A Follow Up Post

After reading and re-reading my last post, and reading mkpt's comment to it, I thought I needed to post a little more on the issue of our nanny's grandson. Both because I'm not sure I was clear enough and because the act of writing about and reading about him has made me think about him and the way I feel about him even more over these last few days.

First, I want to clarify that I feel really guilty for not liking him. My whole point in including the bit about how his family doesn't appear to talk to him much was not to illustrate that I think the behaviors that annoy me are caused by that. It was to illustrate that I feel bad for him. I think he craves adult attention. And to grown ups, he is a very sweet little boy. (Less so to Caetlin, as I mentioned, with the toy swiping, etc.)

Maybe the behaviors that both perplex and annoy me do so because I don't understand them. I mean, at all. This morning I was sitting in the den watching him and Caetlin play, and he was sitting on top of this little music table that we have. Both kids have kind of outgrown it, but they both still play with it, so we haven't put it away yet. Anyway, it's not really meant to be sat on, and it's a measure of how big they both are that they can both basically sit down on it without much trouble. So he was sitting on it, and our nanny told him to get off of it. She had to bodily lift him off, and when she did, he went straight to throwing the thing over. In anger at not being able to sit on it, I guess? She told him no, at the same time I asked him not to turn it over as well, and she had a standoff with him, where he was clearly waiting until her back was turned to promptly turn the table over, and she wasn't going to take her eyes off him until he was doing something else. It eventually ended with him trying anyway, and she physically blocking him from doing so and moving the table across the room.

I have to admit, this entire exchange baffles me. It is so outside my experience in dealing with Caetlin. Immediately after this little incident, Caetlin went over to the table and started to sit on it, in imitation. I said, "Caetlin, no ma'am. We don't sit on the table," in my Mom Voice, and she got up and went back to what she had been doing. She clearly wasn't that invested in sitting on the table, but even if she had been, me telling her no likely wouldn't have meant that she tried to inflict violence on the toy.

Maybe most of the difference is due, as mkpt suggests, to the difference between girl and boy toddlers. Maybe that is part of it, and some of it is upbringing and some of it is developmental. I don't know (hence my last post). All I do know is that I don't understand him. And I'm not around enough boy toddlers to recognize whether he is a developmentally normal 3 year old boy or a horrible brat or something in between. I also know that not every boy toddler is like that (I can't speak for mkpt's Luke, since they moved to the Frozen Tundra of Minneapolis, but I remember her Noah as a three-year-old and he was a delightful boy), but that doesn't necessarily make our nanny's grandson a problem child.

The one thing I can say for sure is that I don't much care for him. And that makes me sad and ashamed of myself. I wish I could like him. I wish he didn't make me want to stay huddled in my room every morning when I hear him come in, yelling, playing with every toy in our house that makes noise, jumping around. I wish he didn't feel like such an intrusion. But he does.

And I've been thinking about why that is. I think it has to do with a couple things. First, he's in our house a lot. I don't think I can name a child other than my own that I really want to see as much as I see this kid. I think we're all tired of each other, frankly. And he's always in our house, so he's always breaking our stuff, and tearing our books, and making a mess on our floors. It starts to feel a bit invasive, which has only to do with the circumstances, and not him at all.

I think the invasive feeling also may have something to do with my hormones. I'm nesting, and I do wonder if those feelings aren't partially responsible for wanting to circle the wagons around the family unit, and keep out those who my monkey brain doesn't recognize as pack. That's also not his fault, but oh my God, most mornings I am just screaming "GET OUT!" in my head to both our nanny and her grandson. I feel like I can't move around freely in my own house, like I'm intruding if I end up in the kitchen in the morning, like I'm an interloper if I want to eat breakfast at the dining room table at the same time as the kids are having breakfast. I feel like I'm in the way and cluttering things up. And I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I have no control over what goes on in my own home.

That actually leads me to another reason I believe I've developed this intense dislike for this child. I have absolutely no say in what he does or does not do in my house. It's not like I can enforce the house rules or otherwise discipline the boy without stepping on my nanny's toes. And that even extends to when he's mean or physical with Caetlin, since I always feel like if the nanny is there, that I'm not allowed to discipline or otherwise really care for my daughter, lest I undermine her authority. But as it relates to Caetlin and her grandson, I think the line is especially blurry about what role, if any, I have, since he's, you know, related to her and all, the fact that they are in my house notwithstanding. I hate this feeling of helplessness. I'm sure it's mostly my own fault; I need to grow some balls and interact with my kid the way I want to, and with her kid too, and if she doesn't like it, she can find different day care for him.

But I just feel powerless to affect anything when it comes to him, even when it negatively affects my daughter. Now let's be clear- if he were hitting her, or doing anything to hurt her at all, I would take steps. These are minor things we're talking about. And generally when the nanny sees her grandson act up, she reprimands him the same way I would have anyway. It's mostly the powerlessness, I think, not necessarily the ultimate outcome, that makes it so hard for me to deal with the kid. It sort of feeds into that feeling of being intruded upon.

Anyway, I don't have any answers. I try to be patient with him. I still hug and kiss him every day. I talk to him when he's around. I do my best not to hear it when he's screaming for the umpteenth time that day. Or to see it when he breaks something that belongs to Caetlin. I also continue to feel guilty for not liking him and wish I did.

As so much of my dilemma about whether to continue to employ our nanny is wrapped up in this boy, I find he remains in my thoughts a lot. We have decided to ask our nanny to find alternate care arrangements for him after the first of the year. Mostly it has to do with Segunda, since the room he naps in will be her room, and frankly, I don't really want him around so much when she's born. Logistically, it will be unmanageable for him to be here with her, beyond potential safety and germ issues. Yes, I know Caetlin will bring in many germs and trying to keep Segunda healthy is a losing battle, but I see no reason why I should stack the deck against her right at the beginning.

So maybe he won't prey on my mind so much soon. In the meantime, I'm trying to keep my emotions in check around him, and grin and bear it and continue being nice to him. Wish me luck.