Manhattan Dreams

I'm on location in New York today, since yesterday morning, and, if all goes according to plan, until Thursday night. Strictly speaking, for the sake of the deal I probably could have come up Monday morning, but I had an opportunity to meet with some of the people in my department up here on Friday, and I thought I might take advantage of the opportunity to spend a weekend in the city. I will work some this weekend, too, so it won't be a complete waste.

I have to say that I am actually enjoying the time away. I miss my Bruce and Caetlin so fiercely- don't get me wrong. But I slept for 10 hours last night (interrupted only by the ridiculously bad cramping of my feet- I walked more in my heels yesterday than I have in awhile, between the airports and going to lunch with colleagues and walking to the hotel), and I've spent the 2 and a half hours that I've been up this morning doing absolutely nothing. I've been reading, mostly, and then I pulled out the computer to do some surfing. (Complete non sequitur: a time traveler from a time as recent as the '80s probably would not understand the second half of that sentence. Bizarre.) I gnawed on the stale rolls I had from last night's dinner for breakfast, unwilling to get up and move around enough to order or go buy something more breakfast-y. No one needed me. No one called me (except Bruce, just checking in) or emailed me. I didn't have to feel guilty for sleeping in, or for going to sleep when I was tired last night. When I woke up, I didn't have to get up right away.

I adore my family, more than anything in this world, and I would be utterly bereft without them. But. But.

It's been so nice to get away for a few days, especially since the pace of this trip hasn't- and looks as though it won't- equal the pace of other closing trips I've been on.

I feel like such a traitor, writing that. Thinking that. But it is true and I can't escape the feeling like I really needed a little time away.

My hotel is quite nice, and especially reasonably priced. It's definitely nice to see that one can get a reasonable rate on a nice room in the city, even if I'm not in Times Square or something. It's big, and pretty comfortable, and has a lovely view. I'm near the UN, and high enough to overlook 1st Avenue and the river. The big bridges, the clouds of white steam rising from some of the buildings into the cold air. Last night I could see the lights of the planes circling for La Guardia. It's a little freaky, being able to see so clearly from a hotel in Manhattan. Normally my hotel room overlooks some interior courtyard, or at best the building across the street. Woo.

I don't know what to think about New York. Despite that I am well traveled and have lived in places large and small, New York is a place unto itself, and a little intimidating. I try to tell myself that it's the same as any other place; that I can at least speak the language and read the signs, but it's definitely outside my experiences from any other place. L.A. is spread out, and because of that, feels more manageable to me. I don't know why. New York feels like I am uninitiated. Like maybe I don't quite speak the language, even though it's all technically English.

I try to pretend, among my colleagues here, that I am completely comfortable here. I affect a certain urbanity. I think I have that anyway in my daily life, not as an affectation; but as regards the city, it's definitely affected. New York is in a different class than Atlanta, or Los Angeles, or Chicago, or Houston. And I'm not uncomfortable, I hasten to add. I suppose I know I would quickly fit in here if we lived here, that I would find my way easily. But I think my point is that the way is not easily found without living here, which is a characteristic I think those other cities I named don't necessarily share.

I have lived in a number of places, large and small, in my life, and visited many others. No place throws me off balance quite like New York. I am tentative, and a little overwhelmed. It's an odd feeling.

I think for now I will just stay curled up in my hotel room and look at it. Hotels I understand. That hugeness out there, that mass of people and people byproducts- buildings, streets, cars, shops- I don't understand, not quite. Cities, I get. This is different. Maybe this week I will have a little chance to figure it out. Or I could just look at it, from my high hotel window.