I'm Scared

I spoke with both the GI doctor and the surgeon this evening. They both remain puzzled by what's wrong with me. Basically, the CT scan showed a large area of inflammation in my bowel, but it wasn't clear exactly where or what was causing it. I'm clearly not obstructed, as things are moving along well. It's definitely hinky, though, and the surgeon has concluded that the best option is to open me up to take a look, cut the offending area out, send it to a pathologist and "hope it's benign." Those were his words. If I'm being rational, I don't think he meant to imply that I have cancer, or that he thinks I have cancer- the bottom line is that he doesn't know what's wrong with me, and can't really know until he can actually look at it and feel it. The GI doc thought there was some foreign object that wasn't showing up on the scans- a chicken bone or something- but the surgeon and I both discounted that possibility. I don't chew toothpicks or really even eat chicken or fish with bones, and no way have I swallowed a piece of plastic utensil without knowing it.

Anyway, the surgeon also consulted with another surgeon, who was also flummoxed. This guy is apparently highly regarded, trained at MD Anderson and is a cancer specialist. My surgeon hustled to say, "Not that it's cancer, but he's just a really good surgeon." Somehow that alleviated my fears not at all, though again, if I'm being rational, there are a ton more things that it could be, that it probably is, than cancer, given my age and relatively good health. Anyway, both surgeons happen to be on this weekend, and my surgeon has roped him in because of his experience and skill, and because I am such a mystery.

(I always wanted to be mysterious to someone. This wasn't quite what I had in mind.)

Bottom line is: if I am worse tomorrow, particularly if my white count goes up (which has stayed steady over the past day), they will operate tomorrow. If I hold steady tomorrow, they will operate on Sunday morning. The surgeon will need to convince the GI that there is nothing more to gain by taking more pictures, but he really thinks this is the best course, and I trust him.

I'm scared. We're not talking about minor laprascopic surgery like a gallbladder removal. This will be major, open abdominal surgery. And that scares me. The whole thing- the anesthesia, the opening of my stomach, the unknown wonkiness in my bowel. I'm scared that it is cancer and I'm going to die in 2 months. I'm scared that I'll die on the table. There's no reason to be scared of that- I'm in a great hospital in great hands. But I'm scared just the same, and it's times like now, when I'm all alone because Bruce is with the kids, when it's as quiet as it ever gets in the hospital, that I can't stop imagining wildly out-there worst case scenarios.

I'm going to try to get some sleep.