Learning to Let Go

WARNING: this post is kind of long, and a bit of a downer, and written more for myself than anyone else. It was also written and posted with only minor editing, so it may not make a lot of sense. Feel free to skip it if you don't want to read about what feels to me sometimes like a middle-school drama.

So, I shouldn't be writing this. I should be doing some of the mountains of work I have, and in fact have in front of me. But I can't stop thinking about this, so I thought I might throw a little of it up onto the screen and maybe I'll stop being so bothered by it.

A note of warning- this is not the happy, family news that one might expect from this blog. There's nothing wrong with Caetlin (she's apparently ridiculously healthy and developmentally right on schedule, per her doctor) or Bruce, so don't worry about them. There's nothing seriously wrong with me either- it's just something that bothers me that I'm having trouble letting go of.

I had this friend back in Charlotte. She and I worked together and got really close over the first maybe 6 months I worked at my old firm. We hung out all the time; she and her husband and Bruce and I went out often as a foursome. She was my mentor at work, and I was, for a time, her go-to girl for deals. I loved hanging out with her, though in retrospect, she always made me feel a little insecure. She was known for being hard on people at work, and I wasn't spared (though I wasn't targeted as hard as some people). Anyway, I looked up to her. Respected her. I considered her my best friend in Charlotte.

That all changed when I got pregnant. She dropped me like a hot potato. She didn't hang out with me at all- suddenly it wasn't fun to go out with me if I wasn't going to drink. I don't mean to imply that we were all about the drinking, alcoholic-style. Just that, I guess, we couldn't bond because I couldn't drink, because I was pregnant, whatever. There are/were a ton of issues here, mostly her issues with pregnancy and work and life choices, I think, though I never discussed it with her. She dropped me in favor of the other young female associate in the department, not only socially, but work-wise as well. I think I counted it at some point, and prior to my pregnancy, I did something like three times the deals with her as I did after I became pregnant. This other woman became her right-hand-girl, her constant companion.

I don't know why I should be surprised. When I joined the firm, her former best friend was pregnant. I heard all about how they had previously been joined at the hip. I slid right into the opening presented by their dissolving friendship. It was only clear in hindsight that she had done the same thing to me, replaced me as soon as I got knocked up.

My failing relationship with her was one main reason I was so unhappy at my firm in Charlotte when we chose to move here. I tried to be casual about it, but it cut deeply that she wasn't interested in maintaining a friendship with me because I was going to become a parent. I don't mean to say that she ignored me or anything; we even went out as a foursome still sometimes after Caetlin was born. And her husband has remained nothing but generous and nice. It just wasn't the same, and everyone on the outside could see it.

Not long after we moved, I found out she is now pregnant. I have tried to get in touch with her a couple of times, but my emails are not answered, and yesterday I heard through a mutual friend that her baby shower is coming up, and of course I'm not invited. There's no reason to think I would be; since moving, I have not heard from her at all and our friendship appears dead(though she passed at least one of my emails on to her husband, who remains friendly).

I miss her. Even after all this time, I miss her. I am sorry that I can't share her pregnancy with her, because I'm terribly happy for her. I know she has not been a good friend to me, and I wish I could just let it go. I wish I could just accept that she is not a part of my life, nor really should she be, and move on. She has not treated me well. I know that. But her friendship meant so much to me. I think of her often. My experience with pregnancy was that I drew much closer to women who are moms, sharing this thing with them that is so transcendent. I guess I wish I could be there for her during this time of hers. I suppose that probably means that I feel like maybe we could become friends again over this shared experience- this is something that the other woman in the department can't relate to. Maybe if I were still at my old firm, that's even what would happen.

But I'm not, and it's not, and I need to let it go. She is not a force for good in my life.

I don't think I have linked to it, but there is this FABULOUS website called Tomato Nation. The woman who writes the site is a fantastic writer, terribly entertaining, and she writes an on-again, off-again advice column on the site (off again right now, I think). Her advice is generally really, really good, usually advising people to do something they already know they need to do. I've been spending way too much time reading through the archives, and one theme that is revisited over and over (and over!) again is this: you have to accept it when people don't want to associate with you. You have to learn to live without them by, well, living without them. It sucks and it hurts and you get through one day at a time without the person and after awhile it doesn't hurt as much.

It's not as acute for me as a romantic breakup, but it's a breakup nonetheless. Living without my friend is not that hard- I do it every day. Certainly it's not like there's any contact with her. I just wish I could skip the parts that hurt. I wish I could erase the hope in me that at some random point I'll see an email pop up from her. I wish I could let her go, realize that we're not going to be friends any more. Maybe it hurts also that it is now apparent that our friendship was pretty superficial to begin with. She meant a lot to me; me, not so much to her, I don't think.

I'd like to hope that posting this is my first step toward letting it all go.