Insomnia

It's nearly 5 a.m. I've slept maybe an hour or 45 minutes between 2 and 3 a.m. And maybe another 30 minutes between 12:30 and 1 a.m.? Hard to tell. It hasn't been much, or good or deep sleep, though, that I can attest.

It's been like this, to one degree or another, for about 2 weeks. Some nights I get 4 hours. That hasn't actually happened for awhile, and I would be so incredibly grateful to get 4 hours at this point. Lately it's been more like what I described above: an hour here, half an hour there, plus lots of sleepy dozing and looking at the clock in between. There may be, in fact probably is, sleep happening there, but it's not the good and restful kind, the kind that assuages tired. It's the kind where you don't realize you've slept at all. And the tired just hangs on.

And I am tired. I can feel it in my bones, how tired I am. And I am sleepy too- at some point every night I nod off in front of the TV or computer or whatever book I am reading. And then wake up an hour later, ready to begin my horrible now-routine of doze, toss, turn, arrange pillows, try for change of scenery, doze on guest bed, doze over book or computer, drink the water I habitually keep next to the bed, and pee. I probably go to the toilet every 45 minutes these nights. I drink because I am bored and thirsty, the result of pregnancy and Sudafed. I get up to pee more or less for the same reasons. It gives me something to do.

I just somehow seem to have lost the knack for falling asleep and staying that way.

Google "pregnancy insomnia" and you get lots of burbling advice about managing heartburn, leg cramps, needing to go to the bathroom, and physical discomfort because of the baby belly. Sometimes they might also mention the anxiety of having a baby as a factor. But it doesn't seem like they mean what I'm going through when they talk about "taking a warm bath before bed" as a way to help ease into sleep.

Plus, it doesn't feel like those things are the problem. I'm not hugely uncomfortable- I mean, I am, but I have lived, and slept, with it before. I have thankfully been spared the leg cramps. And if I treated the heartburn before I went to sleep- back when I was actually getting sleep- it didn't bother me most nights, and most others a second swig of Maalox would take care of it. When I was able to sleep, I got up to go to the bathroom maybe twice a night. And I don't feel particularly anxious about things. I mean, yes, there is a huge amount of stressful things happening in my life right now, no question. But it's not as though I lie awake worrying about whether to fire the nanny (still a question) or what's happening with Bruce and Tokyo (answer: nothing, right now, which drives me crazy). I almost never think of these things in the middle of the night. Mostly I try to clear my head and think of nothing, trying to relax, though lately I have been tormented with various Wiggles songs that get stuck in my head.

I will say there is one source of anxiety that rears its scary, ugly head in the dark times before dawn. What if I will never sleep again? What if I have the baby but I don't ever get to dream again, or wake feeling rested, or even unrested but knowing I had been sleeping deeply before Segunda's cries woke me? What if this is my life from now on? Because I am reasonably convinced that this is pregnancy related in some form or fashion, most days I can shrug it off with a "this too shall pass" kind of resignation. Certainly it's not that hard to function during my activity limited days, though occasionally I worry about being sleepy on the drive to or from the doctor's office. But mostly I doze my way through the days more or less the same as I do the nights, never really falling asleep, usually being awakened by the phone ringing or email buzzing or children in the house or leaf blowers outside my window.

But at night, that's when I worry that things will never be "back to normal" in the sleep department. And I wonder how long I can be functional, how long can I be sane, under these circumstances. It's not a nice thing to contemplate.

I try all the tricks I've ever used: progressive relaxation, focusing on my breathing, clearing my head. Just lying still and keeping my eyes closed used to work at least half the time. Now I just drowse in a strange combination of bored and sleepy combined with a compulsion to look at the clock every five minutes. I've never not been able to sleep and I almost don't know how to behave.

I might have mentioned I'm off to the doctor again this morning, and I'm going to ask for something prescription to help me sleep. I have no idea what might be safe, but I need a good night's sleep, in the way that I need air and food right now. And I will try- assuming that regular sleep comes back into my life- never to take it for granted ever again.

Please pray for me. If you don't pray, please think good sleep filled thoughts for me. I need them. I need something, anyway.