Bath Time!

It remains one of her favorite things.

You talkin' to me?

No, seriously: I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Okay, fine, I'll be funny.

Busy, over here. Don't mind me.

Mommy, Daddy: I'm growing up now. A girl needs her privacy.

Okay, yes, I still love you. God.

And finally, though not bath time...



Isn't this just so sweet it makes your teeth hurt?

Wax Nostalgic

So, I've been up for awhile, trying frantically (or as frantically as possible at 4:30 a.m.) to get the work done this morning that I should have done last night, as well as the work I had slated for the morning. For some reason, in the midst of my (extremely boring) project, I keep having very vivid memories, of times and places I haven't thought of in awhile. Like that Law School-Business School-LBJ School (public policy) mixer where I met "B-School Bill" whom I dated briefly in law school (he was a tool and then some). Like the sun-soaked California coast through the window of the train I took with my dad and stepmom. Like random days at my old firm in Charlotte, both bad and good. I remember having lunch with my friends there, walking to Salsarita's or over to Showmars or to have Crappy Indian. I also remember that one day right before Christmas, when I was in horrible trouble for having gone to have lunch and the client couldn't find me when I was urgently needed (he failed to leave a message, so I did not get the email notification I expected. Also, my secretary had gone to lunch as well. A bad situation all around).

I remember the apartment in Los Angeles, walking over to have House of Pies (best tuna avocado bacon sandwich EVAH) or ordering in from Farfalle. I think of sunny fall afternoons on the porch swing, holding my sleeping infant Caetlin and watching the neighborhood go by. Drinking with girlfriends in Charlotte who subsequently weren't such good friends, the last really big binge when I was early pregnant and didn't know it. Dancing in the nightclubs in the Bahamas right after I graduated from high school, and finding some boy to watch the sun come up over the water with (he was such a random dude).

Why are all these things randomly popping into my head now? Is it because I prefer not to focus on my work? Probably. Is it because I am finding refuge in (mostly) happier times? Maybe that too. Even the bad parts look better now, from the vantage point of time and being in a less-than-ideal situation here. I think sometimes I miss my life before Caetlin, too, especially after times like last night and this weekend, which have been Tantrum City. It's terribly disheartening to come home from an unexpectedly stressful day at work, looking forward to a little bath time, a little story time, and find this raging monster who doesn't even know why she's crying, but she keeps making it worse because she keeps headbutting me and hurting herself (and me). And then I cry, because I can't make her better and because I had so been looking forward to spending a little time with her.

Or it could be hormones and weather (as I'm writing, I just heard a HUGE thunderclap, and then stereotypically it began to absolutely pour immediately after) and lack of sleep. I suppose if I can't sleep and dream, daydreaming memories might be the next best thing.

Yay, Me!

I just have to put it out there because I am so proud of myself- I have been on the treadmill three times this week! And, more importantly for me, in both the morning and the evening, suggesting that I really can manage it no matter what my schedule!

It's not been much, just 20 minutes each time, followed by a few (a VERY few) body weight strength training exercises. But I've been working up more speed each time, and next week I will add time as well. My goal is to end up running, and though I hate to run, I am optimisitic that I can actually do this.

Why the change of heart, away from laziness? Well, first, I've mentioned that we want to have another baby this year, and if I'm not planning on cracking the big 2-0-0 in pregnancy, I better get some of this weight off me now. Plus the minor things like doing everything I can to avoid high blood pressure and getting fit for an easy delivery. The major factor, though, and I'm a little ashamed to admit this, is TiVo. I have TiVo desktop on my computer, which allows me to download shows to my computer off my TiVo. It turns out that when I can watch TV- not just whatever is on, like you're stuck with in the gym, but something I actually want to watch, I can be distracted enough from how boring I find exercise to keep with it.

While it's a little embarassing that I need TV to help me exercise, I'll take it. I feel like this is something I can stick with, for the first time in a long time. The only thing I think I would really like better is having an exercise buddy, but that's not feasible here right now, so I'm going with what works for me. Also, it's probably the most efficient way for me to exercise- I can almost literally roll out of bed and onto the treadmill. No worries about weather. No need to worry about my hair or whether I took all my makeup off enough for no raccoon eyes. When I'm done, it's up the stairs and into the shower. No need to bring my stuff anywhere. I have to say again: I feel like this is something I can stick with, for the first time in a long time.

I am so happy about this! Watch the pounds start falling off! Yay, me!

Back to What Really Matters

And what you all come here for anyway:

Caetlin!

We had our 18-month checkup yesterday. 18 months! I continue to be amazed that we have managed to keep her alive for so long. And by all appearances are going to be successful at continuing that trend. How did we get so competent??

The stats: 33 inches long, which is tall for her age. She's almost three whole feet! 25 pounds, 2 ounces, which indicates that she is starting to become thinner- it's not quite as far up the growth chart (though still at the 75th percentile). She's a tall, slim child, basically. And I don't remember her head circumference number, but it was also at the 75th percentile (for the brains!). I think they stop measuring that one after this.

She was so good in the doctor's office, though of course she waited until the doctor left the room to demonstrate her mad verbal skillz. The doctor was all, "You just made my Monday morning!" when Caetlin was quiet and still during the physical exam. Apparently 18 month olds, not so much with the still and the quiet. She basically didn't say anything while the doctor was in the room, and the minute the door closed, she's all, "Bye! Ball! Elmo!" after the doctor, the toy we had with us, and a book that was in the room, respectively.

Only one shot, and she didn't even cry, even though it was a long shot, not one of those quick in and out jobs. She's such a good girl!

Apparently developing normally, which I would have guessed. Our one issue is the paci. Our pediatrician likes to recommend that kids give up their pacifiers at 18 months, and while Caetlin doesn't need it all day, it is essential for falling asleep and if she's stressed. We've been slacking about letting her have it during the day lately, so we'll try to curb that. I'm not terribly concerned about it if she goes to sleep with it until she's 2. I want to be able to explain to her that she's giving it up, and I just don't think she's there for understanding that yet.

So, that's that! She's doing great, a really happy and cheerful baby. We've had a great weekend with her. I've got some adorable pictures of Bruce and Caetlin chilling out at the end of a long day, but they are in my camera right now, which is in the room where my husband currently lies sleeping, so those will have to wait.

But rest assured, the baby is well. Photographic evidence to follow later.

Deep Breath

I haven't written muh about it here, but recently I suffered a professional setback that was pretty shocking to me. I'm starting to gain a little perspective, that of course there are way more important things, like my family and home. There are also the smaller things that seem more gratifying than work: I made a chorizo/potato/collard greens/tomato/chickpea soup tonight that was fantastic, and I'm not much of a cook, so this was quite the domestic victory.

Once again I have given some thought to trying to stay at home with Caetlin, but I am not sure I am ready, of that I ever will be. In part, of course, this is a financial consideration. For me to stay at home, we would have to sell our house in Charlotte, and I'm not ready to concede that we're not going back yet. Also, we are trying to make hay while the sun shines, in the fact that while we're not paid nearly as well as if we had never moved away from Charlotte, we're still doing pretty well and able to live below our means and sock it away for retirement and Caetlin's college. That is worth a little delayed gratification.

But it's not just financial. It's a joint decision. Bruce hates his job, and I can't abandon him to being the sole breadwinner until we can figure out some way for him to be happy. And while I might be completely ready to give domesticity a try, I can't in good conscience make the selfish decision to stay at home when I know it traps him in a position he hates.

Anyway, I think it's best for me to continue working for awhile longer yet. We will have to remain flexible in our thinking about and planning for the future. But still, I'm glad to report that at this time continuing to work isn't quite as horrible as I've made it out to be.

Conversational Skills

A few days ago, Caetlin and I had our first real give-and-take conversation, when I walked in to get her from her crib in the morning:

Me: Good morning!

Her: How are you? (Phonetically, "Owyu!")

Me (recovering from shock of her having asked me how I am): I'm GOOD! How are you?

Her (pause to think): Good! (Phonetically, "Gooh!)

Then a happy dance because she was glad to see me.

Manhattan Dreams

I'm on location in New York today, since yesterday morning, and, if all goes according to plan, until Thursday night. Strictly speaking, for the sake of the deal I probably could have come up Monday morning, but I had an opportunity to meet with some of the people in my department up here on Friday, and I thought I might take advantage of the opportunity to spend a weekend in the city. I will work some this weekend, too, so it won't be a complete waste.

I have to say that I am actually enjoying the time away. I miss my Bruce and Caetlin so fiercely- don't get me wrong. But I slept for 10 hours last night (interrupted only by the ridiculously bad cramping of my feet- I walked more in my heels yesterday than I have in awhile, between the airports and going to lunch with colleagues and walking to the hotel), and I've spent the 2 and a half hours that I've been up this morning doing absolutely nothing. I've been reading, mostly, and then I pulled out the computer to do some surfing. (Complete non sequitur: a time traveler from a time as recent as the '80s probably would not understand the second half of that sentence. Bizarre.) I gnawed on the stale rolls I had from last night's dinner for breakfast, unwilling to get up and move around enough to order or go buy something more breakfast-y. No one needed me. No one called me (except Bruce, just checking in) or emailed me. I didn't have to feel guilty for sleeping in, or for going to sleep when I was tired last night. When I woke up, I didn't have to get up right away.

I adore my family, more than anything in this world, and I would be utterly bereft without them. But. But.

It's been so nice to get away for a few days, especially since the pace of this trip hasn't- and looks as though it won't- equal the pace of other closing trips I've been on.

I feel like such a traitor, writing that. Thinking that. But it is true and I can't escape the feeling like I really needed a little time away.

My hotel is quite nice, and especially reasonably priced. It's definitely nice to see that one can get a reasonable rate on a nice room in the city, even if I'm not in Times Square or something. It's big, and pretty comfortable, and has a lovely view. I'm near the UN, and high enough to overlook 1st Avenue and the river. The big bridges, the clouds of white steam rising from some of the buildings into the cold air. Last night I could see the lights of the planes circling for La Guardia. It's a little freaky, being able to see so clearly from a hotel in Manhattan. Normally my hotel room overlooks some interior courtyard, or at best the building across the street. Woo.

I don't know what to think about New York. Despite that I am well traveled and have lived in places large and small, New York is a place unto itself, and a little intimidating. I try to tell myself that it's the same as any other place; that I can at least speak the language and read the signs, but it's definitely outside my experiences from any other place. L.A. is spread out, and because of that, feels more manageable to me. I don't know why. New York feels like I am uninitiated. Like maybe I don't quite speak the language, even though it's all technically English.

I try to pretend, among my colleagues here, that I am completely comfortable here. I affect a certain urbanity. I think I have that anyway in my daily life, not as an affectation; but as regards the city, it's definitely affected. New York is in a different class than Atlanta, or Los Angeles, or Chicago, or Houston. And I'm not uncomfortable, I hasten to add. I suppose I know I would quickly fit in here if we lived here, that I would find my way easily. But I think my point is that the way is not easily found without living here, which is a characteristic I think those other cities I named don't necessarily share.

I have lived in a number of places, large and small, in my life, and visited many others. No place throws me off balance quite like New York. I am tentative, and a little overwhelmed. It's an odd feeling.

I think for now I will just stay curled up in my hotel room and look at it. Hotels I understand. That hugeness out there, that mass of people and people byproducts- buildings, streets, cars, shops- I don't understand, not quite. Cities, I get. This is different. Maybe this week I will have a little chance to figure it out. Or I could just look at it, from my high hotel window.