Of the Short Term and Longer Term Issues

So, in order according to the issue that will impact us soonest: Caetlin, Segunda, and Tokyo.

Caetlin had to go back to the doctor today, for a catheterization to give the doctor a urine sample to make sure that the infection has been vanquished prior to her surgery next Monday. How I wish she were potty trained, so we didn't have to go through the catheterization process! She hates it, and fights it, and I have to help hold her down, and even though I know it is the right and necessary thing to do, it makes me feel like such a horrible Mommy. I'm supposed to keep her safe from everything that hurts her, and here I am facilitating pain in my dearest girl. I could have taken the easy way out and not gone to the doctor today, but I felt like I had to be there for her. Through her tears and screams, she had her eyes open and she was looking at me. Did I offer her comfort by being there, even though I was holding her down for the torture? I hope so. I really wanted to offer her comfort and make her less afraid. Anyway, the minute it was over, she was fine, of course. I hope she forgives me.

On the practical side, she has her surgery next Monday, assuming her urine is clear (it was immediately clear under the microscope, but they are also going to culture it too). It is, as I may have mentioned, outpatient, though she will have to be under general anesthesia. I asked her pediatrician about whether I should be freaked out by her being under a general, and she said absolutely not, the anesthesiologist is a pediatric anesthesiologist and does nothing but dose children all day long. She said the hardest thing will be seeing her come out of it, which wasn't terribly comforting. Here again, I could take the easy way out- it's probably not good for my blood pressure to be anxiously waiting for my daughter to come out of surgery- but I won't. I'll be there for her to hopefully help ease her through whatever terrible transition awakening from the drugs will mean for her.

On the Segunda front, I visited the doctor again today, and things appear to be the same. My blood pressure is still up, but comes down with rest almost immediately. If I really could do nothing but spend time on my left side, I would be golden. Unfortunately, of course, that is not feasible, so we are playing a game of chance. Can my pressure be sufficiently controlled with rest, to the point where it is not more harmful to me or the baby to leave her inside? It appears that it can, at least as of now. I am probably not taking my bed rest seriously enough, especially not during a three-day weekend where it was important to me to attend a good friend's daughter's baptism (I am her godmother, for crying out loud!), where I felt guilty and lazy for allowing Bruce to do all the Caetlin wrangling, where I felt I didn't see Caetlin enough as it is anyway, and where I simply couldn't bear to let my messy house and unwashed clothes remain messy and unwashed any longer (nor could I let Bruce do it all; see above for guilt).

My doctor remains out of town until early next week, and then is out of town again at the end of next week, so it looks like my probable induction date is March 4, if I haven't gone into labor spontaneously by then or if something hasn't happened to suggest that I should be induced even though my doctor isn't around to deliver. I said March 2 a few days ago, but apparently the call schedule has been rearranged. Anyway, when I see my doctor again next Tuesday, we will discuss it. I go back on Friday to see the other doctor I've been seeing while my doc is out of town.

We spoke a bit about my particular circumstances, and how they will affect my labor and delivery, and even if I start labor spontaneously, there is no possible way I will not be hooked immediately and continuously to the fetal monitor. That being the case, I will be confined to bed immediately on my arrival to the hospital. I had hoped to attempt a drug-free labor and delivery this time, and being more or less immobile is going to make that difficult. I know that, because I was monitored continuously with Caetlin too, and even though I was not attempting anything drug free at that time, I still felt confined and unable to really get comfortable. Anyway, it feels to me like I shouldn't even go in with any expectation of a drug-free birth, because it is just going to be too hard to try it under these circumstances. No walking around to labor, no changing positions to labor, no hot showers...it just seems like so many options are going to be taken away from me. And while I am no crunchy, Rikki Lake-style believer that an unmedicated birth is the only true way to have a baby, I had wanted to give it a try. At least a shot, to see if I could do it. And the odds are now pretty stacked against me being able to do it, which I'm not really surprised by. But I am still kind of disappointed.

That is all if labor actually starts spontaneously, which I'm not so sure that it will. If I am induced, that will be even one more thing keeping me immobile (the IV for the Pitocin), and one more thing making drug-free even harder (the Pitocin makes contractions come more closely together and more painful). I am hopeful that if I am induced, they won't break the amniotic sac right away, which they did with Caetlin, which also makes it more painful. Anyway, the reason I am not confident of spontaneous labor is because at today's cervix check, there is nothing happening. No change. Zip. Zilch. Nada. For all that I feel like I could go into labor at any minute, nothing is happening to actually make that a reality.

And finally, Tokyo. Here's the rundown on Tokyo, about which I haven't written much. Late last year, in the October-November time frame, Bruce was approached about a secondment with a Tokyo client. A secondment is a job at the company for a specific time frame or assignment, arranged in concert with the law firm. The firm gets a strengthened client relationship (assuming the lawyer does a good job) and the lawyer gets another professional avenue to explore. It's like trying on an in-house counsel job without having to actually switch jobs. And in this case, the job would be in Tokyo.

Bruce went through several rounds of interviews with partners in the firm, making sure he was a good fit for the firm to recommend to any potential client who might want a secondee. We were led to believe that there were several clients who had a need for someone. There were also discussions about me, and finding a secondment for me as well, for the whole family relocating to Tokyo. We researched typical ex-patriate packages, and it looked good, like a potential raise. It looked like a way out, a way to revitalize Bruce's career that is fading as a result of the market mess we find ourselves in.

I didn't write about it at the time, because I wanted to wait until it was a done deal, until we were leasing an apartment in Roppongi and looking for day care for Caetlin. But it looked good. It looked really, really promising.

And then the market continued to slide, and the emails grew more non-committal, talking about whether- not when- any client actually had a need to be filled, suggesting that the opportunities were drying up. There was also a problem with what to do after, as the Tokyo office wasn't making any promises to take either of us on, which may have required us to come back to the Atlanta office and fit back in somehow (when he has never managed to fit in here to begin with?). And as time went on, it looked like it was a dead issue. It had been exciting to contemplate, and scary, but ultimately it went nowhere.

Then, Bruce was told, unofficially but not rumor, that he was being laid off. And then it didn't happen, and we've been left to wonder why. There is a new department that has been formed, a department that Bruce could possibly join, has asked to join, but he hasn't been formally reassigned, even now, nearly two months after discussing it with the head of the office. I know things work slowly in the firm, but it has been a source of anxiety trying to figure out what Bruce's place is in all this. Is he on the brink of being laid off, and that is why he hasn't been reassigned?

And so, a couple of weeks ago, the answer appeared to have presented itself. He has been offered a secondment, for a year, in Tokyo. At a significantly reduced salary than we originally expected, courtesy of the freefalling market and a huge number of laid off American lawyers flooding Asia looking for work. There is no discussion of me, except to say that there is no room for me in the Tokyo office. There is no guarantee of any office for Bruce to return to, after his position. The bottom line, though it hasn't been spelled out in so many words, is that his choice is Tokyo or be laid off. We both think this is why he hasn't been reassigned. And they are going to be offering the client a real deal, an experienced attorney who is so much cheaper than anyone in Japan would ever expect. The firm has little or no incentive to try to work with the client to increase the comp offered (which includes $0 for cost of living, because apparently it's comparable to live in Tokyo versus Atlanta), since Bruce is more or less disposable to the firm at this point. If he says no, no harm done. He'll just be fired. This is our reasoning, anyway, though it has not been confirmed to us.

We don't feel as though we have any choice but to take it. I will have to stay here, because I can't give up my salary, since his salary will not be enough to support the family in Tokyo and I have no job in Japan. And given the current market, it just feels irresponsible for Bruce to give up on his law career when we still have a house in Charlotte that we can't sell, and no way of knowing what the financial outlook is. It is us basically operating on a premise that things are still going to get worse for us, and we can't afford to give any ground in the event that things really do get worse. If that Unknown Something Terrible happens, we will be in better shape if Bruce continues working, even at a reduced salary (reduced because it will have to be maintaining him in Tokyo on the same amount of money. He's also getting paid in dollars, which is even worse since the dollar is so weak against the yen right now), than if he were not working at all.

So...I'm likely going to be a single mom for a year. It seems like it should be workable- after all, tons of parents do it every day. My mother-in-law has offered to move up to help, which will be a huge thing, and I love her so incredibly much for it. I think, given the financial squeeze, that we may let the nanny go, though the flexibility that we have with her is a huge benefit.

I...can't write about this any more now. You may guess from the tone here that I am kind of down; it's been a bit of a tough day. The process is going to take a few months, so I'll have time to fill in the details later.