff it feels like there is still to do.
And yet...you see these pictures below? There is nothing comfortable about that. Not a thing. I've had diarrhea for the last few nights, which I read is a fairly normal late pregnancy thing, and I can't sleep because of the heartburn, and also because I need a crane to turn over. I'm having many contractions per day, which are annoying and uncomfortable, and I fully expect any day now to see my mucous plug in the bowl during one of my many trips to the toilet. None of my maternity clothes fit (hence the pajama pants in the pics). We aren't really ready, but I feel like we could wing it if we have to. This isn't our first rodeo, so to speak.
So, for selfish reasons, I'm ready (even if I'm not, even if I desperately want to make it to my scheduled breastfeeding class on the 28th, even if I worry about her coming out at this time, even if I worry about how to be mentally ready to have a second baby in the house).
Bring it, baby.
I'm ready for her. Actually, no, I'm not. I have no bag packed for the hospital; her clothes are washed, at least, but in a tangled mess in a laundry bag in her room; her car seat is installed, but needs an experienced hand and eye to look at it. I finally finished my labor prep book last night, and don't feel much more prepared for a drug-free birth, which I hope to attempt, than I did before I started reading it. I am overwhelmed by the amount of stuff it feels like there is still to do.
And yet...you see these pictures below? There is nothing comfortable about that. Not a thing. I've had diarrhea for the last few nights, which I read is a fairly normal late pregnancy thing, and I can't sleep because of the heartburn, and also because I need a crane to turn over. I'm having many contractions per day, which are annoying and uncomfortable, and I fully expect any day now to see my mucous plug in the bowl during one of my many trips to the toilet. None of my maternity clothes fit (hence the pajama pants in the pics). We aren't really ready, but I feel like we could wing it if we have to. This isn't our first rodeo, so to speak.
So, for selfish reasons, I'm ready (even if I'm not, even if I desperately want to make it to my scheduled breastfeeding class on the 28th, even if I worry about her coming out at this time, even if I worry about how to be mentally ready to have a second baby in the house).
Bring it, baby.
Brief Thoughts on a Second Child
Going...
Going...
Going away from me...
She's my independent little girl. She's still my sweet baby, though:
I guess she always will be that. How will Segunda change my relationship with Caetlin? It is something I worry about, and have had far too much time to contemplate lately. How is it possible that I could love any other child as much as I love her? Is that fair to Segunda, who didn't have any choice in coming second? And yet, what happens if I somehow love Segunda more than I do Caetlin? How would that be possible?
I read that one doesn't love one of one's children any more or less than the others, only differently. They are different people, after all, so it makes sense. I worry, though, about my capacity for differentiation, for expanding my heart to bring them both inside as Caetlin is already inside, where she has nested.
I suppose it's a little late to do anything about it now, and I'm more or less at the point where I just want to not be pregnant anymore and hang the consequences. But the slight little worry is always there.
Going...
Going away from me...
She's my independent little girl. She's still my sweet baby, though:
I guess she always will be that. How will Segunda change my relationship with Caetlin? It is something I worry about, and have had far too much time to contemplate lately. How is it possible that I could love any other child as much as I love her? Is that fair to Segunda, who didn't have any choice in coming second? And yet, what happens if I somehow love Segunda more than I do Caetlin? How would that be possible?
I read that one doesn't love one of one's children any more or less than the others, only differently. They are different people, after all, so it makes sense. I worry, though, about my capacity for differentiation, for expanding my heart to bring them both inside as Caetlin is already inside, where she has nested.
I suppose it's a little late to do anything about it now, and I'm more or less at the point where I just want to not be pregnant anymore and hang the consequences. But the slight little worry is always there.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Caetlin-isms
A few random things that Caetlin says or does that I think are adorable:
- She says that people with bare feet "have toes on" instead of having shoes on.
- She has picked up a new verbal construction of "Isn't it?" So yesterday when we were on the way to the park for a little pre-dinner exercise (for her, not me, of course), we had a large green truck in the lane next to us, and she looked and said, "That's a big green truck, isn't it?" So incredibly cute in her baby voice.
- I might have mentioned that she's gotten really affectionate lately. She has decided that her favorite game at the park is running back and forth between Mommy and Daddy, crashing into us to give us hugs. It's awesome and wonderful, and if I don't squat or bend down to hug her, it's also unintentionally hilarious, because her head fits exactly underneath my belly.
- She has a talking, singing Care Bear named Cheer Bear that she adores, and every time she turns it on, almost regardless of what part of the house she's in, I can hear, "Hi! My name is Cheer Bear! I like rainbows and sunshine! What's your name?" And then I hear Caetlin say, intently, "Caetlin!" It cracks me up every time (despite how annoying I otherwise find Cheer Bear).
- She also has a pull string Woody doll (from Toy Story) and it says a bunch of different things, but the one she likes the best is, "Yee-haw, cowboy!" She usually will repeat that, more or less at full volume.
- If she wants me to sing to her, she asks me to sing: "Mommy sing it?" And if she wants me to stop, she'll say, "Mommy turn off?" I find this hilarious (and humbling).
- She says that people with bare feet "have toes on" instead of having shoes on.
- She has picked up a new verbal construction of "Isn't it?" So yesterday when we were on the way to the park for a little pre-dinner exercise (for her, not me, of course), we had a large green truck in the lane next to us, and she looked and said, "That's a big green truck, isn't it?" So incredibly cute in her baby voice.
- I might have mentioned that she's gotten really affectionate lately. She has decided that her favorite game at the park is running back and forth between Mommy and Daddy, crashing into us to give us hugs. It's awesome and wonderful, and if I don't squat or bend down to hug her, it's also unintentionally hilarious, because her head fits exactly underneath my belly.
- She has a talking, singing Care Bear named Cheer Bear that she adores, and every time she turns it on, almost regardless of what part of the house she's in, I can hear, "Hi! My name is Cheer Bear! I like rainbows and sunshine! What's your name?" And then I hear Caetlin say, intently, "Caetlin!" It cracks me up every time (despite how annoying I otherwise find Cheer Bear).
- She also has a pull string Woody doll (from Toy Story) and it says a bunch of different things, but the one she likes the best is, "Yee-haw, cowboy!" She usually will repeat that, more or less at full volume.
- If she wants me to sing to her, she asks me to sing: "Mommy sing it?" And if she wants me to stop, she'll say, "Mommy turn off?" I find this hilarious (and humbling).
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Some Good News, For A Refreshing Change
My doctor's appointment went very well today, extremely well, one might even say. My blood pressure is down. Not as low as we would all prefer it to be, but down where neither my nor the baby's health is currently in jeopardy. And after a few quiet minutes on my left side (where blood flow is the best), it was even down as low as we all would wish it to be. Unfortunately, I physically can't lie on my left side all the time (how ever would I type??), but it is so nice to see that the bed rest is working.
They gave us another fetal non-stress test as well today, and Segunda looks lovely, a happy baby, according to the doctor. I always like the Hi-C they give me to drink when the test starts, both because I like it (I know it is 90% sugar water but I have a sweet tooth. Sue me), and because the sugar really gets Segunda moving. It's always nice and reassuring to feel her moving around.
Digression: last night I woke in the early morning hours convinced that I hadn't felt her moving for hours, even into the previous evening and afternoon. Now I didn't have those thoughts actually during the evening or afternoon, only in the middle of the night, so I'm pretty sure I felt her moving during the day yesterday, but it was so hard to shake my anxiety in a dark and quiet house. I tried to poke her to get her moving (there are places in my belly where her body parts are readily apparent to the touch), but that didn't work. I started nearly hyperventilating, imagining going to the doctor and listening to the ultrasound technician say, "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat." I wondered if I should drive myself to the emergency room, working myself up by searching "decreased fetal movement" on WebMD and Babycenter.com. I didn't want to wake Bruce, because in some small part of my mind I knew I was not being entirely rational, but I was getting more and more freaked out. Still, remembering how quickly she responded to the sugary drink at the doctor's, I decided to have some apple juice and call the doctor first thing in the morning.
The apple juice, of course, did the trick, reminding Segunda that her job is to kick me often so I don't freak out like that. I eventually went back to bed, resolved not to call the doctor in the morning, since I was seeing them this afternoon, and woke up, fuzzy headed and sleepy, 2 and a half hours later to Caetlin yelling for me and singing the ABC song.
Anyway, there was also no protein in my urine again, which, in concert with the blood work, suggests that I still have not developed pre-eclampsia, and that the protein in Monday's results was an outlier for whatever reason. My reflexes are still okay, though I have some swelling in my hands and feet, and I don't have the headaches, dizziness, or abdominal pain that characterizes pre-eclampsia.
So, it was a great day at the doctor's office. I go back again on Tuesday, and then again either Thursday or Friday, at which point they will check my cervix for changes showing that my body is prepping to have the baby. I suspect my doctor will induce me on March 2, if there hasn't been any reason to induce sooner than that; he is on call that day, and then isn't on call again until like March 13, and he's already said they won't be letting me go longer than my due date. I would frankly be thrilled if I make it until March 2, so I start the official countdown now: 18 days and counting.
In a random Segunda observation, it is strange and wonderful to see her practice breathing through my stomach. The top center of my belly is where the layers are the thinnest, the abdominal muscles the most stretched, and there appears to be no placenta up there either. Occasionally, if she is turned right, I can see- but not really feel- that part of my belly moving up and down, rhythmically, quickly. It's not my heartbeat, and it's not something so crude as a limb moving around. This is more delicate, and far more regular. She's been practicing breathing for at least 5 weeks or so, as we saw on the last ultrasound, so it's not a surprise, but so odd and encouraging to see it from the outside.
Caetlin continues to grow by leaps and bounds, and has really gotten into music and singing and dancing lately. She has quite a repertoire for a 2.5 year old, and she picks up songs so quickly. She sings the ABC song (a current favorite), the clean up song ("Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere, clean up, clean up"), "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and in a last minute addition from Mommy, the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" (what? she has an actual yellow submarine bath toy). She also sings bits of some of the songs from the TV shows we watch with her. And she dances all the time. If there is any music anywhere in the vicinity that catches her fancy, she dances, sometimes saying, "I dancing, Mommy," to be sure I am watching.
She is my joyful spirit, my dancer girl. She reminds me why all the annoying bed rest, all the discomfort (my pelvis is killing me), the heartburn, everything related to Segunda, is going to be worth it. She reminds me to actually dwell on all the good news we received today, rather than thinking about all the cruddy circumstances we've been facing lately.
They gave us another fetal non-stress test as well today, and Segunda looks lovely, a happy baby, according to the doctor. I always like the Hi-C they give me to drink when the test starts, both because I like it (I know it is 90% sugar water but I have a sweet tooth. Sue me), and because the sugar really gets Segunda moving. It's always nice and reassuring to feel her moving around.
Digression: last night I woke in the early morning hours convinced that I hadn't felt her moving for hours, even into the previous evening and afternoon. Now I didn't have those thoughts actually during the evening or afternoon, only in the middle of the night, so I'm pretty sure I felt her moving during the day yesterday, but it was so hard to shake my anxiety in a dark and quiet house. I tried to poke her to get her moving (there are places in my belly where her body parts are readily apparent to the touch), but that didn't work. I started nearly hyperventilating, imagining going to the doctor and listening to the ultrasound technician say, "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat." I wondered if I should drive myself to the emergency room, working myself up by searching "decreased fetal movement" on WebMD and Babycenter.com. I didn't want to wake Bruce, because in some small part of my mind I knew I was not being entirely rational, but I was getting more and more freaked out. Still, remembering how quickly she responded to the sugary drink at the doctor's, I decided to have some apple juice and call the doctor first thing in the morning.
The apple juice, of course, did the trick, reminding Segunda that her job is to kick me often so I don't freak out like that. I eventually went back to bed, resolved not to call the doctor in the morning, since I was seeing them this afternoon, and woke up, fuzzy headed and sleepy, 2 and a half hours later to Caetlin yelling for me and singing the ABC song.
Anyway, there was also no protein in my urine again, which, in concert with the blood work, suggests that I still have not developed pre-eclampsia, and that the protein in Monday's results was an outlier for whatever reason. My reflexes are still okay, though I have some swelling in my hands and feet, and I don't have the headaches, dizziness, or abdominal pain that characterizes pre-eclampsia.
So, it was a great day at the doctor's office. I go back again on Tuesday, and then again either Thursday or Friday, at which point they will check my cervix for changes showing that my body is prepping to have the baby. I suspect my doctor will induce me on March 2, if there hasn't been any reason to induce sooner than that; he is on call that day, and then isn't on call again until like March 13, and he's already said they won't be letting me go longer than my due date. I would frankly be thrilled if I make it until March 2, so I start the official countdown now: 18 days and counting.
In a random Segunda observation, it is strange and wonderful to see her practice breathing through my stomach. The top center of my belly is where the layers are the thinnest, the abdominal muscles the most stretched, and there appears to be no placenta up there either. Occasionally, if she is turned right, I can see- but not really feel- that part of my belly moving up and down, rhythmically, quickly. It's not my heartbeat, and it's not something so crude as a limb moving around. This is more delicate, and far more regular. She's been practicing breathing for at least 5 weeks or so, as we saw on the last ultrasound, so it's not a surprise, but so odd and encouraging to see it from the outside.
Caetlin continues to grow by leaps and bounds, and has really gotten into music and singing and dancing lately. She has quite a repertoire for a 2.5 year old, and she picks up songs so quickly. She sings the ABC song (a current favorite), the clean up song ("Clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere, clean up, clean up"), "Row, Row, Row Your Boat," "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" and in a last minute addition from Mommy, the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" (what? she has an actual yellow submarine bath toy). She also sings bits of some of the songs from the TV shows we watch with her. And she dances all the time. If there is any music anywhere in the vicinity that catches her fancy, she dances, sometimes saying, "I dancing, Mommy," to be sure I am watching.
She is my joyful spirit, my dancer girl. She reminds me why all the annoying bed rest, all the discomfort (my pelvis is killing me), the heartburn, everything related to Segunda, is going to be worth it. She reminds me to actually dwell on all the good news we received today, rather than thinking about all the cruddy circumstances we've been facing lately.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Yet More Medical Developments
In Caetlin news, her surgery is scheduled for February 23. Hopefully I will still be pregnant at that point.
In news regarding my own health, I visited the doctor again today, and I'm officially ordered out of work, since my blood pressure remains high. In (even) less encouraging news, I had protein in my urine again today, which leads the doctor to suspect pre-eclampsia again, without the excuse that my daughter is in the hospital this time. I had blood drawn and we'll see what that tells us tomorrow. I am at home now, but it is not out of the question that I would be hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy, if it is pre-eclampsia.
I am desperately trying to make it to the end of the month with Segunda, for her sake and mine. I am 37 weeks this Thursday, which is technically full term, but everything I read suggests that longer is better for babies, even beyond this 37 week threshold. Lungs are better developed, sucking reflex is better developed, babies just have better outcomes if they hang in there until 39 or 40 weeks. I am sure Segunda would be fine, but after all we've been through this last few months, is it really so much to ask that the baby stay inside until she's really all the way done?
Anyway, I'm not exactly on bed rest, but it is suggested that I basically be a couch potato. I am going to keep working remotely for the time being, just to give me something to do, and I suspect my bed and I will become even better acquainted than we are already. I haven't spent large amounts of time doing more or less nothing in many years, so it will be interesting to see how I cope, even connected as I am by internet, cell phone, etc. It's not quite the same as fresh air and human interaction.
To sum up: I'm to be spending large chunks of my remaining pregnant days in bed; hopefully those remaining pregnant days will number at least 20 or so; and please keep your fingers crossed that the blood work comes back okay and there is no pre-eclampsia.
I'm not terribly sure when we're going to catch a break. Maybe soon.
In news regarding my own health, I visited the doctor again today, and I'm officially ordered out of work, since my blood pressure remains high. In (even) less encouraging news, I had protein in my urine again today, which leads the doctor to suspect pre-eclampsia again, without the excuse that my daughter is in the hospital this time. I had blood drawn and we'll see what that tells us tomorrow. I am at home now, but it is not out of the question that I would be hospitalized for the remainder of my pregnancy, if it is pre-eclampsia.
I am desperately trying to make it to the end of the month with Segunda, for her sake and mine. I am 37 weeks this Thursday, which is technically full term, but everything I read suggests that longer is better for babies, even beyond this 37 week threshold. Lungs are better developed, sucking reflex is better developed, babies just have better outcomes if they hang in there until 39 or 40 weeks. I am sure Segunda would be fine, but after all we've been through this last few months, is it really so much to ask that the baby stay inside until she's really all the way done?
Anyway, I'm not exactly on bed rest, but it is suggested that I basically be a couch potato. I am going to keep working remotely for the time being, just to give me something to do, and I suspect my bed and I will become even better acquainted than we are already. I haven't spent large amounts of time doing more or less nothing in many years, so it will be interesting to see how I cope, even connected as I am by internet, cell phone, etc. It's not quite the same as fresh air and human interaction.
To sum up: I'm to be spending large chunks of my remaining pregnant days in bed; hopefully those remaining pregnant days will number at least 20 or so; and please keep your fingers crossed that the blood work comes back okay and there is no pre-eclampsia.
I'm not terribly sure when we're going to catch a break. Maybe soon.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
My Health, Caetlin's Health...The Saga Continues
So, my blood pressure is up and looks to remain that way for the remainder of my pregnancy. At my last doctor visit last Thursday, my doctor clearly didn't want to push me to take some time off work, but he also pretty clearly wanted to recommend it. I told him I wanted to take the weekend and decide, and given how low my pressure gets when I literally do nothing- lay around in bed and watch TV or read or surf the internet- it seems a good move to go ahead and take the leave. It will be covered as short term disability, which will continue my pay at 100% of my salary until I have the baby and start maternity leave. I go back tomorrow morning and will likely go ahead and ask for the recommendation. I don't have much happening at work, but the little that I do have can certainly be done remotely. I cleaned my office last week and did filing and labeled the stacks of stuff remaining. I need to find someone who can take custody of the plants I have in my office, or at least ask my secretary to calendar watering them into her schedule, but mostly, all is set for me to be away for a number of months. There is no reason, other than personal, that I should continue to show up to surf the firm's internet when it would be better for my health and that of Segunda's if I spent more time at home. (The personal reason is just because I envision being cooped up at home most of the time, and I would miss the personal interaction at work.)
Caetlin started her new prophylactic antibiotic on Thursday, and by Saturday afternoon it appeared that her innards were reacting very badly. She spent all day Saturday having the worst diarrhea I have ever seen from her, and she clearly wasn't feeling well, though she remained happy and energetic. It was more that her bottom and possibly her tummy was troubling her. We got diaper cream on her as soon as we could, and have laced her baths with baking soda, but she's still a little rashy. Anyway, we called the pediatrician last night, more because I worried about the diarrhea being a side effect of the drug than that I was specifically worried about the diarrhea itself. She was not acting cranky or lethargic and she was drinking a lot, though the pediatrician was concerned about her output and suggested that if it kept up in volume the way it had been (she was putting out more than she was taking in, for awhile yesterday afternoon), we might need to take her- where else?- back to the hospital for some IV fluids. It didn't get to that, though, as she didn't have a bad diaper all night last night, and her poop has firmed up a bit over the course of today.
We did not give her the new antibiotic today; we're going to leave off for another day or two and then start her back to see if it is just bad timing with an intestinal bug of some kind, or if it really is a reaction to her antibiotic. My money is on the drug, but we'll see. It is yet another reason to schedule the procedure soon, if she can't tolerate this new drug.
She's otherwise really good and really happy. She's also gotten really snuggly and affectionate over the last few days, which is of course my Kryptonite for trying to enforce any sort of order. I went in to her room this afternoon not long after Bruce put her down for her nap, with the goal of trying to get her to lay down so I could cover her with her blanket and hopefully help her get to sleep. She stood up and just started hugging me, holding me in her arms and nuzzling her face into my chest. We stayed like that for 15 minutes, because I couldn't bear to end it. Sap that I am.
Anyway, we're getting back on the phone with Caetlin's pediatrician tomorrow, and I'm back at the doctor's office tomorrow morning as well. We're all tired of being at the doctor's, I think, even as much as we love them.
Caetlin started her new prophylactic antibiotic on Thursday, and by Saturday afternoon it appeared that her innards were reacting very badly. She spent all day Saturday having the worst diarrhea I have ever seen from her, and she clearly wasn't feeling well, though she remained happy and energetic. It was more that her bottom and possibly her tummy was troubling her. We got diaper cream on her as soon as we could, and have laced her baths with baking soda, but she's still a little rashy. Anyway, we called the pediatrician last night, more because I worried about the diarrhea being a side effect of the drug than that I was specifically worried about the diarrhea itself. She was not acting cranky or lethargic and she was drinking a lot, though the pediatrician was concerned about her output and suggested that if it kept up in volume the way it had been (she was putting out more than she was taking in, for awhile yesterday afternoon), we might need to take her- where else?- back to the hospital for some IV fluids. It didn't get to that, though, as she didn't have a bad diaper all night last night, and her poop has firmed up a bit over the course of today.
We did not give her the new antibiotic today; we're going to leave off for another day or two and then start her back to see if it is just bad timing with an intestinal bug of some kind, or if it really is a reaction to her antibiotic. My money is on the drug, but we'll see. It is yet another reason to schedule the procedure soon, if she can't tolerate this new drug.
She's otherwise really good and really happy. She's also gotten really snuggly and affectionate over the last few days, which is of course my Kryptonite for trying to enforce any sort of order. I went in to her room this afternoon not long after Bruce put her down for her nap, with the goal of trying to get her to lay down so I could cover her with her blanket and hopefully help her get to sleep. She stood up and just started hugging me, holding me in her arms and nuzzling her face into my chest. We stayed like that for 15 minutes, because I couldn't bear to end it. Sap that I am.
Anyway, we're getting back on the phone with Caetlin's pediatrician tomorrow, and I'm back at the doctor's office tomorrow morning as well. We're all tired of being at the doctor's, I think, even as much as we love them.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Caetlin Urology Update
We saw Caetlin's urologist today, and after discussing the options (which are essentially: 1. continue with a prophylactic antibiotic, only a different drug that may have better effectiveness against a wider variety of bacteria; 2. have a Deflux procedure done, which is the simple procedure I mentioned in my last post; or 3. have an open abdominal surgery done, in which the ureters are physically repositioned), we decided to have the Deflux procedure done. You can see a little more about it here. Basically, an endoscope is run up Caetlin's urethra to her bladder, and used to locate the ureters from the kidneys. When the ureters are located, an injection of the Deflux material is done to help with ureter positioning and one-way control of urine into the bladder. No incisions are necessary. She will have to be under general anesthesia, because of her age, but the procedure itself should not be any more painful than a typical catheterization. She'll be able to go home the same day.
Both the treating pediatrician at the hospital and Caetlin's usual pediatrician are very enthusiastic about this procedure, which gives me some comfort that it is the right choice. It is definitely less invasive than open abdominal surgery. This procedure is somewhat less successful overall than open abdominal surgery, but for reflux of Caetlin's grade (II on one side and III on the other), the success rates are comparable. (The Deflux is less successful at the higher grades, grade IV and V.) It seems a good compromise procedure, though the thought of general anaesthesia scares me.
It will not stop her from getting UTIs, to the extent that she is susceptible to them. It will stop those infections from spreading to her kidneys, which is a much more serious kind of infection than a simple bladder infection. It will allow us to stop the prophylactic antibiotics, which I have never really liked much; beyond the hassle of giving her a daily medicine, I am always concerned about drug-resistant bacteria and I don't want to do my part in creating them.
Anyway, I'm waiting to hear from the surgery scheduler to get it set up. Wish me luck that we can have it done prior to Segunda's arrival (which may or may not be timely).
Both the treating pediatrician at the hospital and Caetlin's usual pediatrician are very enthusiastic about this procedure, which gives me some comfort that it is the right choice. It is definitely less invasive than open abdominal surgery. This procedure is somewhat less successful overall than open abdominal surgery, but for reflux of Caetlin's grade (II on one side and III on the other), the success rates are comparable. (The Deflux is less successful at the higher grades, grade IV and V.) It seems a good compromise procedure, though the thought of general anaesthesia scares me.
It will not stop her from getting UTIs, to the extent that she is susceptible to them. It will stop those infections from spreading to her kidneys, which is a much more serious kind of infection than a simple bladder infection. It will allow us to stop the prophylactic antibiotics, which I have never really liked much; beyond the hassle of giving her a daily medicine, I am always concerned about drug-resistant bacteria and I don't want to do my part in creating them.
Anyway, I'm waiting to hear from the surgery scheduler to get it set up. Wish me luck that we can have it done prior to Segunda's arrival (which may or may not be timely).
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Update on My Health and Other Matters
So, I may have mentioned that my pregnancy induced high blood pressure appears to be back. It was elevated, for the first time in my pregnancy, when I saw the doctor on Thursday before Caetlin got sick, and I ended up having to go back twice last week while Caetlin was in the hospital. Without rehashing details I've already written about, suffice to say my pressure has stayed elevated. No pre-eclampsia, thank goodness, but definitely high blood pressure.
I saw the doctor yesterday and had a fetal non-stress test- basically, they hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor, which also measured contractions, and gave me a Jeopardy! style handheld clicker that I was to push every time I felt Segunda move. I stayed strapped up to the machine for maybe 20 minutes or so, at which time the doctor came in and looked at the readout and pronounced the baby, "Perfect." So Segunda is in no distress at all from my condition.
My pressure wasn't high enough yesterday to make my doctor order me out of work, but he did recommend that I buy a blood pressure cuff and start charting my pressure through the day. He also said he is going to see me twice a week from now on. The point right now is to monitor me for any dangerously high spikes, and see if it is trending upward or if it appears to be higher during the work day, at which point he will certify that I need to stop working.
The doctor said the baby would be completely fine if we delivered her right now, though she would probably have to stay in the hospital an extra week or ten days. I would personally prefer that she stay in until the end of the month as she is supposed to, for her sake, for my sake (I'm not ready yet!) and for leave purposes. For a variety of boring reasons, I really want to have her as late as possible, so I can stretch out my leave for 4 months, until the beginning of July.
Anyway, today was the first day of monitoring, and so far it does seem as though my pressure is higher during the work day. I don't really want to be certified as short-term disabled, but I'd rather that than having to deliver the baby right now.
Anyway, that's all there is on that front. I go back to the doctor on Thursday.
Caetlin is doing marvelously well. You'd never know, looking at her today, that she was so sick a week ago. For example, I was standing in the laundry nook off the kitchen tonight, putting a load into the washer, and she was running around and around the circle between kitchen, dining room and living room, yelling, "I run and go fast, Mommy!" every time she made the circuit. She saw her pediatrician today, who thought she looked great, and is happy with our treatment plan. We are seeing her urologist tomorrow, to discuss having the outpatient procedure done that will more than likely fix her reflux and stop any future UTIs from infecting her kidneys. Hopefully we can have it done before Segunda comes. The procedure is a complete snap as I understand it, involving more or less a large needle and an ultrasound machine, I think, so I hope it won't be too hard to schedule.
(Adorable non-sequitur: the firm sent a lovely basket of books and toys and a balloon, and one of the things in the basket was a Mickey Mouse activity book, including Caetlin's beloved stickers. She's been asking for Mickey Mouse stickers, and I have to indulge her as much as I possibly can, since she calls him, "Wickey Mouse." Which I think is seriously the cutest thing ever and I make her say it as much as I can.)
I pulled all of Caetlin's newborn size clothing out of storage today, so it can be washed and made ready for Segunda. I cannot comprehend how those clothes ever fit Caetlin, how they were even a little big for her.
Finally, Bruce has received an offer from the firm's Tokyo office to go work for a year for one of their Japanese investment bank clients. I think the weird limbo that we've been in regarding his job status has something to do with this offer, like it's this or being laid off. The compensation isn't exactly what we would like, and Bruce has asked if anything can be done in that regard, though our hopes aren't high. Plus there is the whole Bruce-living-in-Tokyo-for-a-year thing, the whole single parenthood thing, from my perspective. It's not ideal, but if Bruce wants to continue being a lawyer, he basically needs to take it. At the current offer, we'll lose money over what we're making now, but not nearly as much as if Bruce loses his job altogether. It's unclear when they will want him to start, if he accepts it; most likely sometime in early summer.
Anyway, I can't write much more about that, in part because I don't know where my thinking is. It's just one more area of upheaval and stress. Awesome.
I saw the doctor yesterday and had a fetal non-stress test- basically, they hooked me up to a fetal heart monitor, which also measured contractions, and gave me a Jeopardy! style handheld clicker that I was to push every time I felt Segunda move. I stayed strapped up to the machine for maybe 20 minutes or so, at which time the doctor came in and looked at the readout and pronounced the baby, "Perfect." So Segunda is in no distress at all from my condition.
My pressure wasn't high enough yesterday to make my doctor order me out of work, but he did recommend that I buy a blood pressure cuff and start charting my pressure through the day. He also said he is going to see me twice a week from now on. The point right now is to monitor me for any dangerously high spikes, and see if it is trending upward or if it appears to be higher during the work day, at which point he will certify that I need to stop working.
The doctor said the baby would be completely fine if we delivered her right now, though she would probably have to stay in the hospital an extra week or ten days. I would personally prefer that she stay in until the end of the month as she is supposed to, for her sake, for my sake (I'm not ready yet!) and for leave purposes. For a variety of boring reasons, I really want to have her as late as possible, so I can stretch out my leave for 4 months, until the beginning of July.
Anyway, today was the first day of monitoring, and so far it does seem as though my pressure is higher during the work day. I don't really want to be certified as short-term disabled, but I'd rather that than having to deliver the baby right now.
Anyway, that's all there is on that front. I go back to the doctor on Thursday.
Caetlin is doing marvelously well. You'd never know, looking at her today, that she was so sick a week ago. For example, I was standing in the laundry nook off the kitchen tonight, putting a load into the washer, and she was running around and around the circle between kitchen, dining room and living room, yelling, "I run and go fast, Mommy!" every time she made the circuit. She saw her pediatrician today, who thought she looked great, and is happy with our treatment plan. We are seeing her urologist tomorrow, to discuss having the outpatient procedure done that will more than likely fix her reflux and stop any future UTIs from infecting her kidneys. Hopefully we can have it done before Segunda comes. The procedure is a complete snap as I understand it, involving more or less a large needle and an ultrasound machine, I think, so I hope it won't be too hard to schedule.
(Adorable non-sequitur: the firm sent a lovely basket of books and toys and a balloon, and one of the things in the basket was a Mickey Mouse activity book, including Caetlin's beloved stickers. She's been asking for Mickey Mouse stickers, and I have to indulge her as much as I possibly can, since she calls him, "Wickey Mouse." Which I think is seriously the cutest thing ever and I make her say it as much as I can.)
I pulled all of Caetlin's newborn size clothing out of storage today, so it can be washed and made ready for Segunda. I cannot comprehend how those clothes ever fit Caetlin, how they were even a little big for her.
Finally, Bruce has received an offer from the firm's Tokyo office to go work for a year for one of their Japanese investment bank clients. I think the weird limbo that we've been in regarding his job status has something to do with this offer, like it's this or being laid off. The compensation isn't exactly what we would like, and Bruce has asked if anything can be done in that regard, though our hopes aren't high. Plus there is the whole Bruce-living-in-Tokyo-for-a-year thing, the whole single parenthood thing, from my perspective. It's not ideal, but if Bruce wants to continue being a lawyer, he basically needs to take it. At the current offer, we'll lose money over what we're making now, but not nearly as much as if Bruce loses his job altogether. It's unclear when they will want him to start, if he accepts it; most likely sometime in early summer.
Anyway, I can't write much more about that, in part because I don't know where my thinking is. It's just one more area of upheaval and stress. Awesome.
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