Memories

I remember what this is like. The quiet of the office after everyone has gone home, the strange feeling of freedom that comes with knowing you could turn cartwheels and no one would know (except possibly the security guards, who come on my floor at about 11 and 2). If you're like me, you never turn cartwheels. I remember the utter loathing I acquire for the office, which is as cosy as I can make it, as a result of just being there too much. The empty streets driving home at all hours, not a soul around. I usually drive with the window down those nights, no matter the weather, because I'm in such need of fresh air, of bright colors that aren't filtered through glass, of some reminder of the world away from the fluorescent lights that never change, never wax and wane, never turn different colors depending on clouds or wind or season.

I remember the agony every night- can I stop yet? Feeling guilty and panicked about what remains undone, I can't stay awake any longer. Wake up, feeling like shit, 4 or fewer hours later thinking, "I should have gotten up earlier." I remember the shakiness, the upset tummy, the appetite suppression, the headache, that are caffeine side effects.

I remember all this from my previous employer, and it was why I left the firm, in part. Because at the time I was working that hard, I didn't have Caetlin, and it still sucked badly. Now it just makes me want to cry on a daily basis, because I don't see her for more than about 20 minutes a day. I haven't given her a bath in almost a week; only because I was irresponsible and came home for an hour and a half last night did I get to read to her for the first time this week. It's almost unbearable to not see her. I don't know how parents who don't or can't see their children manage it. It breaks my heart on a daily basis.

I have to go to NY tonight through Monday. I am hopeful that things will be a little slower so I can rest, and more importantly, have some Mommy-Daughter time when I get back.

It's hard to reconcile my desires though, because this deal is a big professional opportunity for me. I remember the crappy work schedule from my previous work, but I also remember the enormous satisfaction I get from my work, especially these kinds of deals. If I'm not careful, I will gain a reputation as the go-to person for short-notice no sleep kinds of deals and then I'm in the same boat. But part of me wants that reputation, wants people to see how hard core I am about work. I am totally conflicted.

Not about how much this sucks, mind. Not about that. Those memories have come back to me with a vengeance.

I miss my baby girl. and my husband

Wish me luck on our closing.